


Eight Limbs

by Halfofwhatyouare



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Yoga, Character Study, F/F, Slow Burn, Useless Lesbians, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-08-13 04:35:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 51,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20168236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfofwhatyouare/pseuds/Halfofwhatyouare
Summary: When Katya, a counsellor with a long history of her own mental health struggles, decides to go on a yoga retreat in the heart of the Joshua Tree desert, she knows she's in for a big spiritual and emotional overhaul. What she doesn't expect is to meet Trixie Mattel, a chaotic, country Barbie fantasy with a wicked sense of humour and seemingly unlimited patience. As the two get to know each other, Katya discloses her past and, with the help of her fellow yogis, starts to let go of all the things that have troubled her for so long.





	1. Yama

**Author's Note:**

> Well, what can I say? I'm a useless lesbian yogi who likes writing about useless lesbian yogis. This first chapter is a short one so I've been kind (hopefully...please let me know if you enjoy this story so far!) and posted two chapters to start you all off. Each chapter gets longer as the story progresses because I have no self control and I've fallen in love with writing again throughout doing this fic, which is all a gal can ask for, really. I'm British so if there are any errors with regards to Americanisms then I'm happy to correct. Namaste.

She had been getting bad again. She knew it this time, which she supposed was an improvement. Her days all blended into one, reality sometimes so out of reach that it had almost become completely elusive, taunting her, dangling its precious fruit before her starving eyes and daring her to chase it. She couldn’t. She was stuck. 

Before, she would have taken whatever she could to clamber back to vitality, crawled on hands and knees in unknown apartments and inhaled as if breathing for the first time. Now, she felt like her lungs were caving in on her, like everything was caving in.

She saw the advert at the community centre, where she worked as a counsellor. She often perused the bulletin board, took in the details of everything going on, liked differentiating between the more professional looking flyers and the handwritten notices. So it didn’t stand out to her at all, at first. But eventually, her beating heart felt its first flutter of excitement in months as she read ‘Yoga Retreat - Joshua Tree. Two weeks for $1000 inc. all accommodation, food and classes. Meditation also available at no extra cost! Email visageretreats@rusfarm.com for more info’. She took it as a sign and knew instantly that this was an opportunity she couldn’t pass up. 

One thousand dollars was a lot of money, an amount she would certainly have to scrounge for in every bank account and purse she owned, but she needed an escape - or a chance to come back to herself. And this was it. She took her old iPhone 7 out of her jacket pocket and fired off an enquiry. 

Returning to her office, the air felt a little lighter.

-

The flight from Boston to LA took just under six and a half hours. In that time, Katya managed to: aggravate the passenger beside her with her incessant fidgeting so much that they moved seats, eat an entire family size bag of skittles, design a series of outfits on a sweaty handful of napkins for her made-up-on-the-spot private detective alias, and organise all the spare change upon her (deeply nervous) person. She glanced at the time on her phone at too-regular intervals so the digits began to melt into each other, seeming to her like a lame, millennial Dali knock off. Though she was partially relieved to have a natural buzz within herself again, existing in her own skin at this point was excruciating.

She had begun practicing yoga over ten years ago in an attempt to bring about some balance in her life. She swung like a tumultuous pendulum from erratic, energised highs to vacant, hollow lows, so viciously that the inbetweens were nothing but whiplash. It was exhausting. Whichever mood her thoroughly fucked mind thrust upon her left her bereft. But what was really the cherry on top of the absolute shit cake, was the plain fact that, no matter how fiery her thought processes, no matter the complexities which twisted and turned inside her, no matter how vehemently her pattern of thinking was described to her and by her as terminally unique, her ultimate turmoil came from the insistent and stubborn refusal to admit that she was just like everybody else. 

She had written an email to her friend, back in the good old days before Apple controlled everyone’s monkey brains and correspondence habits, trying to explain herself. Because her mere existence presented as a moral conundrum, she had spent three days unable to sleep, fixated on pinpointing precisely what it was about her character that made it so difficult to reconcile with playing the game of life. The exact content of the email escaped her over the years but whenever her despondent memory grazed over that time, she would get a vaguely eerie chill from the knowledge that she was still struggling to rectify such a problem. 

How she conducted herself, both internally and not, when sober or beyond all recognition, was a preoccupation akin to obsession. Katya found it delicious to explore how some of her most vehement, immoral acts occurred without having taken a single trace of an illegal substance, and how her kindness and vibrant, all encompassing love burst out of the blurred confines of her intoxicated, liminal body when doped up. 

Maybe she was just a narcissist in poor disguise. Maybe she was enthralled in a messed up kind of mindfulness yet to be discovered by fellow, less enlightened yogis…Maybe she was one more skittle away from onset diabetes. 

As a precursor to the retreat, Katya had been instructed to set out her intentions for her time at Ru’s Farm. She had assumed Michelle, who was running the program, meant to write them down, or at least have her reasons at the ready. Despite being experienced with the practice and enjoying a range of hatha, ashtanga and vinyasa classes several times per week, Katya had never looked into retreats before now and hadn’t even spoken to anyone who had been on one. She’d fleetingly figured they were more of an LA thing, for people who had time and money and a relatively healthy self image - which wasn’t a very virtuous assumption to make, she would be the first to admit. Yet, there she was, fretting herself silly at thirty five thousand feet above ground because she would be starting one the following day and - holy fuck - she was underprepared. 

It was hot, scorchingly hot, when she trudged off the plane. The afternoon sun blazed overhead and her blood red sunglasses did little to prevent her from squinting her way towards the terminal building. The action of going through TSA settled her, for some unknown reason, and by the time she was calling an Uber to her downtown hotel for the night, she had stopped shaking and started to ease into the practical motions of travelling. 

She didn’t get out of Boston much anymore, her recently chosen career path lucrative in all ways but monetarily, and she found that, though being geographically stationary was both a blessing and a curse, the home turf routine she had constructed only involved an existentialist level of anxiety and not an am-I-going-the-right-way-have-I-got-everything-I-need-will-I-be-able-to-contact-my-support-network one. 

It was refreshing, seeing palm trees and beautiful people rollerblading past her open car window and countless coffee shops and vintage stores and idealised tourist hotspots. Her eyes scanned as much as they could as she wondered how best to spend her evening so she wouldn’t end up wasting it, nauseous and sweating on the bathroom floor. She considered asking her driver for advice on the most interesting art exhibitions or performances. She decided against it when she caught him leering at her in the rear view mirror and resolved to give him a one star rating as soon as she was checked in and safe out of his vicinity. 

Another uncertainty she had surrounding the retreat was whether it would be all-female. She wasn’t a violent person; when things were horrific she tried her hardest to only harm herself, not others (though, of course, all actions led to reactions, and she couldn’t escape it - every ripple of a relapse or an episode reached every corner of her social parametres). There were times when needs must. Other times when second hand trauma or persistent paranoia meant she couldn’t bear to be around men, to the extent that she had once refused to interact with the opposite sex for two months. A decision made under psychosis but one she stood by down the line. It was sensible for her in that moment. Her friend Craig had been hurt by her rash, harsh decision, which had softened her slightly. Her father, ever the typical strong silent type, gave her a taste of her own medicine and didn’t speak to her either, but that whole act was more out of pain than resentment. No, she wasn’t a violent person, however her compassion only went so far. 

Men were sometimes the enemy and sometimes the bystanders and either way they never proved themselves worthy. So it scared her to be embarking on something she knew would be earth shatteringly personal, would reach into her deepest core and stretch her physically and mentally and emotionally. But it terrified her to think this could all go on in the presence of those she would never feel wholly comfortable around. 

When she reached the hotel, there was a small queue at the front desk. She took the time to let her mother know she had arrived safely (‘Landed, disappointingly didn’t burst into flames mid flight and cause another 9/11. Bush still has one over on me!’) and checked to see if there were any last minute emails from Michelle with regards to pick up times or other arrangements. 

Katya would be getting the coach with the rest of the group at 9am the next morning outside a yoga studio in the city and they would all reach Joshua Tree by midday, ready for a welcoming ceremony, gong bath and meditation session. Despite all her concerns, she couldn’t deny her curiosity and staunchly refused from then on to undermine the flurry building within her the closer it got to the start of the retreat. There was a reason she was there and she would not let her disfunction get the better of her. She would not covet cowardness’ false idol. She would not let chance slip away. 

-

She slept surprisingly well. After brushing her teeth and touching up her makeup, she had gone out for an early dinner and ventured to an independent gallery to see a Dadaism-inspired exhibition. She had got back just after ten and was flat out by 11. Her alarm woke her at 7, giving her enough time to shower, change, grab breakfast and get to the yoga studio. She was twenty minutes early, which both satisfied her and heightened her unease. LA was still rather unfamiliar to her, despite having visited several times years ago. There was a vastness to its infrastructure that she couldn’t quite adapt to, leaving her always wanting more, searching for things to uncover and make her own.

Before long, more people began to linger. There was a group of three friends, all limbs and flowing, glossy hair - intimidating in a way that Katya understood was totally unintentional on their part. Another few women turned up and quickly got chatting with each other. Nonetheless, several other women, who were evidently making this trip on their own, too, sidled up against the studio front one by one. Fiddling on their phones or with their outfit, they radiated a similar nervous energy and Katya began to loosen. 

Just as she was about to strike up a conversation with the middle aged woman next to her who had piqued her interest, there was a small bustle out of the studio front door. A petite but commanding woman with dark hair and darker sunglasses marched to the side of the street, holding a folder seemingly filled to the brim and a glitzy handbag. 

Hot on her heels was an outrageously beautiful man, draped in artful layers of flowing black fabric, brown skin glowing in a way Katya had only ever seen on the cover of Vogue. His grey hair lay tousled on his shoulders. He was talking animatedly on his phone, wrist loose and accentuating whatever he was saying as if he was painting the air. They made a strange pair, Katya mused.

“Morning everyone!” The woman addressed the crowd that had now been pulled to her full attention, “I’m Michelle. I want to welcome you to our retreat. I’m glad to see most of us are on time. We have a coach parked around the corner which will be taking us to Ru’s Farm. Hopefully its engine won’t blow like last year...Anyway, we’ll all do formal introductions once we’ve arrived. Lovely to see so many beautiful faces! Let’s get going.” She led everyone to the bus where the driver took bags and cases. With careful attention, Katya watched as woman after woman embarked. She breathed a slight sigh of relief for her earlier fears had been quashed. Michelle’s companion was an instructor, all would be well. 

She waited at the back of the queue, getting on last and taking a window seat near the front behind where Michelle had dumped her things. She gazed out to the street, the sun soothing the creases on her forehead and spreading its warmth across her face. She let her eyes close as she inhaled for four counts, exhaled for four, inhaled for four, exhaled for six. As she completed her breathing exercise, the conversations of the women around her seeped into her periphery and rooted her to her surroundings. 

When she opened her eyes again, the first thing she saw was a peroxide blonde running as fast as she could in their direction, dragging her bright pink suitcase behind her and brazenly holding her heavy, bouncing breasts. Her oversized Dolly Parton t-shirt clung to her chest and rose above her hips when she leapt off the kerb, landing coachside much more gracefully than Katya expected for someone radiating so much chaotic energy. 

Before she knew it, the woman plonked herself in the empty seat next to her, heaving a dramatic huff before turning to her and quipping, “Sorry I’m late, I lost track of time fucking my dad.”


	2. Niyama

Oh, this was going to be interesting. Who knew what divine power decided to throw her a bone, if there even was one (her traumatic Catholic upbringing left her doubtful, to say the least), but whatever the explanation - divinity, karma, pure chance - she was beholden. Slapping her bony knees, she wheezed a laugh, so powerful in its obscurity that she managed to surprise the marvel next to her, if the raise of her eyebrows was anything to go by. Katya’s smoker’s cough got the better of her and the woman, a positive caricature of Barbie herself, screamed in delight to see what effect she’d had. 

“Hi, I’m clearly not advocating for incest but we’ve all had that cousin we’ve kinda thought about now and then - Trixie! Nice to meet you.” A tanned hand extended towards her in unexpected formality, baby pink nails squared neatly. She took it, exaggerating a firm, business-like shake with false seriousness before treating her new companion to another of her trademark laughs. 

“Privet, ya Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova.” She hadn’t done it in a while, her old trick-of-sorts, reverting to her mother’s mother tongue, and it felt good to briefly stun the exuberant character before her with her perfect pronunciation and dazzling smile. “But your dad just calls me Katya.” That always secured it; hit the nail on the head, the ball out of the park. And there it was, that scream-laugh she somehow adored already. 

“Oh, you’re a freak too. Thank fuck, I was worried I’d be ostracised for not being zen or something.” Katya watched Trixie as she spoke, her plump lips lined with a slightly darker shade of pink than she had applied otherwise, her lashes extraordinarily long and her contour sharp and unforgiving. Her makeup was blatant, done for herself and herself alone, and that intrigued Katya, as did her aesthetic overall. 

There was also a special air about her that didn’t solely emanate from her out-there look. Katya loved people, for all she hated them too, and she could always find something interesting to reveal about someone. With Trixie, it was easy. She didn’t know a thing about her and yet would happily observe her for hours. The thought of a long coach journey with Trixie to keep her company, to laugh at her terrible jokes and poke fun at her, was now more appealing than she could have imagined. 

She regarded her own splutter of personality akin to a performance. That would upset her now and again because she felt as if it did those on the receiving end of her attention a disservice. But, the fact of the matter was, you were only your truest, most genuine self when you were alone. 

She’d tried to explain it to a client before using an age old analogy: if you were in a forest, not a soul around for miles on end, would you, in that moment, still make a sound, still be present without anyone to hear or see you? It wasn’t as if she had two versions of herself she rolled out depending on who or what was around her, but everything was stripped down when no one else was there. 

There were times when she enjoyed making the effort to display herself in an enchanting, enthralling way just as there were times when it was a tiresome chore. With Trixie, she didn’t have any reservations and they talked the entire journey, barely taking a pause for breath. 

When they arrived at Ru’s Farm, Katya was slowly drowning in her own sweat from the glare of the sun on her back and the exertion she had expended, trying to reach her secret goal of getting Trixie to laugh a hundred times. She’d reached 99 as they stepped onto the dusty desert plains and so she lurched forward to whisper creepily in Trixie’s ear, unsuspecting after having bent over to collect her suitcase, “I want your butt inside me.” God, she was 36…but she was insane, so she got a free pass. 

One hundred. One hundred times she had made this Barbie fantasy screech and she wanted to do it a hundred times over. Katya was entranced, the power of Trixie’s presence enough to satisfy her for now, to take away her concerns and replace them with desire. “You’re awful.” Trixie exclaimed before shaking her head and walking towards the rest of the group as they made their way to the entrance. 

Ru’s Farm was a modern, white building with innumerous floor-to-ceiling windows and giant solar panels on the roof. The sliding front doors gave way to a spacious reception and lounge area. Beige, plush sofas and easy chairs centred around a glass table, on top of which were a range of books about yoga and the chakras, ‘clean eating’ and positive thinking, and a humongous vase of freshly picked flowers. There was a fountain in another corner, softly trickling with ambient lighting. 

Standing behind a large wooden desk and typing efficiently on the computer was a glamorous blonde, her high cheekbones prominent and puffy. She began checking everyone in to their assigned rooms and took down details of special dietary requirements or any other requests for the duration of the stay. 

Katya must have wandered absentmindedly, taking in her new surroundings. She noticed Trixie greeting the woman at reception and was about to move to join the queue when the middle aged woman she had spotted earlier interrupted her. “Gosh, this place is cleaner than my house and I thought I was America’s number one domestic goddess!” She remarked, a campy smile upon her made up face. “My name’s Kasha, Mrs Kasha Davis. I adore your hair!”

She was sweet and complimentary and Katya liked how she stood, one hand on her hip, the other gesturing around her. “Why thank you, Mrs Kasha Davis. Your husband is lucky to have such a charmer as yourself. I’m Katya, and I’m sure your home is beautiful.” 

Growing up, Katya was fascinated by the typical American middle class white woman. The dream of picket fences and a freshly mowed lawn wasn’t so drastically far removed from her parents’ aspirations, but her experience of the Boston suburbs was stifling and nightmarish. She’d spent her early teens smoking pot in her school’s dingy bathroom and, though she excelled in her studies, she suffered under the fact that she didn’t fit. With her peers or her environment overall. It had fascinated her to see these women happy with their lot, half envying them, half pitying their isolation. Now, she was interested in their way of living, just as she would be with anyone who experienced life differently to her.

“Do you know who you’re sharing with yet? I’m with a fellow old broad. Match made in heaven, we’ll be asleep by ten every night!” Katya smiled at her and shook her head and told Kasha she had better go find out. With a wave and a “lovely to meet you”, they parted ways and Katya headed to the desk, where she was given her room key and orders to meet back at reception in an hour in comfortable clothing for meditation. 

The layout of the accommodation was simple and easy to navigate. Three outbuildings centred around a small pool and relaxation area, the fourth outbuilding being the yoga studio and the largest of them all. Katya’s room was situated to the left of the pool and overlooked a vast expanse of desert on the other side. It was comforting, in a way, for the land around to be so widespread - it made Katya feel small and nurtured in a similar manner to how the sky scrapers and tower blocks of Boston did. Knowing there were forces, man made or otherwise, greater than her relieved her of a burden she couldn’t name. 

Reaching room 7, Katya unlocked the door and dragged her bag through the threshold. She had packed far more than she needed and her case was heavy and cumbersome - she thus appreciated how she’d been training arms a lot more lately. 

The specification had explained how the evenings were an opportunity to dress up for dinner if you wished but reinforced that there were no strict rules above and beyond appropriate yoga attire. She had spent several hours stuffing in as many leggings and shorts as she could amongst the problem pattern dresses and the Louboutins she had splurged on when she had celebrated 6 months sober. Frivolous? Yes. Fabulous? Even more so.

There were two single beds pushed against parallel walls. Perched on top of the one closest to the en suite, piles of pastel pink and yellow and blue surrounding her, was Trixie. Trixie, looking up at her with a wide smile and an excitable bounce, let out another screech of delight and yelled, “No way!” Katya thought she would melt right there and then. Holy shit, the universe was really doing her a solid. What ever had she achieved to deserve such a treat? No act of charity would reward being in confined, intimate proximity with this wet dream of a woman for two whole wonderful weeks. Katya was a hair’s breadth away from believing in incarnation again.

She promptly dumped her suitcase on her bed, kicked off her shoes and threw caution to the wind, flinging herself onto the leaning tower of Lycra on Trixie’s bed. “Fuck yes! I talk in my sleep as much as I do when I’m awake so I hope you’re ready for the many riveting - though maybe one sided - conversations we’ll be having after dark.” 

They spent their remaining free time trying to put their things away but ended up admiring (or fiercely judging) each other’s clothes. When Trixie pranced into the bathroom to change, Katya flopped back on her bed, feeling like a love struck teen, clutching her leggings and smiling like the true maniac she was. 

They were only a few minutes late to the inaugural meeting and Michelle started her spiel soon after they snuck to the back of the crowd. She explained how each day might look, beginning with breakfast, some free time to digest then a choice of a gentler or more strength building class before lunch. The afternoon had similar options, the day ending with ‘yoga for relaxation’ or group meditation. 

Yogis were also encouraged to get up early and use the studio for self guided Ashtanga if that was part of their practice. Michelle added that there was a choice to meet one on one with herself or Raja, the yoga teacher who accompanied her, three times a week to discuss how the retreat was going, explore any questions that might arise about yoga or connecting with the body, and receive an Ayurvedic treatment suited to the individual if needed.

Dinner would be served at 7:30pm and all food was vegan and as locally sourced as possible, be it from the grounds or by Californian organic farmers. There were no rules, per se, regarding night time activities but it was advised to reflect on the day, relax, get to know the group and have a good night’s sleep. 

There was, of course, no alcohol. Katya correctly assumed the cigarettes she smuggled in, wrapped snugly amongst some of her less raunchy underwear, would be frowned upon. She promised herself to try and not sneak off for one until night time, when it would surely be easier to feign an excuse for venturing off than during the events of the day. She was too wise and weathered to force herself to go cold turkey. Smoking now and then throughout the day was the compromise she had to come to. In the great scheme of things, it was the lesser of all the very many evils. 

-

Meditation took work. It was a common misconception that it was this effortless, unconscious state that overtook you, leading you to miraculously block everything around you out. Perhaps it was the populist overhaul of what yoga actually means and why it’s practiced, or maybe it was an urban legend spread by those not determined enough to stick it out, so they collectively decided it couldn’t be enacted by the common folk. Whatever the cause, the effect led to the masses turning their nose up at the mere concept. 

Katya often suggested it as a coping strategy to her clients. Luckily for them, she was decent enough not to send them away without a breakdown of expectation, proper instruction and resources to help them eventually meditate independently. It was what frustrated her most, if she ever happened to flick through Cosmo or other similar glossies and see a feature on ‘why meditation is the best new trend for mental health!’ Such articles framed meditation as a superficial quick fix instead of a core part of a holistic approach to daily routine. Commodification tainted the ancient tradition and led to misconduct.

Sitting in lotus position on the wooden floor of the yoga studio, Katya zoned in on the even lengths of her breath. She noted where she was feeling tension in her body and followed Michelle’s instruction to sit with it, be still and accept how the body was functioning that day. When Katya first started yoga, she was so determined to master the physicality of the poses that being motionless and disciplined, the aspect she most needed, was relegated to an afterthought. 

As a child she had been a gymnast, control of rapid movement essential to her progression to national competitions. She possessed flexibility in the same way she had blue eyes and pale skin. Logically, she understood muscle memory was completely different to DNA coding, yet manoeuvring into the splits or mermaid pose felt as natural as the genes that moulded her. 

The thirty minute session sped by as Katya immersed herself in Michelle’s guidance. Katya was impressed, afterwards, by how she had made the meditation accessible to everyone in the room. Katya supposed there was a range of abilities and knew Trixie especially was a novice to the practice, apparently only here as her friend Kim had sent her as part of “an intervention”. Katya wanted to find out more about that as soon as possible - she could tell Trixie’s humorous little story only scratched the surface. 

The group was asked to get into a comfortable position for their gong bath. Katya hadn’t experienced one before and decided to lie in shavasana, open and welcoming to the sounds that began to ring around the room. She wasn’t sure of the etiquette so she tried, rather unsuccessfully, not to drift off as her body dipped into utter relaxation. Before she knew it, the session ended and she came to, dazed and sated but calmer than she had felt in weeks.

The group tidied their mats away onto the shelves at the back of the studio and Michelle informed them that they were free to explore the grounds, go to the pool or relax before dinner. Katya quickly sidled up to Trixie and asked her what she planned to do. “I suppose drowning myself or trying to make a run for it is out of the question, so I guess sunbathing?” Trixie shrugged and for the first time Katya saw a deep solemnity within her, masquerading as self deprecating humour. Such a discovery only made her more desperate to uncover Trixie’s oddities and find out why she was really here. Instead, she told Trixie she’d join her if she’d be able to endure the sight of her in a bikini. Trixie pretended to gag, smirked then wordlessly led the way back to their room. 

Katya followed her like a puppy and tried not to shake from the realisation that she would probably do anything Trixie wanted, just to please her. Shit, she really needed to focus…

-

The late afternoon sun was eternally ardent. Katya lay on her front on a lounger, her black bikini top untied to prevent tan lines, and she listened as Trixie talked to Pearl in the pool. Pearl was a DJ, burnt out from a relentless, nocturnal schedule. Her voice was flat and gave the impression she was uninterested if you didn’t notice her mouth turned up at its corners or the way she looked directly into the eyes of the person she spoke to. Her focussed gaze contrasted the seemingly laissez faire attitude she exuded and Katya propped her head up on her chin so she could watch her and Trixie interact. 

Katya delighted in observing people for the sheer pleasure of it and, whilst in this case she had vested interest in Trixie, she also wanted to get to know her fellow yogis at her own pace under her own rules. Scoping out the other women first helped her feel less anxious about introducing herself.

Pearl got out of the water, her lithe body effortlessly delicate, and she meandered over to Katya. “Can I borrow your lotion? I was a fucking idiot and forgot mine.” She rolled her eyes at herself and Katya smiled, almost forgetting to do up her bikini before sitting to rummage under her towel for her bottle of Piz Buin. 

“Here you go. I’m Katya, by the way, and I need you to know that we can’t ever stand next to each other in a state of undress because wow.” She gestured up and down Pearl’s slim form, making the younger woman smile and roll her eyes again.

“Shut up.” She took the lotion and began rubbing it on her chest and stomach. Katya made overly pornographic moans, eliciting a scream-laugh from Trixie who had gotten out of the pool to join them. Pearl huffed a laugh and gave the bottle back to Katya. “Thanks for that.” Her dry tone made Katya cackle. Katya invited Pearl to lie next to her. Trixie came to sit in front of them, in the shade, and the three of them lapsed into a comfortable silence. 

Behind her sunglasses, Katya peeped open an eye to inconspicuously give Trixie the once-over. She was so unlike Katya, curvy with gorgeous rolls on her stomach that were just asking to be bitten. She wore a black and white polka dot bathing suit that stretched exquisitely over her breasts, her cleavage deep and inviting. The one piece accentuated her long legs. Her thick thighs looked smoother than Katya could even imagine and her ass, god, it was impossible for Katya to think about anything else when she was looking at Trixie’s ass, so peachy and round and perfect. 

Her hourglass silhouette was to die for. Katya was already sacrificing herself. She didn’t mean to, she never did, nor could she determine whether it was in her nature or another bad habit she couldn’t break. She closed her eyes again and concentrated on the heat hitting her chest, not the arousal blooming in the pit of her stomach and making its way further down. She willed austerity to come to her.

They discussed the meditation session (Pearl finding it better than how her own yoga instructor conducts it, Trixie giving a scathing newcomer’s review) and which classes they would be taking tomorrow. Both Pearl and Katya chose the more advanced classes and Trixie thought it best to stay safe with the “hopefully easier” ones, still very much a wary beginner. Katya shouldn’t have been so endeared. And shouldn’t have imagined giving Trixie some private lessons...

When Trixie and Katya got back to their room they had an hour to get ready. Katya held up two dresses for Trixie to judge. The first was a knee length black dress, tight fitting and fixed at the waist with a patent belt. The shoulders, neckline and sleeves were made of thin mesh with black dotted details and showed off her tattooed arms. It was probably the most normal item of clothing she owned bar her sports bras and yoga pants. The second dress was a vibrant, startling red in the style of an oversized shirt, patterned with hundreds of hand painted white NO’s. The collar was pinned together by a brooch depicting St. Agatha holding two breasts on a plate. 

“The second one. It’s so bad it’s fantastic and I think it gives everyone a fairly accurate impression of you.” Trixie responded after pretending to deeply consider the options. 

Katya cocked her head to the side, amusement playing on her florid face, “And what impression is that?”

“That you’re a total fucking whack job, of course. Now go shower before you drown us both in all that sweat of yours.”

Katya did as she was told. She resolutely did not touch herself under the stream of tepid water. And definitely did not imagine Trixie being in there with her. It had barely been a day but Katya was becoming addicted. That was nothing new and yet, regardless, this - whatever this was - felt safe and fun for now. Katya had very little experience of such luxuries. 

She finished washing and shut the water off and watched as it all went down the drain.

\- 

Dinner was served outside under a billowing ivory canopy, the sun setting sluggishly so the air was still balmy and compressed. A long dining table was laid out, decorated with flowers and tea lights and silver cutlery, awaiting everyone’s arrival. Some of the group were stood mingling together at one end, and Katya spotted Pearl amongst them, listening to a striking, stick thin woman whose black hair reminded her of cartoon oil. It pooled around her pale décolletage. Her waist was cinched in a vintage inspired corset so tightly it was an utter miracle she could move or breathe. The bustier was pointed, magnificently tongue-in-cheek, and gave an illusion that left Katya’s mouth dry. She often felt lustful and inadequate but rarely at the same time. 

The day had been a success so far; the adrenaline of the new experience had numbed her jagged edges and contained itself, not yet becoming erratic in her veins. Trixie’s presence reassured her and getting to know Pearl and Kasha, however briefly, enabled her to feel capable, to push aside her mind’s status quo.

Somewhere close by, Trixie was introducing herself to an older woman with neatly curled lavender-pink hair. Katya needed a minute and walked as invisibly as she could away from the buildings, her heels digging into the ground leaving evidence of her diversion. She patted herself down to find the cigarette she had slotted in the ample space between the lace of her bra and her meager chest. Undoing a few buttons, she reached her hand inside her dress and retrieved her little mortiferous saviour. 

She imagined a doctor in scrubs, adorned by his silver stethoscope, telling her she had “lung cancer, Barbara.” She snickered to herself in her own sick way and lit up, her eyes hypnotically following the swirls of smoke writhing into the expanse of the sky. 

The noiselessness of the desert, of being removed, and her familiar movements gave her the brief reprieve she knew she needed if she were to put her best foot forward during dinner. She was good at masking everything - she’d had fucking years of coaching herself to perfect such a woeful artform - but she thought, then, of the intentions she had written, of how willing she was to navigate them. She thought of how ironic it was, to be so clueless and incompetent when she spent her days helping others in similar states. She thought of fucking Trixie, cigarette still in hand as she lurched over her, fingering her as deep as she could take her.

When Katya got back to the table area, the rest of the group had turned up, including Michelle and Raja, who were making their way around to speak to each person. She half hoped Trixie had noticed her absence, half hoped she hadn’t. 

Soon, everyone sat and dinner was served. An array of Greek meze filled up the distance between Katya and Trixie, facing each other but talking to their neighbours. Katya stretched her legs out beneath the white tablecloth to rest against Trixie’s, surreptitiously. The bare skin of her calf was solid, warm. A buzz ran from their point of contact towards Katya’s jolting heart. It wasn’t the kind of touch that dominated. It was comfortable for all it was sensational too. The friction when either of them shifted served as a pleasant complement to Katya’s exchange with Fame, a makeup artist raised on a farm as rural as they come and flung into stardom via Youtube tutorial. 

They were talking about Urban Decay, their favourite products and failsafes. Katya’s concentration had been split between her and Trixie until, as sudden as a car crash, she was hit by Fame’s frank disclosure, “I treated myself to a total haul when I first got sober. I must have bought out half of their stock. I think I still have an old gloss that I can’t bring myself to throw out even though it’s been almost ten years. I checked it out a few months back and, to be honest, I applaud the formula ‘cause it doesn’t look anywhere near as gross as it should.” 

Katya paused, counted to three, inhaled and relayed, “Girl, that’s way more glam than my one year anniversary. I celebrated by paying my water bill and going to the doctors for a non-drug related problem for the first time since I was a kid. I’d never been so happy to have psoriasis!” Fame laughed, poised yet dorky (which made for such an endearing contrast) before she launched into a story about taking one of her chickens with her to a hospital appointment for good luck. And just like that, the responsibility of having to broach the topic that always ended up as a deal breaker was rescued off her shoulders. 

Once dessert had been eaten and everyone was nursing glasses of masala tea, Michelle came to sit in the empty chair to Katya’s left. “Hey doll, how’re you holding up?” Michelle was a protector, it was clear. Katya was blindsided by her palpable Virgo call to nurture, by the way she made each woman feel welcomed without even trying. The skin around her wide mouth burrowed deceptively deep as she smiled and it was comforting to be close to her. Through emails, Katya had spoken to her a couple of times. She was perhaps one of the most personable women she had written to, a mix of hard and soft, tough and tender. Yet feeling her energy was even better. 

“Surprisingly well, thank you. It’s lovely here.” Katya looked down at her lap. She had ridden herself of most of her proclivity to be ashamed throughout her way to recovery but embarrassment was an old foe that persisted in haunting her at her most vulnerable. She resolved to raise her gaze to Michelle’s. She deserved that, at the very least. “Been thinking about my intentions...” 

Michelle smiled again, softer this time, understanding, “You know you’re the only one who literally wrote them out for me.” She cut Katya off before she could interject with self-derogation, “I really appreciated it. I can tell you’re meticulous about certain things. Remember what all this is about. It’s not about escaping or changing who you are. You’re ready. I don’t doubt that and I don’t think you do either, deep down.”

“I just need something to attend to, you know? Like, I need to serve myself, get involved in spiritual observance and keep it free of judgement. Study myself like we do during meditation, not like I do when I want to destroy.” 

Michelle nodded, squeezing Katya’s shoulder, telling her she looks forward to supporting her, to enjoy the rest of the evening and to seek her out if ever she needs it. Katya had heard it all before, in one ear and out the other because her contempt for herself shut her down, pushed others away. A large part of her development beyond addiction was surrendering to being receptive to help. 

Michelle’s words replayed. They gathered behind Katya’s lobes, brushed up against cartilage and sinewed tissue. She let them be. She let herself be.

Katya decided to turn in shortly after. She told Trixie, who was lounging in the seating area by the pool with Fame, Pearl and the corseted woman (Violet, such a pin up name, Katya thought). Trixie said she would join her in ten minutes or so and, whilst a small part of her wanted to get a solid night’s sleep in before rising early for Ashtanga, she knew that was impossible - sleep wasn’t a reliable ally to her and, ultimately, she was holding out on the prospect of chatting with Trixie, alone in their private cocoon.

As soon as the door closed behind her, Katya took off her dress and put it back in her suitcase. She removed her bra but kept her black panties on. They were one of her favourite pairs, high waisted with cut out sides and black satin criss-crossing her protruding hip bones, the gaps exposing a teasing amount of skin. She shoved on a plain T-shirt and let her hair down from the messy half-pony she’d tried to force her blonde curls into. She ran her fingers through her fringe, which wasn’t as sweaty as she had expected it to be, though it stuck up from her fiddling, and brushed her teeth. She studied her face in the bathroom mirror. She decided to keep her makeup on. 

And then she blinked and the image of a timer appeared on the chest of her reflection. It counted down from two minutes fourteen seconds, thirteen, twelve, eleven... She spun out of the cramped space and paced the distance between the doorway and her bed; the back and forth motion maintained her heart rate but didn’t feed its will to quicken. 

Trixie walked in on Katya wheezing, wiggling her arms by her shoulders, the brightness of her grin as big as if it were trying to overtake her whole face. She was a person, experiencing unfiltered, undeterred excitement again. Joy, even! Anticipation not stemmed from dread, restlessness fed from the urge to do, be, feel. 

Trixie took one long look at her and screamed that rapturous ‘AAAAH!’ which was perhaps becoming Katya’s new favourite sound. An infectious cacophony and shared bout of gleeful hysteria whizzed between their flailing bodies and they laughed and laughed and laughed until Katya was spent, contentedness caressing her tiring limbs. She hummed, closed her eyes and rested her forehead against Trixie’s shoulder. She imagined thousands of little yellow smiley faces jostling to pass from her body to Trixie’s, to dance on her collarbone and the chubby skin of her neck beneath her prominent chin. 

Katya sensed Trixie’s cheek graze the top of her head. It came to her like a blessing and she wondered if Trixie would let her pore over her like the intricate words of ancient scripture, worship her like the god she used to search for.


	3. Asana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be away on my hols for two weeks so thought I'd post another chapter before I leave. Thanks for reading!

Katya learned a lot that night. 

She learned about Trixie’s childhood, how her step dad would unceasingly shout at her until she cowered; would raise his hand as if to slap her yet decide against it at the last minute, not because of any moral sensibility belatedly kicking in, but because it would torture her even more not to receive what she actually wanted him to do. He would never give in to giving her tangible proof. 

She learned how he would call Trixie a dyke even before she knew what it meant, before she realised how her feelings and thoughts and stories about her school friends weren’t ‘normal’, were deemed disgusting, abominable. She learned that Trixie’s favourite colour had always been pink because her femininity, her love of the feminine, was something she had always been punished for and she staunchly refused to hide her own form of celebration, such a miniscule act of love for herself amongst the magnitude of abuse.

She learned how Trixie spoke, how the remnants of her accent only hinted at her origins, never giving them away completely; how she described her most bleak memories with the most humour and delivered her sardonic one liners with a straight face (until Katya howled, convulsing with amusement and Trixie joined in with just as much gumption). 

She learned how natural it felt to sit cross legged on the floor, their backs to their respective beds, talking about whatever, about the inconsequential and the matter of life or death. 

Katya held her tongue for a while, from blurting what it needed to. She wanted to relish in the discovery rather than squirm under the pressure of confession. She pictured her adolescent self taking communion at mass, receiving the host and flicking it under her tongue. It would melt during the short procession her and her family made to get back to their creaking pew and the wilted wafer would stick, so stubbornly, to her lower gum. 

“Are you alright?” Trixie finally asked and Katya found it never got easier to say no, not in this particular context. Trixie’s eyebrows furrowed and her expression took a form Katya hadn’t seen on her until then. She didn’t quite know how to read it. Usually that would scare her and lead her to diffuse the situation until all was forgotten, brushed over like the discerning questions she posed at Sunday school. 

“I just...need to say something and I won’t hold it against you, how you respond, and I’ll understand if you’re not comfortable around me or want to change rooms af—”

“Kat—”

“I’m a drug addict. And an alcoholic. Well, more accurately, I have an array of addictions - meth mainly but, y’know, coke, behavioural habits too and sometimes patterned thinking, intrusive thoughts, that kind of thing - and they’ve affected me most of my life to different extents. I am sober right now and have been for a while. So I don’t want to make you uneasy but I also don’t want to spend time with people who aren’t understanding about this particular thing and I usually inform everyone I meet almost as soon as I meet them so we can both make our judgements and I won’t need to waste my time.” 

Katya’s pulse was racing, her breath was more laboured than when she holds Eka Hasta Bhujasana. It mattered to her, what Trixie thought. She’d gotten to the point where normally it didn’t - strangers’ opinions were unnecessary additions to her infinite own. Nevertheless, she wanted Trixie to value her, to care for her and the body that housed her many idiosyncrasies, like Katya herself was striving to do. She stared at the flyaways peeking out from Trixie’s otherwise flawlessly coiffed hair so that she didn’t have to see whatever brewed in Trixie’s eyes. 

“I get that.” Trixie said, gentle in her delivery but with an evident force that emphasised she really did. “I wouldn’t want to be around anyone who couldn’t accept my history...because it’s not really history is it? Whatever might have happened in the past, it still has its effects - positive or negative or neither, right?” 

Katya nodded, dumbfounded by how eloquently Trixie managed to summarise the matter of it all. Trixie’s way of showing recognition suited Katya down to the ground. It wasn’t flashy, which would make her feel like she should grovel at the feet of those who were feigning compassion for her. It wasn’t vacant - she didn’t react well to detachment, even under the guise of neutrality being the most correct course of action. Katya didn’t think it was hard, really, to come through at the right time, but people had a long standing record of disappointing. Trixie was refreshing; she pitched perfectly. 

“Can I ask, though?” 

Katya’s head perked up. She braced herself at the unexpected change of tone.

“How the hell have you still got such nice teeth?!” 

The most uninhibited, guttural, all encompassing bellow of a laugh escaped her, filled the room with its extravagance and melded with Trixie’s like the ideal accompaniment. She slapped her thighs, harder than she had in a long time, her head lolling back on the bed, exposing the taut muscles and tendons of her neck as they flexed under the vigor of her reaction. Trixie’s humour was something else.

“You rotted cunt! You whore!” Katya shrieked, doubling over and whacking her hand on Trixie’s knee to punctuate her profanities. She raised herself up again but kept her grip on Trixie exactly where it was, not ready to let go just yet. 

They eventually calmed down, taking a brief reprieve from enrapturing themselves in the volume of their raport. 

Katya looked out beyond their room, through the window to the night sky. Darkness enclosed them, blocking out the world beyond the farm’s perimetres so it appeared as if they were the only two people left on earth. Katya wouldn’t mind that. She contemplated having Trixie all to herself. She contemplated giving all of herself to Trixie. She didn’t do that, but she couldn’t help wonder what it would be like.

“Tell me about Boston.” Quieter now, Trixie was visibly more relaxed, her body sagging against where she rested. Katya still had her hand on her knee. She reluctantly pulled it away, a move she disguised as shuffling into a more comfortable position. 

Her motormouth ran. “When I was in college, I was a part of S—what’s called SIM. Studio for Interrelated Media. It’s like this big collective of artists, all types, all working together, constant projects, performance pieces, y’know. Part of the whole thing was being involved in a city wide festival but I never really went for that.”

“Why not?” Trixie enquired, cutting in.

“Anxiety.” Katya deadpanned, which elicited an amused huff. “One night, my friends and I put on this weird show in a park - the kind of park you go to to drink and maybe fuck if you’re lucky, or unlucky, whatever - and it was surreal to me because we chose a time and place which defeats the purpose of being seen but suddenly - I don’t know how - suddenly there was a crowd. Out of nowhere! It was incredible. That’s what Boston’s li— can be like. For me.”

It wasn’t often that Katya felt any sort of emotional attachment to her home city, but relaying the memory to Trixie gave her a taste of it.

“That’s what drew me to LA like a total stereotype. Growing up in Wisconsin was so bare and dull. It was bumpkin town after bumpkin town where you took a shit in your outhouse and then had to drive two hours to get to school or the nearest McDonalds. I guess I’m just a slut for attention but in LA there’s always someone around to watch you. Even if you’re pissing yourself on stage some sick fuck is gonna enjoy it and hopefully tip you for the effort.”

“Yes, mama!” Katya quipped with a wiggle of her eyebrows and Trixie scream-laughed. “You said you were a singer?”

Trixie acquiesced, a flash of discontent struck her face. “Trying to be, just like everyone else it seems. I’m good and I deserve an audience bigger than I’m getting. Sometimes I feel ungrateful but there’s only so many times you can be the backing singer when you know you’re meant to be the headline act.” 

“That must be very frustrating. I can understand why you’d be feeling discouraged.” Katya heard herself, as serious as if she was sitting with one of her patients. She didn’t want to be professional with Trixie. She briefly worried if she’d misspoken, if she had ruined what they had built by falling back on what she knew, a learned script. But their conversation felt personal, equal, the way they flip flopped from joke to admission in seconds. She asked, with a comical flourish and a wriggle of her shoulders, “Can I listen to your discography, then?” 

They spent the rest of the night on Spotify, Trixie still in her above-the-knee, vintage nightie-style dress from dinner, her thick foundation beginning to cake. They started on Trixie’s page before delving into their sometimes contrasting, sometimes congruous tastes. Katya was indebted to Trixie for indulging her in her twenty minute soliloquy on why Lana Del Rey was a modern day pop genius. However, she repaid her a thousand times over when Trixie began gushing about Dolly Parton.

It was 3:12am when they decided to be responsible adults and go to sleep. Katya eased herself into unconsciousness with the half-remembered echo of Trixie’s songs, a lullaby of country twang and heartfelt longing, tender envisionments gliding across the backs of her closed eyelids like the shadows of a new love.

-

Katya woke three hours later. She opened her eyes and in that very instant her stomach plummeted. Every inch of the room before her was like a corny TV show detective’s cork board, linking evidence together in webs all centred around an unflattering image of the purported criminal. Nothing was actually, physically amiss, but Katya saw every indent of her finger prints on every surface, the follicles and skin cells which proved her guilty for harbouring these feelings for someone she had only just met. 

Push pins pierced her temples and stabbed the soles of her feet. Her thoughts hurtled towards her like an assault, a barrage of _did I say something stupid can she tell what’s going on in my head when I look at her am I wrong to be thinking about anything like this on a fucking retreat am I using her as a distraction from my anxiety am I deluding myself why does she make me want to lay my life down for her what if she holds what I told her against me what if she can’t treat me the same way now how can I have let this happen…_

She launched out of bed, blood rushing to her head from the speed at which she had to move, to get the fuck away from the scene of her crimes. She might have clattered about the place, for all she knew, for all she tried to keep quiet. Trixie’s face wasn’t visible, her sheets wrapped closely around her sleeping form. Katya didn’t allow herself to glance at her again. Instead, she changed her underwear, pulled on some shorts, grabbed her keys and fled. 

The morning breeze hardly touched her. Her bare feet slapped the stone slates of the poolside as she made a beeline for the yoga studio, desperate to put her energy into movement. Through the glass, she could make out a couple of figures beginning their sequence, the reflection of the horizon and the few drifting clouds above it distorting her view. She kept to herself, swiftly grabbing a mat and placing it on the floor as close to the windows as possible. She needed light. 

She stood at the top of her mat, her big toes pressed together, and chalked her hands and feet. Starting in Tadasana, she felt the frantic beating of her heart being guided into a calmer state by her deliberately steady breath. It came from the back of her throat and sounded like the lapping waves of the ocean, soothing. She lifted her arms over her head, palms facing inwards, and presented her chest as an open offering to the sky. On the exhale, she hinged to Uttanasana, inhaled to Ardha Uttanasana, exhaled to plant her hands flat on the ground. Jumping back to plank, lowering in Chaturanga, she focussed on her muscles engaging, her core pulling her together. In upward facing dog, she raised her gaze, lowered her shoulders and felt the ripple of power pass through her awakening body, a gift too precious to waste. She rolled over her toes into downward facing dog, closed her eyes and let the poses lead her out of her panic. 

Once satisfied that her session had come to completion, Katya braved returning to her room, running through some affirmations in her head on the way: what they had shared with each other last night was real and honest; she had not ruined their blooming friendship, she had strengthened it; everything was ok. 

As Katya came through the door, Trixie exclaimed, “Praise the Lord Jesus Christ!” in her most put-on southern accent. “I was thinking I’d have to sit through breakfast in this Jane Fonda get-up without you.” She pouted, one hand on her cocked hip. She wore a baby pink leotard, her yellow sports bra visible underneath where it was straining to contain her boobs, its straps a lot thicker than the material on top of it. Little matching leg warmers gathered at her ankles. She looked astounding. Katya’s mouth practically watered. 

“Oh, I am here for this outfit.” Katya complimented her, wiping the remaining damp from her forehead and rushing to spray a generous amount of deodorant under her arms in the bathroom.

“I don’t know who you’re trying to gas but last time someone did that it was generally considered a bad idea so I’d advise you to stop.” 

“Trixie!” Katya screeched and they fell into fits of laughter again, the last of Katya’s worries tumbling down. 

After checking she was ready to leave, Trixie motioned for Katya to link her arm in hers. They walked to breakfast, connected, and Katya didn’t even try to prevent a gigantic smile from lighting up her face, didn’t blush (much) when Violet commented on how cute they looked all cuddled up together. If she made sure her chair was pushed closer than would normally be acceptable to Trixie’s as they ate, she wasn’t going to torment herself over it. She’d had enough of that for the day already. 

“Katya, are you going to Raja’s class?” Violet asked liked she expected an affirmative answer. Katya nodded and they agreed to hang out then go along together. Katya was daunted by Violet. She exuded a confidence Katya wished she possessed herself. And she was so damn young, it was utterly unfair but equally inspiring, in a way. Her usual pin up aesthetic was nowhere to be seen that morning. She wore her hair in a lazy ponytail, the ends rather thin and lifeless. Her dramatically arched eyebrows were tattooed on, most likely microbladed, but the rest of her face was clean, unaltered. Her sports bra was plain black on her flat chest and matched the tight cycling shorts she apparently also wore when she was doing her aerial performances. Violet wasn’t a warm person but there was something about her that Katya couldn’t rebuff. 

Trixie was going to attend Michelle’s class. Katya noticed, under the show of sarcasm and flippant remarks, that her fists were clenched, her nails digging into her palms. When she found a suitable moment, Violet having gone to get a smoothie made, Katya placed her hand over Trixie’s. “Hey, you’ll be fine. Yoga classes are a judgement free zone. Most people are too concerned about their own poses to even think about anyone else’s. Plus, with an ass like yours, anyone looking your way will have, like, tunnel vision straight to it.” 

“AAAAAH!” That sound would grate on most people’s ears, but to Katya it was addictive. “Thank you, though,” Trixie said, “This just isn’t exactly my thing. I embarked on a bit of a fitness journey a couple of years ago after I put on too much weight for my liking but Kim thought yoga would be good for me.”

“How come?” Katya asked, not breaking the precious eye contact they had maintained.

“Let’s just say I went to the doctors thinking I must have become allergic to something ‘cause my eyes kept watering. Turns out - depression. So Kim said I should try something new and relaxing and practically forced me here. It’s why I was late, actually. I had a bit of a tantrum, which I’m not proud of. She was done with my shit but in, like, a good way. She’s kicking my ass to help me get better.”

“She sounds like a really good friend. You’re lucky to have each other - shit like depression can be fucking isolating.”

“Yeah. I know it’s ‘cause of how stagnant my career is right now. It just took a while for me to realise how badly it was affecting me.”

Katya opened her mouth to respond but was cut short by Violet returning, loudly lamenting how long it took for her to get her drink. Katya was tempted to quote America’s Top Model at her (she pictured herself reciting the iconic line: “I just wanna tell you that some people have war in their countries.” She might have actually done it if it was Trixie but she couldn’t bear to flatline. She didn’t want to run the risk of getting on the wrong side of Violet, for she speculated that it was possible). 

When it was time to part, Katya squeezed Trixie’s hand in a way she hoped didn’t come across as patronising. She walked alongside Violet, listening to her explain what her performances involved with keen interest. Violet urged her to come to one of her shows in the future and Katya readily acceded, half out of curiosity and half out of satisfaction at being invited in the first place. 

Their class was the busiest of the concurrent two. Katya and Violet placed themselves next to each other in the second row, off centre but luckily not crammed near the wall. Raja introduced himself, giving the group a brief history of his practice. He had grown up in Indonesia and had been surrounded by yogic traditions since childhood. He began at a young age but started to take yoga seriously when he moved to the US with his family, yearning to lessen the disconnect from his native culture. He received his 500 hours accreditation and had been teaching for over ten years. Katya was eager to see what his style was like. 

The class commenced with them in a comfortable seated position, spine tall, imagining the crown of the head was trying to meet the ceiling. They completed two rounds of Kapalbhati, the latter round with their arms raised, armpits exposed and thumbs pointing to the back of the room. Moving to cat and cow, Katya felt her body warm up again, though it never took her long - she was gleefully the sweatiest woman in all her sessions - and she sensed her palms becoming damp when they continued to pass from downward dog into plank for eight long counts of breath. 

The hour and a half passed before she realised just where the time had gone. It was why she adored yoga so much. Not because it blanked out the troubles within and around her, but because it gave her the ultimate focus on her body. Whatever was happening to her could be observed solely as an influence over her strength, flexibility and concentration, and nothing else. To master all three skills took a certain mental capacity. It demanded her full attention. 

There was only one other experience that altered her state as powerfully as yoga, if not more. Sex, to her, was an act which took her mind in its vice-like grip and dunked her whole being beneath the normal bounds of reality. When she fucked, she entered a flow. She could do it for hours and it would feel like she was floating in an otherworldly continuum, time and space and material matter inconsequential, nonexistent. 

When she turned 30, she decided to fuck as many women as she could, trying as much as she desired, training herself to take whatever was required to reach her limits. Her late twenties were rather barren, for a myriad of reasons. She wanted to have the next decade of her life begin with a bang or two, or one hundred and eighty seven, as it transpired. Whilst she certainly would never choose to do some of the things she did during that year again, she met an entire spectrum of the most bizarre, interesting, sexy, disturbing and downright plain people who all, part by part, aided her in determining what she craved and what really did it for her. 

Yoga and sex weren’t at all the same, yet how she involved herself in one reminded her of the other (though she took yoga a lot more seriously). She hadn’t got turned on in classes before despite being surrounded by tens of other women, all stretchy and supple. But she’d never say never for the future...

As people were filing out of the studio, Katya went over to thank Raja for such a wonderful session before leaving too, Violet a few steps ahead. She caught up and they fell into an easy rhythm, going over the class. As they sat down by the pool and put their feet in the water to cool down, Michelle’s group came out. Katya spotted Trixie straight away, sweat patches having formed on her leotard, her cheeks naturally rosy. She was talking animatedly to Michelle and seemed a lot happier than before the class. 

Katya was relieved. During her own morning’s session, she wasn’t thinking of much beyond her breath and how her hip flexors were still being intractably stiffer than the rest of her. But she did dedicate her practice to Trixie in the hope that her energy could be shared between them, that Trixie would find at least something she liked about yoga. 

“I said, Raja’s apparently going to organise a hike in a few days. Are. You. Coming?” Violet’s stern voice shook her from her reverie, a shot of panic jolted her until she realised Violet was smirking. She was teasing just like a friend would because she knew exactly where Katya’s attention had wandered to. 

Katya laughed, told her to suck her dick and agreed to come on the condition that she could push Violet off one of Joshua Tree’s infamous rock formations. Violet retorted that she doubted someone as old as Katya could get up there in the first place and they cackled together like two very different witches who were nonetheless part of the same coven.

By the time Trixie came over to them they had shut their eyes, leaning back on their forearms, quiet but for the sound of their feet splashing a gentle patter. “So it turns out I need to stop being a whiny bitch, be generally more personable and also: yoga isn’t that bad, I guess.” 

Violet gasped mockingly and proclaimed. “Come through, all new and improved Trixie Mattel!” 

Trixie laughed more abashedly than otherwise, Katya thought, and joked, “Now with moving parts!”

Katya asked what had prompted these declarations. Trixie relayed Michelle’s no nonsense attitude and how she gave variations that both challenged and eased her. She didn’t disclose any details about what Michelle had said to her on the way out but Katya had a feeling that if she asked, later that night in the seclusion of their room, she’d get what she wanted.

The rest of the day went by without much of a hitch. Lunch was as delicious as it could be for someone who didn’t like food (“How can you not like food? That’s like not liking air!” Trixie had shrieked when Katya was pushing her dhal around her plate, forming an abstract picture disinterestedly) and her class in the afternoon left her pleasingly sore. 

Katya opted to dress more casually for dinner that evening as the temperature was still over ninety and she couldn’t face sweating all over her best outfits. She tied a garishly printed, short sleeved shirt at the waist and left it almost unbuttoned, her bare chest peeping out of the gap between the cotton. It was too fucking hot to wear a bra. She paired the shirt with an equally gaudy A-line skirt, which reached a few inches above her knee, the print clashing and vivid, and shoved on a pair of zebra patterned Marc Jacobs sunglasses. They were a very kind gift from her parents and she loved how the cherry red lenses reflected. 

“My eyes! My eyes!” Trixie yelled when she had come out of the bathroom and caught her first glimpse of Katya’s...choices. Trixie had put on a cute floral sundress and wore a matching headband made out of the same material. She was giving off the sexiest of 70s hippie vibes and Katya couldn’t look away from her all night, drawn like a withering moth to a hypnotic flame. 

Katya went for her allocated lone cigarette and met the rest of the girls at the dinner table. Trixie had saved her a space in between herself and Pearl. Violet and Fame were opposite them, engrossed in a conversation about a runway show at London Fashion Week earlier that year. Pearl was rather quiet but listened to what was being said, offering her opinion here and there. Katya couldn’t really concentrate on anything, let alone properly form sentences, Trixie distracting her beyond belief. Katya was thankful Trixie liked to talk so much and didn’t seem to notice she was suffering. 

She was rapidly becoming worn out. Lack of sleep and the early morning anxiety had taken it out of her. It got too much, trying to tune in to what everyone was saying whilst trying not to fixate on Trixie, whilst trying to eat and keep hydrated and not melt in the desert climate, whilst trying not to cave in and have another cigarette and think about things that would do her no good.

She lasted until 9pm, made her excuses and vanished back to her room. She stripped off so she was just in her panties and crawled under the covers. Her clothes were left abandoned on the floor, a dishevelled trail leading to her bed. The last thing she remembered before she passed out was the way Trixie had looked at her with thoughtful concern, like she was as delicate as gold leaf and perhaps just as beautiful too.


	4. Pranayama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies, I'm back from my hols and here with another chapter. Thank you to those who have left me a comment or given kudos or just read this thing in the first place. I appreciate it :)))
> 
> I was rewatching Season 7 Untucked when I was writing this chapter so spot the references! 
> 
> I'm still in the midst of writing chapter 7 atm - further behind than I expected as I didn't have chance to write a word whilst I was away, but looking forward to getting back into it. Plus, I have ideas for my next fic already...
> 
> Enjoy!

“Kat? Katya?” Trixie’s whispered voice permeated, pulled her from the depths of sleep into a bleary half-aware daze. “Sorry for waking you, I just wanted to check you were alright.”

Katya turned over, squinting up at the blonde towering above her in the blackness of midnight. She stretched, letting out a deep sigh, her vision slowly adjusting. “Mhmm, I was just so tired. I couldn’t keep up.”

“I’m not surprised, you went out at an ungodly hour.” Trixie was in her Dolly T-shirt again, her legs bare, her face freshly washed and her hair braided to one side. She looked heaven sent.

Katya didn’t quite know what to say. Her brain hadn’t caught up with the fact that she was now conscious and that she had Trixie so close, so attentive. She shuffled over towards the wall, leaving ample space beside her and pulled back the sheets, silently inviting Trixie into her bed. In the dead of night, she could be courageous, she could do something without overthinking.

Trixie clambered in after a second’s consideration, the weight of her sinking into the mattress so it dipped a lot more on her side than Katya’s. She lay on her back, the smallest of distances between them. Their bodies didn’t touch. Katya stared at her, blinking, trying to take in the details of her form. From this angle, her nose seemed just as bold as it did when she contoured but the rest of her features were soft. She watched the minute rise and fall of her chest, how still she was, like a canonised saint laid to rest in the Vatican. 

And then Trixie turned to her, their faces barely an inch apart. Even in the darkness, their gazes bore into one another’s, so profoundly and intensely that Katya didn’t know if she would ever recover from the impact. She was transfixed, at Trixie’s absolute mercy. Katya wondered if Trixie knew, if she could sense how she held her breath in order to hear Trixie’s, uninterrupted, how she froze for fear of breaking whatever spell had brought them together like this. How she wanted. How she refrained. 

Her bare breasts were covered by the sheets she clutched onto. Her collar bones stuck out. Her grip took all her strength.Trixie looked impassive in contrast, expression blank save for her blazing eyes, giving nothing away. They were anchored together in this intoxicating silence for so long that Katya briefly thought she had died and was experiencing purgatory in a way the bible couldn’t even begin to convey, despite all its pages, all its longevity in the hearts and minds of believers. This was the most sacred moment of her life, the most torturous limbo. 

Trixie reached up to smooth her hand over Katya’s errant curls, caressing her once, twice, three blessed times before murmuring, “Good night.” Her voice sounded more delicate than usual. She retracted her hand and placed it by her opposite shoulder, curled against the mattress. She closed her eyes and seemed at peace. Katya was stunned, winded, so much so that all she could do was fall back asleep too and pray this wasn’t all some hellish fever dream.

In the morning, she woke first. She had no idea what time it was and had no intention of finding out, not when the opportunity to study Trixie as she slept presented itself to her. Trixie had rolled over in the night, kicked down the sheets so Kaya’s breasts were exposed. A hint of arousal taunted her at the thought of Trixie stirring and seeing her, nipples hard from being bared. She didn’t let herself imagine the delectable possibilities of what could happen next, diverting her attention instead to the whirring of Trixie’s breath, how her t-shirt sloped over her curves and gave Katya a glimpse of her ass where the hem rode up. Her panties were pale pink, cotton framing her cheeks with their simple hipster cut. 

Katya bit her lip and wiped away the sweat that had formed on her forehead and neck overnight. 

Whilst waiting for Trixie to wake up, she formulated her plan for the day. She decided she was going to go to Raja’s Vinyasa class in the morning and then take it easier in the afternoon with Michelle’s Yin Yoga before whole group meditation. She also wanted to get a little gymnastics practice done, poolside in her bikini to try and bronze up her shamefully pale skin. She observed the greens and blues of her veins, tracking their journey up her arm and imagining the blood being carried within them. 

She looked back to Trixie, her tan warm and so damn attractive. Katya was getting into dangerous territory. 

She didn’t know how Trixie might react to their bed sharing in the light of day, whether things would be awkward between them or if she’d make a joke of it, like she did with everything. She practiced a breathing exercise to control herself, imagining the air only coming up her right nostril as she inhaled, only coming out of her left as she exhaled, and vice versa. She would keep it together. 

“You sound like Darth Vader.” Trixie remarked suddenly, her voice heavy, gravelly with sleep.

Katya grinned into her pillow, turning to lie on her front so if Trixie shifted around she wouldn’t be met with an eyeful. “Trixie, I am your father.” 

“Well, you sure are old enough.”

Katya squawked with laughter, her smoker’s lungs sibilating. “Shut up, you cunt!”

“Mmm, you’ve not fucked me yet though so I have a few doubts.”

“Oh my god, I hate you.” Katya buried her face, simpering to herself as she listened to Trixie crack up. When Katya raised her head to watch her, Trixie had sat up, legs folded, and was massaging her neck muscles. It should have been illegal, how good she looked; rumpled, radiant, still a little dozy. It took all her willpower not to position herself behind her, rub her breasts up against her back and envelope her arms around her. 

It appeared as if Trixie hadn’t noticed Katya’s state of undress just yet. Katya yearned to see her reaction, to see if her pupils blew wide or her breath caught in her throat. Even if Trixie jerked back in repulsion, at least then Katya would know. 

And because she was destined to torture herself even more, she then suggested to Trixie, “Why don’t you come with me to Raja’s class after breakfast?” It was a true testament to her self sabotaging nature, that she would try and coax Trixie so she could witness her all sweaty and straining. She didn’t even expect Trixie to say yes and so when she did, she couldn’t help but gasp slightly in surprise. And anticipation. 

“I feel a lot better after yesterday. Though I’ll probably still be intimidated by you and your rubber band limbs.”

Katya stared at her, wide eyed, “Intimidated by me? I don’t think anyone’s ever been intimidated by me before.”

“Alright, alright, don’t get used to it.” Trixie said as she went around the room, tidying up and getting her things ready. 

Katya caught her attention, knelt up on the bed with her legs spread apart, holding the sheets to her chest. “Power!” She purred in a deep, husky, continental voice, whipping her head around and giving Trixie a piercing stare. They both fell about laughing. 

Trixie made her way to the bathroom, pausing in the doorway to look back at Katya. Katya felt wholly exposed, in that moment, vulnerable to whatever was mysteriously going on in Trixie’s head. Her wishful thinking made her expect Trixie to admit something, then. She sat back on her heels, wrapping her arms around herself. Trixie closed the door behind her and said nothing at all.

-

Fucking fucking fuck. 

Trixie had placed her mat splat bang in front of Katya. She wore pastel blue marl leggings that were absolutely not squat proof. Her sports bra dug into her so the delicious rolls around her lower shoulder blades spilled over the edge. Katya tried her hardest to focus on her own practice, not on how sweat poured down Trixie’s back; not on how her arms shook as she tried to hold plank; not on how her back arched so lasciviously in chair pose, her ass sticking out until Raja adjusted her pelvis forward. 

It was a double edged sword, having Trixie there. Part of her put even more energy into her practice so on the off chance that Trixie might see what she was doing she would undoubtedly be impressed. Part of her channelled too much thought and attention towards Trixie’s body and how it made her feel (overwhelmingly hot and bothered) that she didn’t connect with her own. She wasn’t used to that and it gave her a sense of unease, the kind that lingered in the background but would crop up later in full force. 

By the end of the class, frustration overtook her. As Trixie, Fame, Violet and the other girls packed away, Katya remained on her mat, running through several more vinyasas with added in progressions. She lowered herself in chaturanga but this time with her right knee rested on her right shoulder. As she moved back up to raised leg plank, she rotated to Vasisthasana before reaching back to wild thing, then wheel, her leg still extended in the air. Her arms shook. She vaguely heard whispers from the others, blocked out Trixie’s voice and drowned everything else out but for the thrumming of blood rushing through her veins.

“Come down and get into child’s pose with your hands linked at your lower back.” Raja’s voice tapped into her consciousness. She did as she was told. “Let your breath come back to a steady pace, deep and long. Feel the back of your ribs expand as you inhale.” 

When Katya had visibly calmed, Raja came to place his hands in between her shoulder blades, instructing her to breathe into them. When he took them away, she was allowed to sit up. She didn’t even notice the tears trickling down her cheeks until Raja delicately wiped them away. “Honey, whatever’s going on, don’t be afraid to turn inwards. It mightn’t be pleasant, it might be sickening, for all I know, but trying to push it out and away is only going to keep damaging you in the long run. Even if that’s just physically - the angle of your wrist in wild thing wasn’t pretty.”

Katya huffed a laugh, pawed at her face and then buried it in her hands. “Oh god, it’s so stupid. Usually I have a meltdown over some big existential crisis. Not over...fuck.” She sighed. 

“You don’t have to tell me, but you do have to listen to me. My retreat, my rules.” He smirked. 

Cheekily, Katya replied, “I thought it was Michelle’s?” 

Raja rolled his eyes, “That’s what she’ll have you believe.” 

“Thank you. I think it’s starting to hit me, how removed I am from my normal environment and network of people I depend on for support.”

“You have us, all of us. Don’t forget that. You’re not alone and we are all here for you.”  
Katya nodded, knowing deeply from within that to make the most out of her time at Ru’s Farm, she had to take every bit of advice and run with it. She also had to accept that she was still in her first few days there. Any adjustment took time, which she had, and commitment, which she was summoning more and more each day. With Michelle and Raja, she had a reliable safety net. All she had to do was use it.

The others were sat around the pool, plates filled with salad, couscous and a plethora of flavours of hummus, by the time Katya emerged. She scuttled to get a small helping for herself and plonked down next to Pearl, greeting her but averting her gaze from the others. Picking at her food, she tuned in to the thread of conversation - Violet asking who they thought looked most different at night, when everyone donned their heels and carefully applied their makeup as if it wasn’t bound to slide off their faces in the desert heat. They shared playful banter and Katya laughed along but didn’t add any mordant comments of her own. 

Pearl leant into Katya and quietly checked to see if she was ok. “You went a bit... at the end of class. They were worried about you. I don’t want to, like, pry but…” She trailed off and Katya smiled, grateful for her caring.

“Yeah I can get like that sometimes, nothing major but it ain’t fun, mama. I’m good now, Raja helped me out of it.” Pearl nudged her in a discreet display of affection. Katya nudged her back and they giggled like two naughty schoolgirls caught passing notes in lessons. 

Katya took her time getting changed into her bikini and applying sunscreen before going outside again. She wrote out a list of all the positive things that had happened so far and placed it on the mirror so when she looked at herself, she saw those things too.

She went through her day like she had planned, entertaining everyone with handstands and backflips and drop splits and even some pistol squats just for the hell of it. Violet made saucy comments from the water and Fame, Pearl and Trixie pretended to be judges holding up their scores. 

Once Katya finished up her routine, they all joined Violet and, like big kids, playfought, Pearl on Fame’s shoulders trying to push over Katya on Trixie’s. Katya and Trixie were victorious in the first round, Violet adjudicating and threatening to disqualify Fame if she told another chicken story. 

Laughter and screams filled the area, the older women gossiping in the shade as far away from the noise as possible. Katya spotted Kasha next to her roommate Tempest, pretending to bicker with Kennedy and Ginger in that put upon way women like them usually reserved for their husbands. They must all be missing their other halves, Katya thought. She wondered what that was like.

“You’re pretty ripped.” Violet commented, Fame agreeing and stating how impressive she was generally. Katya didn’t even twig Fame was talking about her and the high pitched voices heightened as the group fell over themselves to make it clear just how much they adored Katya already. 

If it was a ploy to make her feel better, then she wasn’t going to complain. She would take it in and listen, thinking of what Raja had told her. And, besides, who didn’t enjoy being showered in compliments? It seemed she was indeed a narcissist at heart.

Katya couldn’t help but notice, however, that Trixie was the least forward of them all. She vowed not to read too much into it, instead leaning into her against the pool wall, wrapping her arm around Trixie’s shoulders. Trixie’s hand entwined with hers, awkward in its placement but so damn right. She squeezed and gave Katya a private smile. 

Michelle’s Yin class was perhaps the most challenging for Katya so far during the retreat. Katya was used to holding poses for a long time, but they were often elevated positions such as Ardha Chandrasana, warrior three and revolved triangle, which took a lot of focus and engagement of her muscles to achieve. Michelle gave three levels of variation for almost every pose, encouraging strength through mental and physical stillness. Katya thought it just her luck that a lot of the class was based around opening the hip flexors. 

It was interesting to note how Trixie possessed a great deal of flexibility in her hips. They were wide and beautiful and Katya was enamoured by how womanly Trixie was in comparison to her own streamlined figure. In butterfly, her knees reached the ground effortlessly whereas Katya’s hovered half an inch or so above, unless she placed her palms down on top of them. This time, Katya didn’t berate herself for glancing at Trixie every now and then. She accepted when she did and recentred her attention to Michelle’s guidance and the steadiness of her own breath. 

Trixie and Katya walked out of class together. Trixie was slowly getting more and more satisfaction out of her practice and found that Michelle’s classes were way more suitable than Raja’s. Katya explained how she thinks it more difficult to stay in the same position for so long because her mind begins to sprint away from her. Trixie didn’t seem at all surprised to hear that. “You’re like a little hamster on one of those wheels. I wish I had your energy.” 

“I wish I had your hips, fuck. I feel like mine are going to grind into a powder after these two weeks.”

“I’ll use it all to set my face.” Trixie mimicked pressing powder to her T zone and under eyes, Katya cackling more as she went on.

“Dermablend wouldn’t be able to compete!”

The temperature that day was just as scorching as the previous. After meditation, Katya went for another dip in the pool with Trixie. Trixie wore a different swimsuit this time, hot pink with the Barbie logo across the chest in white. Katya dunked herself beneath the water every time she felt like she was staring too obviously. 

Getting ready for dinner was slightly more tolerable after their cool down swim. Katya asked Trixie to put some music on whilst they did their makeup, sitting on Katya’s bed with innumerate amounts of lipsticks and brushes between them. Katya wore an ugly yellow, blue and brown crocheted sleeveless dress. It was so short that if she bent over, her ass was on show. She therefore decided it was best not to wear a thong...

The only jewellery she could be bothered with was some eyeball earrings. Trixie had on another of her retro patterned sundresses, this time made up of a mixture of pinks, swirling prints covering up to her mid-thigh. Her bare legs were freshly shaved and moisturised. Katya could see how they glowed in the sunlight still streaming through the windows. 

“Thank you for putting me on that list, by the way. I was snooping and I’m not sorry about it. Made me smile.” Trixie said, affecting nonchalance as she pelted blusher onto the apples of her cheeks.

“Well, it’s true. I’m glad I met you.” Katya admitted. The sincerity of it should have unnerved her. She was calm, finishing blending her metallic blue eyeshadow into the darker purple covering her lids.

“We’re lucky to have each other here.” Trixie kept her head down, checking she’d gotten everything symmetrical. Katya took that moment to smirk to herself, let her heart swell a little before jokingly responding with an “urgh” sound, eliciting an extra long scream-laugh from Trixie. 

Katya went for her routine cigarette before dinner, wandering the now-familiar trail she took to the outskirts of the grounds’ perimeter. She smelled the air, clean and free from any pollution. A welcome change from Boston’s fumes. The flat plains stretched in front of her, parts of it appearing wavy, almost like it was melting as the heat still persisted, creating that age-old illusion. 

She didn’t realise she had company for a while, entrenched in her own thoughts, sorting through what had occurred earlier in the same way she would encourage her clients to. It was what she learned through the many, many years of therapy and support groups. She had to embody it and, in doing so, she hoped those she worked with would too. She chose her phrasing in her internal monologues carefully - how she spoke about herself was an essential determiner to her overall esteem. 

Then, there was crying; a contained whimper, clearly desperate to escape. Katya turned and saw Ginger facing away from her further up, closer to the hub of buildings. She was hunched over, her red hair immaculately styled but the black of her eye makeup ran sadly down one side of her face, all the way to her neck where it disappeared under the collar of her dress. 

Katya waited until she had finished her cigarette to approach Ginger. She stubbed it out with her red sole, picked it up and felt the remaining heat of it in her closed palm. She trod carefully. Ginger raised her head like she knew Katya was there all along. “Do you want to talk?” Katya broached. She hated when people asked if she was ok when she clearly wasn’t, and it usually resulted in people saying yes when they really meant no. ‘Are you ok?’ was loaded with expectation. Nobody needed that when they were sobbing. 

“I’m really missing my husband.” Ginger started, looking skywards to try and prevent more tears from spilling out. “I’ve had a hard life and he...he’s the only person who’s really— who’s ever truly cared for me.”

Katya took her hand and stroked her thumb over her knuckles soothingly. “How long have you been together?” She asked.

“Fifteen years. I don’t leave Florida much, I’m not used to being away from him.” Ginger sniffed. Katya listened attentively as Ginger retold the story of how they met.

“I’m finding being here a bit tricky too - a different routine, a whole load of new people, it throws you, right?” Katya smiled then, knowing what might help, “Can I trust you with a secret?” Ginger perked up. Katya reached into her bra and took out another cigarette and handed it, along with her lighter, to Ginger. “I have one every day. It’s too healthy here! I’m close to breaking free to ransack the nearest store for every sugary food possible.” 

“You know the nearest store is like four hours away?” Ginger retorted, coming back into herself.

“That’s how desperate I am!” 

Dinner passed in a flurry of pasta based dishes and chatter filled with innuendo. Katya made sure to catch up with Ginger and check she was alright. She was glad to see her full of life again, sparring words with Violet and Pearl over something Katya didn’t quite catch, too busy being enraptured by Trixie’s stories of her high school years and being crowned Prom Queen (out of a class of 32).

Katya made the brave but overdue decision to speak privately with Michelle once dessert had been devoured. Michelle sat at the head of the table, Raja to her left and Fame to her right. Katya informed Trixie of her intentions and asked her to wait around for her, if she didn’t mind. Trixie rolled her eyes and assured Katya she wouldn’t ditch her for a new model, as tempting as that was. They parted laughing, Katya slapping playfully at Trixie’s arm. 

Approaching Michelle was terrifying. Not because she was intimidated by Michelle, but because the others around her would witness her request. She felt naked as she lightly tapped Michelle’s shoulder, apologising for interrupting. Michelle arranged to meet her in the treatment room near reception where they checked in on the first day. “I’ll be ten minutes, doll. Get comfortable in there, whatever you need.” 

“Thank you.” Katya murmured. She risked a glance at Fame, who promptly kissed her cheek and complimented her eye makeup, showing no sign of judgement or curiosity. 

Katya wandered to the front building, adrenaline bubbling within her. She took deep breaths and found the wooden door leading to their meeting spot. It was dimly lit and smelled of incense. In the corner was a pile of richly coloured pillows, arranged invitingly to be sat or leant on. There was a selection of Ayurvedic ointments, oils and other accoutrements in a wooden cabinet. Statues of Ganesha were dotted on the top and on another shelf too, where an empty incense holder lay, fallen ashes in its plate. 

Katya settled on the pillows, arranging her dress so she didn’t inadvertently flash Michelle when she came in. She took off her heels, rubbed the balls of her feet and released the tension in her shoulders, easing them as far away from her ears as she could without straining. She tried rehearsing what she was going to say, like she often advised those with social anxiety to do, but ended up focusing on containing her breath instead. 

Michelle entered the room; her low voice greeted Katya as she joined her on the pillows, resting her lower back against a prominent bulge of purples and golds. “I’m really happy you wanted to see me. How was your day?” She asked, radiating an openness grounded in receptivity. 

“Like they say in Russia, так себе.” She started with her Russian accent and a contrived expression but soon deflated, allowing her vulnerability to show, “I kind of lost it a bit during Raja’s class. I couldn’t focus on my body and how I was stimulating it, and I’m not used to that anymore, so it really rattled me to the point where I was pushi— like, physically pushing myself to overcompensate.” Katya blurted before she could think twice.

“Was there a reason you were distracted? It’s not bad to experience that, by the way. It’s part of life as humans on this busy earth. Nothing to punish yourself over.” Michelle never broke eye contact, so sincere.

“I…” Katya took a grounding inhale. “I’ve developed a fascination for someone. Very quickly, very intensely - which is totally not my thing - and having that person there with me— a huge part of my recovery was sifting through the steaming pile of garbage that is my patterned thinking, y’know, if I feel a certain way is it because of this or that and is it because of what happened that one time or that other time and might it be a culmination of all those previous experiences now morphing into one long string of—?” She waved her hands in the air. “So now I’m picking apart this thing to make sure it’s pure not—not a means of coping or another avenue for my addictive personality to go down or something else.” She took another shaky breath. “I was thinking about her and not about me, and I’ve not done that in general for a very long time but I have never done that during my yoga practice and I didn’t know where to go from there.”

Katya half expected Michelle to be flabbergasted by her onslaught, half expected her to give her stern orders to just pull herself together in a motherly fashion, cruel to be kind. She didn’t expect her to smile as if she’d just been told she’d won the lottery. 

“Katya, listening to you makes me envious. You feel so deeply and your mind is so detailed and sharp. You don’t see it as working for you, you see it as working against you. Everything you’ve said just emphasises what an asset you possess, how carefully your brain functions to protect you.”

Michelle’s words hit her like a revelation. It took a while to process. “I’ve never thought about it like that before.” Katya uttered. “Usually my thought processes either overwhelm me or fucking tire me out.”

“It’s all about perspective, honey. You have strength which enables you to get into complex poses, you have flexibility which enables you to bend and twist, you have balance which enables you to hold yourself in ways others might not. You should start thinking about your mind the same way.”

Katya and Michelle didn’t talk for much longer, didn’t need to. It wasn’t as if Katya’s viewpoint had suddenly flipped, but Michelle did a damn good job of shedding light on something Katya hadn’t even contemplated. 

It had gotten dark by the time Katya stepped outside again. The night’s breeze cooled her off and blew away the heaviness she had been carrying. She heard the distant screeches of the others hanging out by the pool and so she went off in their direction, mainly in search of Trixie but seeking the presence of her new friends too. 

She hadn’t thought she would connect so well with her fellow yogis. Before starting the retreat, she had imagined a self-imposed isolated experience, an extension of the monomania she was used to indulging in, no time for anyone else when there was so much work to be done alone. Now, she understood what a stupid assumption that was to make. 

As she neared, she watched as Fame, Pearl, Violet and Trixie - all squashed together on a couple of loungers - rallied jest after jest between themselves. She smiled and pushed forward. 

“Oh, look what the cat dragged in.” Trixie spotted Katya first, her expression betraying her act of derision. 

“Meow.” Katya responded, making her hands into paws and mimicking cleaning behind her ear. She bounded over to where Trixie was reclining and somehow fit herself into the tiny gap between the arm of the chair and Trixie’s torso, trying her best not to encroach on Pearl’s personal space too. She suitably schooled her features when Trixie’s arm came to rest over the dip in her side. “What did I miss?” She asked.

“A thrilling discussion about Kennedy’s hairline and another fucking chicken story.” Pearl droned. 

“Hey! It was mainly makeup related.” Fame protested and the group burst out laughing at her indignation. “I paint their toenails sometimes.” She supplied. They lapsed into a comfortable silence for a while, then, gazing at the stars peeking at them from above. 

“So I have a question.” Katya interrupted the peace, playing with the hem of her so-called atrocious dress. “What’s been the hardest part of the retreat so far?” Trixie moved to properly hold Katya’s waist and the rest of the women hummed in thought, the mood turning more serious. Katya looked up at their introspective countenances, wondering who would brave answering first.

She startled when she heard Trixie’s voice piping up from behind her. “Being here, completely new to yoga, already struggling with not feeling good enough back home, and trying not to let totally sucking at this get to me too.” Katya turned her head so she could (kind of) see Trixie’s face. She was honest, brutally sometimes, and Katya admired that about her. She placed her hand on top of Trixie’s, an act of solidarity and tenderness.

“You don’t suck, Trixie. Not at yoga and certainly not with your music. Your songs are beautiful.” Katya assured her as best she could with other eyes upon her, voice gentle and intimate. Trixie beamed at her, at the compliment, and pinched the flesh above Katya’s hip.

“For me, it’s trying not to be in my head so much all the time.” Fame stated. 

“I can relate to that.” Violet added, and Pearl agreed. 

The five of them continued to discuss the ins and outs of their experiences well into the night, the darkness of the desert their vessel, the holder of their admissions. Katya thrummed with the amount of information she was receiving, taking in every pronouncement and learning as much as she could about the people she had come to feel a fondness for, now she had settled. She stayed close to Trixie, refusing to shift position even when it started to make her numb, unwilling to lose precious contact. 

She had no idea what time it was, she didn’t care, didn’t feel tired. She could have remained that way for years if it meant she had Trixie by her, squeezing her whenever she revealed something personal, laughing into the back of her head whenever she put on a weird voice or told a funny story. She was overcome with feeling yet it was gratifying, affirming. She was incredibly grateful to Michelle for injecting a glimmer of positivity into her. She could sense a difference already. 

Pearl, Violet and Fame eventually decided to go to bed, each kissing Trixie and Katya goodnight and ambling back to their rooms together, arms wrapped around each other. Trixie shifted back to lie down properly on the lounger now she had the chance. Katya paused, unsure of whether to join her or give her the space she hadn’t been granted for the past few hours. Trixie thankfully beckoned her towards her and Katya smiled as she leant back into Trixie’s open arms. 

Trixie’s right arm wrapped around Katya’s shoulders. She flicked Katya’s left eyeball earring with her free hand, a repetitive movement that should have been annoying but with Trixie it was solacing, a reminder that she was right there. 

“My sister Shannon would like it out here.” Katya said, barely audible for fear of disturbing the atmosphere, now so silent that every breath she took sounded amplified, every minute movement seemed exaggerated. “She’s younger than me but infinitely wiser, works hard as fuck, never takes a holiday. I might recommend it to her.” She mused.

“Do you have just the one sister?” Trixie asked, moving her hand to play with Katya’s hair, wrapping a frizzing curl around her index finger and unwinding it again. 

“Got an older brother too. Dan. Sensible motherfucker, just got married last month. And before you ask, no I didn’t catch the bouquet and no I didn’t get off with a bridesmaid.”

Katya felt Trixie smirk against her. “I am shocked and appalled.” Katya huffed a laugh and rested her head back on Trixie’s broad shoulder. “You seem to get on with your family. What’s that like?” 

The question half amused Katya, half saddened her. She told Trixie about her mom, how kooky she was; how she used purple shampoo every time she washed her hair so her cropped grey do always had a lavender tint to it; how constantly calm she was, how the only time she wasn’t was when Katya had done too much coke and called her in a blind panic, thinking she had only minutes left to live because her heart was racing too speedily to even feel.

She relayed how her dad was a karate master and let a lot of things slide when she was growing up, apart from laziness - he was the one to sign her up for gymnastics, who forced her to go when all she wanted to do was watch TV, but who was also the one to drive her to all her competitions at the weekends, cheer the loudest when she won a medal, treat her to a burger on the way back home. How he stoically never passed comment on her choices. 

She was lucky. She wanted Trixie to meet them. 

She wanted to fall asleep under the blanket of blinking stars, curled around Trixie, sharing breath. She wanted for the both of them to inhale into each other’s lungs and exhale like they were one unified being, like they were each other’s life force extension. Bound together but free of restraint.


	5. Pratyahara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS MY FAVOURITE CHAPTER SO I COULDN'T WAIT TO POST IT ASDFGHJKL. It's my reward for finishing writing chapter 7 and starting my final chapter ;) Drink every time I've said chapter. 
> 
> I hope y'all like this as much as I do. Enjoy and thank you for reading!

The next couple of days passed without much problem. Katya established a routine for herself and staunchly stuck to it to ensure she felt stable yet challenged. Her arms ached every morning and her legs sometimes shook from the difficulty of the poses she was trying, but she toed the line between pleasure and pain with expertise. She made sure to be extra attentive to adjustments and instructions, and went to see Michelle another time to feedback how her mindset was changing. Michelle gave her a long, tight hug and was pleased to see that her words had helped Katya realise more of her potential. 

Katya and Trixie were learning the precise details about each other that they might not have if they had met outside of the retreat. Katya couldn’t get enough, asked Trixie as many questions as she could until they fell asleep, one more time in the same bed, after their late night in the open air. Katya discovered how Trixie’s breath altered as she entered R.E.M., how her hair always managed to tangle at the nape of her neck, how she was somehow able to remain composed about her childhood trauma, believing that letting it consume her would mean letting her step father win. 

Katya began to loosen and have fun during her yoga classes, whilst maintaining her focus and not berating herself when it momentarily slipped. Her favourite parts of the day, however, were spent with Trixie: in the pool, dragging each other around as they floated; napping in the sunshine after a particularly late night and comparing their tans afterwards (Katya’s was coming along); messing around with Pearl, Fame and Violet and feeling like she had been accepted. 

She had also cultivated a friendship with Ginger. They would meet in the same place at the same time before their meal, smoke and talk shit. Ginger was evidently grateful for Katya’s companionship, joking that she was her new best friend. Katya couldn’t help but imagine Trixie’s reaction and almost wanted to devise a situation where such a conversation would arise. 

On their fifth day, Michelle informed them, “Tomorrow, you all have a choice of activities. Raja’s organised a hike at Joshua Tree National Park, which can be quite physically demanding, especially in the heat, but it’s a great chance to see some stunning scenery. If that’s not for you, I’m going to be doing a pamper day. We’ll be making our own face masks and lavender pouches and infusing some oils for massage.”

The group came alive with discussion about what they’d choose. Katya, Trixie and Violet had already decided to do the hike and it took little to convince Fame and Pearl to come along. That evening, they were given their itinerary and list of things to bring and wear. The five of them spent their time before dinner barging into each other’s rooms and fussing over backpacks, water bottles and sunglasses. 

The atmosphere at the dining table was vibrant, the excitement of a shake up of their usual timetable emanated amongst them. Dinner was extra colourful that day, a vast selection of curries, rice and naan, served with bhajis and samosas, and refreshing non-alcoholic cocktails. Katya must have grinned the whole time, sitting in between Trixie and Violet, the both of them clamouring for her attention. 

Later on, Pearl mentioned how she was missing the rush of DJing, this being her longest break from it since she got so in demand. 

“I wish you could play a set here. I’m all pumped up and wanna dance!” Violet exclaimed and the rest of them chimed in, expressing the same sentiment. 

“I have my portable speaker...” Pearl said, the embers of an idea starting to light. And so that was how Katya found herself leading them all to her secret smoking spot, drinks in hand and giggling like they were breaking curfew. 

Pearl connected her phone via bluetooth to the speaker and fiddled about on some sort of mixing app. Then a funky house beat dropped and the group of them cheered as if they had just cracked the enigma code. Pearl turned up the volume as loud as it would go and Katya decided to pull out her most outrageous moves, leaving Trixie with her head in her hands, laughing uncontrollably before pinching her nostrils, a habit Katya had only just picked up on and was endeared by immeasurably. 

They danced for ages, Katya jumping up and down and whipping her hair back and forth, silly skits amongst genuinely moving her body to the music, rotating her hips and trying not to make eye contact with Trixie as she did. Trixie danced with her arms more than anything else. Katya’s words got caught in her mouth as she watched her, her loose movements a subconscious balance between sensual and theatrical.

Violet looked sexier than ever and Katya made a show of fawning over her, grabbing her hips as she bent all the way forwards, spanking her with the same rhythm as the track blasting into the empty space surrounding them. They danced together, gyrating close, and Violet yelled, “Grandma’s got moves!” 

“Eat my entire ass!” Katya retorted.

“God, can we— please, finally!” Violet spluttered, in what Katya assumed was her version of japing. 

Before she had a chance to respond, Trixie sidled up to her, pulling her in towards her chest and resting her chin on the crown of her head. The heat from Trixie’s body passed to Katya’s in an instant and she was sure her already pink neck was flushing even more. The ultra-cropped, red sequined top she was wearing showed off her abs and had prevented her from overheating thus far. Now she felt a little exposed, sultry. The satin lining of her matching trousers was beginning to stick to her skin. 

Nonetheless, she was basking in the tomfoolery that had unfolded, Violet raising her eyebrows at Trixie and Trixie adjoining herself to Katya, a silent spar only broken by Fame’s screeching when Pearl played a particular song. Katya had no idea what the song was but liked the sound of it and spun around to face Trixie, wiggling her bony ass and throwing her arms in the air. 

It was late when they got back to their room, decidedly not a good idea when they had an early start for the hike the next day. Katya didn’t mind, however - she’d had a riot with the others and babbled on about Pearl’s mix as she took her makeup off, leaving the bathroom door open. Trixie was quiet, so Katya kept on talking, even as she cleaned her teeth, minty foam spilling down her chin. “Violet’s something else.” She remarked, unzipping her clothes and letting them hang loose on her body, rubbing at the places where the sequins had dug in. 

When she came back, Trixie barged past her in a huff and locked the door of the bathroom, more forcefully than necessary. It knocked Katya for six and she sat on the edge of her bed, dumbfounded. 

Nausea hit her like a tidal wave and panic started to set in almost as quick. She knew that if she didn’t take control of it right that second, she’d spiral. She took deep breaths and closed her eyes to stop her head from spinning. She hadn’t done anything wrong, she told herself, and she would speak to Trixie as soon as she came out to clear up whatever was bothering her. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She hadn’t done any— 

Had she? Had she brushed up against her too intimately? No, Trixie had been the one to position them. Had she offended her, comparing her arm movements to those of an inflatable tube man? No, Trixie had scream-laughed and hurled an insult right back at her in good humour. She must have done something. 

Waiting clawed at her. She tried not to fidget, fixing her outfit back up so she at least appeared decent for their imminent confrontation. God, she hated this. Everything had been going so well. She was used to messing things up but she hadn’t expected to do so, so soon with Trixie. Her hands shook as she arranged them on her lap, gripping onto the flesh of her thighs to keep herself from digging her nails into her palms. Time stood still. All she had was her breath, all she could do was fill her empty lungs. 

She must have looked wholeheartedly terrified. When Trixie returned, her frosty temperament momentarily slipped as she laid eyes on Katya, all the physical manifestations of her anxiety on undisguised display. In just her underwear and a strappy vest, Trixie trudged over to her suitcase and dumped her things inside, all the while keeping her back to Katya. Katya’s grasp tightened, her tongue heavy in her dry mouth. 

“You’re not going to sleep in that monstrosity are you?” Katya couldn’t tell if Trixie was trying to be scathing or if she was wanting to revert back to their usual teasing. When Katya didn’t reply, Trixie stood, turned around, sighed and crossed her arms. “Get changed.” She tried again. Ordered. 

That did something to Katya. She couldn’t gage whether it was an internal shift or if Trixie intended it, but Katya’s edginess was swiftly replaced by a different kind of tension. The kind that sent a shiver down her spine, that caused her to squeeze her legs together as a sudden arousal surged through her. Trixie’s gaze bore into hers and her heart raced.

Katya stood, mapping the intricate details of Trixie’s face, the involute patterns in her irises, the enlargement of her pupils. Trixie maintained her stance, chin raised slightly. 

Reaching around to slowly pull down the zipper at the back of her top, Katya tilted her head to the side, intensifying her stare assertively. Trixie watched her like a hawk. When the slider reached the bottom and the material divided, Katya brought her hands around to her front, loosely keeping her chest covered. Trixie’s mouth parted as she inhaled, lips plump from the application of her homemade sugar scrub. Katya took her arms out of the thick straps and paused. She was going to make Trixie pay for her little hissy fit, for worrying her like she had.

Trixie’s chest heaved, her nipples poking at the cotton of her vest. She positioned one leg in front of the other with her right foot on top of her left, her toes spreading. Her arms were still crossed but her posture had relaxed, now she was entranced by Katya’s tantalisation. 

“What was all that about?” Katya demanded before she moved any further, voice firm but hushed. 

Trixie huffed and looked away and wouldn’t give her a reply. Katya could see her refusal as an act, one to rile and frustrate until she got her own way, whatever that would entail. Katya found Trixie’s disagreeable traits to be very interesting - she could only make assumptions at their origins, and she didn’t think it fair to try and psychoanalyse her. Part of Trixie’s allure was finding out about her but the most enthralling part was observing how she disclosed a piece of her life story. 

Katya would have thought her childish for sulking if she didn’t pick up on the fact that she was playing with her. There was still some genuine pettiness within, but the bravado was ultimately for Katya’s benefit. 

Katya exhaled loudly and shrugged off her top, flinging it across the room. She coyly placed her hands on her hips. The slight tan of her skin emphasised her muscle definition. She looked hot. Trixie would be a fool not to think so too. Her breasts were small but pert, her nipples pink and hard. And sure enough, Trixie faltered, breath hitching as her hungry eyes devoured Katya in seconds. Her gaze roamed every inch of what Katya had uncovered, drinking her in like she was gasping and biting down on her lip to keep her from - what? Katya ached to know, to be enlightened. 

“Talk.” Katya instructed, taking control as was her preferred inclination. She played with the zip at her waist and Trixie all but whimpered. 

“Everyone fucking falls over themselves when they’re around you. Violet couldn’t be more obvious if she tried and sometimes it’s like you’ve no idea and sometimes it’s like you’re commanding it.” As she spoke, the act wore off and Trixie’s voice cracked from the vulnerability of her revelation. “I don’t know where I stand.”

Katya’s mouth fell open. Suddenly it made sense, how Trixie rushed to her when Violet was dancing for her; how her claiming touches said more than words. “I hope you’re not accusing me of being a slut. Feminism’s got us past that, mama.” She couldn’t pretend to be stern after Trixie’s confession. It filled her with hope and she felt a little smug too, she wouldn’t lie to herself. 

“Well you have got your tits out.” Trixie quipped and they both smiled. They’d bounced back just as quickly as they’d clashed. “Sorry for being a brat. I can get like that sometimes. And I’d have my tits out all the time if mine looked like that.”

“Apology accepted.” Katya grinned at her, relieved to have a resolution, her panic completely subsided. She took off her trousers, picked up her top and put them into her suitcase. Her red lace panties stood out against her complexion. She didn’t put anything else on. Trixie stood awkwardly, swaying from side to side and rubbing up and down her arms. Katya climbed on top of her bed, sanguine, the sheets soft against her back. “Come here.” 

She opened her arms and Trixie didn’t hesitate this time to clamber onto Katya’s bed, hovering on her knees so her face almost pressed against Katya’s, so her hands framed each side of Katya’s head. Her hair tumbled downwards, smelling of her coconut shampoo. Katya breathed the scent in, tried to memorise how it mixed together with Trixie’s perfume. Trixie wasn’t quite straddling her, both her knees placed next to Katya’s left hip so her ass stuck in the air. How she positioned her body was astonishingly seductive and Katya knew she wasn’t even trying. 

Katya wrapped her arms around Trixie, as tight as a vice in the hope that such action alone would dispel Trixie’s uncertainty about her feelings towards her. Her fingers scratched lightly at the hair at the nape of her neck. Trixie hummed, closing her eyes, setting her head at the perfect angle for Katya’s ministration. Katya took the plunge and decided there and then to disclose to Trixie one of the many sentiments she had been suppressing. “You have no idea what you do to me.”

At that, Trixie lowered herself on top of Katya, their bodies brought together. Katya could feel Trixie holding tension, keeping some of her weight on her elbows. “Stop that, you’re not going to break me. I want to feel you.” Trixie pressed her hips down in response and Katya gasped, the sensation of Trixie’s body wholly against her own intoxicating. 

Trixie’s nose nuzzled the tendons of Katya’s neck, her hair tickled her face, got caught in her mouth. Katya resented how their physical forms prevented them from melding, from seeping into each other to create a new existence. She couldn’t get close enough. She pressed her face into the side of Trixie’s head, her nose squashing from the force. She spread her legs and raised her knees to encircle Trixie’s back, crossing her ankles and rucking up Trixie’s vest in the process.

They remained silent, the conversation between them a power higher than words. Katya clawed at her, massaging her back and grabbing what she could. Trixie sighed into Katya’s ear, her hot breath sending shivers down her spine. 

Out of nowhere, Trixie flipped them so Katya was straddling her, braced on her hands. The abrupt motion surprised her and she huffed a laugh. “Is this your way of telling me you’re a pillow princess?”

“I’m a bossy bottom, for your information.” Trixie smirked as Katya moaned in response.

“You’re literally perfect.” Katya said, filled with glee, as she sat back on Trixie’s hips. She ran her hands through her curls, wild from their embrace, and ruffled her fringe. She tipped her head back to get it all off of her face, barely registering the whispered ‘fuck’ escaping from Trixie’s parted lips.

Trixie’s hands came to grip her sides, pulling at what little flesh was there. Katya watched her, letting her explore her body. All Katya wanted to do was worship Trixie, but she saw how Trixie was getting riled up, how her eyes darkened as she stared at her chest, and she wouldn’t be so cruel as to deprive her.

“Can I touch you here?” Trixie asked, trailing a finger up between her breasts, her nail lightly scratching her skin. Katya nodded, exhaling loudly when Trixie cupped each hand around her boobs, paler than the rest of her where her bikini had been. “You don’t even know how fucking hot you are, do you? You put on a show for everyone but you think you’re being silly and then you look at people like Violet and think they’re the pinnacle of sex. Well, it’s you. You’re the one everyone here soaks themselves over.”

Katya shook her head in disbelief, ducking her chin and smiling faux-demurely. “And you’re the one I’m letting feel me up, not Violet, not anyone else.” 

She loved how Trixie still held that fire within her, how she had a stroppy, possessive disposition. It inflated her ego but also reassured her that Trixie must have strong feelings towards her in order to be acting this way. Katya needed that. Having to keep on guessing would wear her out in the end. 

Trixie squeezed Katya’s breasts, intermittently grazing her fingers down Katya’s torso, gliding over her visible obliques. Katya’s eyes rolled back and a fierce arousal bloomed inside her, stronger than she had experienced in a very long time. She couldn’t quite believe Trixie was touching her like this, as if her prayers had been answered. 

Trixie came to rest her hands back where they’d started, her thumbs rubbed over Katya’s protruding hip bones. “You’re gonna hate me for being a tease but I think we should try and get some sleep.” She stretched under Katya, bucking her hips up with the motion and arching her back.

“You’re right...I do hate you now.” They smiled at each other, understanding shared, and Katya raised herself off of Trixie, coming to lie down next to her instead. They turned so they were facing. Katya couldn’t stop grinning, wide so her vividly white teeth were showing. She intoned in the creepiest voice she could muster after being handled so assiduously, so briefly, “You know I won’t sleep until you make out with me.” 

Trixie rolled her eyes in response, shuffled in closer and for a moment Katya thought she was actually going to do it. She clenched her muscles, unprepared but piqued nonetheless. Then Trixie ever so gently placed her hand on Katya’s burning cheek, caressed her under eye with her thumb and tucked her hair behind her ear. Their mouths were inches apart and Katya ached to close the gap but didn’t want to disrespect Trixie’s suggestion to slow down. It was the most sensible option. She was prone to diving head first into something only to abandon it just as fast. She didn’t want that with Trixie. She would let her set the pace. 

Trixie leaned in and pressed the most tender of kisses to Katya’s forehead. “Good night, gorgeous.” She whispered, pulling back slightly but keeping her arm draped over Katya, her hand pressed comfortingly to the middle of her back. 

-

Katya couldn’t get to sleep. She tried, if only because she didn’t want to disturb Trixie - she wasn’t used to sharing a bed overnight as often as she and Trixie had, and, as much as she adored being able to observe Trixie and be close to her, she was starting to get antsy. She craved a smoke, could feel her mind rare up, ready to bolt. She was still buzzing with unexpended energy and Trixie’s cuddling couldn’t contain it. 

She eased herself out of bed as slowly and stealthily as possible. Creeping over to her bag, she retrieved her lighter and her pack of cigarettes. She pulled on a sports bra and crept out the door, tiptoeing almost comically for fear of waking anyone out into the open air. Katya took a cigarette out of the packet, stuck it in her mouth and lit it in less than no time, inhaled as deep as she had been doing when chanting Om to open and close her yoga practice. 

The sound of the universe and the soundlessness of her night time foray were brought together in Katya’s mind, the fiery end of her cigarette the marker of that boundary. Memory and the nature of being present could so often become confused, Katya’s life a synthesisation of what was real, what wasn’t and what balanced precariously in between. She had to cling onto something to keep her buoyed. 

She thought about Om, the emitter of vibration, of breath and life overall, how all religious or spiritual practices had similar concepts but none so onomatopoeic. Music, like Om, ran through everything - everything could voice, hum or call out, mapped, though perhaps not predetermined, by nature’s capability to compose. The drum skin slap of waves against the shoreline, the staccato of individual realities, both too few of the almost too many components adding up to earth’s soundtrack, orchestral in their symbiosis, rebellious in how they breached roles now and again.

She paced back and forth, onto her second cigarette before she could even notice. The smell of it caught in her hair, no wind to diffuse it, twirling around her curls like the remembrance of flirtatious fingers. Katya played with a loose blonde ringlet, picturing the double helix, the prevalent pattern of the world’s genetic makeup. She brooded over how it was acknowledged that the Fibonacci sequence, and thus the golden ratio, was found at the core of all structures, internal and external, but that the helix remained in the body, didn’t imbue other systems. 

Three, four, five butts piled up. She held her sixth cigarette but didn’t light it. Katya tried to keep her strides of unequal length, stepping further out with her right than her left so she could monitor the irregularity. Trixie found her like this, eyes tempestuous with concern, hair in disarray, barefoot on the cooling flagstone and looking as beautiful as ever. 

“Thank god, I turned over and you weren’t there and I thought you’d…” Trixie looked down, out of breath from rushing around, embarrassment colouring her cheeks. 

Her arrival had literally stopped Katya in her tracks. She didn’t know whether to be offended or flattered by such a presumption. “I couldn’t sleep, needed a smoke and— hey, have you ever thought about how if you cross each junction of the chakras then it spirals like a double helix, so when western medicine turns its nose up at these kinds of so-called ‘alternative’ beliefs then it's really just kicking itself in the teeth because the caduceus matches up completely to such an intrinsic part of those beliefs and surely that indicates that medicine as we largely accept it today is deeply linked to more spiritually based concepts?” 

Trixie had to sit down at that, ass on the dusty floor, gazing up at Katya, the moonlight giving her a shining silver halo. “Funnily enough, I haven’t. I’m glad the world has been blessed with you, Einstein, to figure all this out. We’d be lost otherwise.” Her unfiltered sarcasm sent Katya wheezing, got her out of her tailspin. 

Katya flicked her lighter, brought the flame to her final cigarette and took a long, deep drag. With a smirk, she offered it to Trixie, knowing full well she wouldn’t take it. “I’m never kissing you if you have smoker’s breath.” Trixie warned, impish nonetheless. “Are you sure you’re alright? I hope I didn’t freak you out earlier. This is the most you’ve smoked since you got here.” 

Katya kept moving, jauntily pirouetting then flinging her leg out behind her whilst bending forwards so she almost came into standing splits. She explained to Trixie what she could be like, her concentration mainly focussed on her actions to detract from the shame she felt at admitting she hadn’t really ever shared a bed with someone for more than one night. “It wasn’t a part of my dating ritual before. I’d hook up, she’d either stay until the T started running or get an Uber once we’d done. I’d fall asleep straight away or need time alone to decompress.” Katya didn’t look at Trixie and came into a handstand, cigarette discarded, to try and prevent herself from reeling into a frenzy, thinking she had ruined everything. 

“If what we’re starting - whatever this is or is turning into - isn’t right for you, then say so. I don’t want to mess you up.”

“The only person who messes me up is me.” Katya stated plainly, upside down and turning an alarming shade of red in the face, gravity having its way with her circulatory system. She bent her legs so that her right foot almost came to touch her head. 

“Kat—” 

“I don’t want to mess you around either. I’m unpredictable.”

Trixie sighed. “Is this a bad idea?”

“It doesn’t feel like it to me.” Katya revealed, coming out of her position slowly so she didn’t get dizzy, so she could delay facing Trixie and seeing the effect of her lousy admissions on her. 

Trixie stood up and came immediately to her, smiling crookedly and holding out her hand so Katya could link it with her own. “We’ll figure it out. And hopefully I can show you that I can be kind of a nice, understanding, patient person, sometimes...maybe.” 

“Well that sounds dull.” Katya remarked with a shit-eating grin, eliciting a scream-laugh from Trixie, which in turn cracked her up too. 

They quietened, gazing at the moon, big and bright in the onyx sky. Katya gripped onto Trixie, reassured by her will to give things a go. 

She knew Trixie was a relationship-orientated person from stories she told here and there about her past. Katya didn’t know what Trixie expected with her, whether their relations were doomed to failure or if they were just enjoying the moment for what it was. The uncertainty bothered her like any unknown did, but she pleaded with her own mind to allow her to immerse herself in whatever was handed her way. It wasn’t every day that she attracted the undivided attention of a gobsmackingly hot country Barbie lookalike. She wouldn’t waste such a priceless opportunity.

She shooed Trixie off to bed after that, promising she’d come join her in a little while once she’d got what she needed to out of her system. And she kept her word, creeping under the sheets an indefinite amount of time later, mind calmer and eyes heavy with the need to sleep. Trixie was in her own bed and Katya’s heart broke a little as she thought of Trixie thinking that she might not want her near. 

Katya edged towards her, carefully placed an arm around her and snuffled into her hair, immersing herself in Trixie’s essence. She liked being the big spoon with Trixie as it was the only time Trixie appeared small. Katya’s petite stature wasn’t something she overly loved about herself. She often wondered what it would be like to be six foot and domineering in appearance instead of just in the bedroom. Spooning Trixie gave her a taste of that feeling, like she was a protector, strong enough in herself to serve someone else. She’d never experienced that before. She thought it might be something to aspire to.

Trixie didn’t stir. Katya ran her hands through her hair, combing the ends and arranging them this way and that until she was satisfied. Then, she hovered her hand over Trixie’s bare arm and observed the peachy hairs laying dormant, trying her best to get as close to them as possible without touching her skin. Katya slipped into unconsciousness, pressed up to Trixie’s body, unsure of what might come next but content with her instincts, the emotions she held specially for her new, terrifying but undeniably sincere.

-

The alarm of Trixie’s phone was a rude awakening. 7am hadn’t been so brutal since Katya worked retail by day and performed at Jacques’ Cabaret at night. Trixie turned over to switch it off and Katya groaned, blinking open her eyes, the sight of Trixie allaying her displeasure. 

They had an hour until their coach arrived to take the group to Skull Rock and Jumbo Rocks before heading on to Keys View. Trixie lay back on her pillow and fiddled about on her phone whilst Katya came round, stretching and wiggling her toes. The excitement of what had happened the night before ignited within her, giving her the energy she needed. She grinned maniacally, turning to Trixie, taking her phone out of her hand, putting it aside and pouncing on her, hugging her, steadfast and impassioned. 

“Good morning to you too.” Trixie tittered, caught off guard.

Katya sat back on her heels but pulled Trixie up to follow her, fist bunching the front of her vest. “You are a fucking vision in your sleep and you’re even more beautiful when you’re awake. How is that even allowed?” 

“Yeah, I am everybody’s dream girl, thank you for noticing. And you’re like a rotting corpse experiencing the sweet release of death. You said you talked in your sleep! I’ve been expecting a monologue on toads and their pet tarantulas or something and you’ve given me nothing. You promised me a show, bitch!” Trixie exclaimed.

“You must be completely wearing me out.” Katya wriggled her eyebrows and leered exaggeratedly. 

“Doesn’t take much when you’re a hundred and two.”

Once they’d washed, donned shorts, crop tops and trainers, and grabbed a quick breakfast, they met Violet, Fame and Pearl at reception. Miraculously, they were all on time. April and Max, who Katya hadn’t really interacted with before then, turned up too. Raja greeted them a far too cheery good morning and led them to the coach. Trixie took Katya’s hand in her own, massaging it lightly with her thumb. Katya awarded herself a private smile and followed Trixie’s lead. 

The journey wasn’t as long as Katya expected but being next to Trixie encouraged her to soak up every moment, to share what she hoped was a witty comment at things in passing and lean into her without reservation. She was tactile, liked the sensation of consistent human contact anyway but her pleasure increased tenfold with Trixie. 

The two of them were sat across the aisle from Pearl and Fame, Violet and Max in front of them and Raja behind the driver, giving instructions and reminding him about their itinerary. Soon enough, the rowdiness began and conversation flowed amongst the group. Katya joined in, giving as good as she could get, laughing more like Trixie than her usual wheeze and keeping a hold of her throughout.

As they pulled up at Skull Rock, Katya kissed her. In a moment of bravery, she placed her lips against Trixie’s soft cheek, closing her eyes like the embodiment of a true romantic, the rush of adoration propelling her forward. The sight before her, the curvatures of a natural phenomenon, erupted her wonder, her love for the earth and its marvels. Trixie was her most important marvel right then, there, wearing her pink bandana which was already damp with sweat and her sunglasses that reflected the light as if she emitted it herself. 

“I don’t know what’s worse - your dry lips, your smoker’s breath or the fact that you must secretly be a lizard because your skin is so dry.” Trixie mocked affectionately. Katya understood by now that if Trixie made a sarcastic comment in a tender moment, it was because she was overcome and could only revert to humour to keep her level. 

“I once burnt a lizard.” Katya commented, so nonchalantly that Trixie completely lost her shit. True romantic indeed…

Stepping out, the heat was overpowering. It had been hot back at Ru’s Farm but now they were even further in to the desert. It was well over a hundred already. “Fuck me!” Violet yelled. 

“Told you this bitch was desperate.” Quipped Fame, running off before Violet could fling water from her Swell bottle at her. 

Pearl hung at the back of the group, behind Katya and Trixie, fiddling with a film camera she had brought along but had no idea how to use.

“As much as I’m enjoying watching you wrestle with that, I’m happy to sort it out for you. I know a thing or two about Olympus’s.” Katya offered. Pearl thanked her, cursed the ‘stupid thing’ and mentioned how she thought it would be nice to commemorate their excursion. Katya agreed and loaded the 35mm film into the OM10, her thoughts flicking back to the night before when she was absorbed by the concept of Om. Everything was connected, even when it wasn’t meant to be. 

She handed the camera back to Pearl and they began coming up with funny photo ideas they could do as a group. “I want in on this.” Violet demanded. Katya knew she’d be photogenic, easy to shoot. Almost as much as Fame, who was perhaps the most photogenic person she’d ever met. Her high cheekbones, dainty chin and slender flat chested figure would leave runway models green eyed with jealousy. She should be in all the fashion magazines, thought Katya. She wondered how her beauty translated on video. Exceptionally well, she assumed. 

Compared to the others, she felt like an aged hag. 

Trixie was by her side in an instant. “What’s wrong?”

Katya shook her head and put on a smile, so big that it became genuine. “Nothing, just thinking about how beautiful everyone - everything - is.”

“Are you trying to make me jealous again?” Trixie joked, coming to wrap her arm around Katya’s sweaty waist as they all congregated before the small brown sign pointing the way to the rock itself. Dried bushes spotted the desert sand, their appearance almost grey, presenting as intricate and streaked as veins and arteries. Countless other rock formations crowded before them; round, undulating giants, too obscure to surely be natural yet too awe inspiring to be anything but. 

“Last time was pretty successful…” 

Raja explained what caused the rock to become the shape it was in the present day, how long it had been there and how long the erosion process had taken so far. He then led everyone to the rock itself, through tiny crevices in between towering, caramel coloured stone faces. Pearl wrangled the camera to take a picture and the rest snapped some shots on their iPhones. Trixie jibed, saying how it looked like Katya before she put her makeup on in the morning. Katya scream-laughed, whipping her head to the side from the sheer force of it. 

They had twenty minutes to explore Skull Rock. Katya positioned them for a group photo in front of it, so the ‘eyes’ were peering out above them. She took the camera and knelt, bony knee pressing into the sand, bringing Pearl’s camera to her face so she could get used to the small viewfinder. It had been a long time since she had regularly used a film camera and she tried not to think of her college days, the first mental breakdown she had. 

“Get in this, whore!” Violet yelled. Katya peered over the lens to see the group all beckoning for her to join them. She bit her lip, nodded and asked Raja to do the honours instead, showing him how to shoot. Jogging to stand next to Trixie and Fame, Katya beamed, no need to exaggerate it for the photo. Trixie instantly pulled Katya close to her, Fame coming to delicately place herself nearer so there were no gaps. Violet was by her too, Pearl in front of her, crouching.

“Ready!” Raja called, “Three, two, one!” 

The click of the camera echoed amongst the vast expanse of land around them. They were the only group there, a couple of lone explorers dotted here and there amongst the boulders and the bracken. Katya felt amplified in every way, felt minuscule and meaningless, as well, which was freeing. She grabbed as much of Trixie as she could and connected the other side of her body with Fame’s, sensation of touch intertwining with the incredible sight presented to her, behind her, within her swelling heart.

For their next photo, they got into silly poses, Katya bending over, sticking her ass out and pointing one leg in front of the other. She pressed the flat of her tongue against her open mouth so it wasn’t quite sticking out but gave her a sexy-but-totally-gormless look. Trixie came up behind her, one hand wrapping around her hip, one in the air, so they were in a “buttfuck position”, as she so classily put it. Violet and Pearl were pretending to strangle each other whilst Fame tried to show a shocked expression but ended up appearing like a pin up girl, mouth parted invitingly, long lashes reaching up to her carefully arched eyebrows.

“Ok, individual ones now please. I need some for my Instagram too.” Fame commanded. She was supposedly on a ‘hiatus’ for the duration of the two weeks but wanted ‘content’ for when she returned. 

Katya and Trixie stepped to the side and watched as Fame instructed Violet to take the shots she had in mind. Katya was entranced by how Fame manipulated her body, her arms always in the most flattering position. She leant against the rock, moulding to its curves and edges, becoming loose yet controlled, her movements fluid like water. She made wearing a black strappy bodysuit tucked into tight red shorts seem like the most fashion forward of outfit choices. 

Trixie nosed into Katya’s hair, taking advantage of the free moment they had whilst the others were distracted. “How old actually are you? I’ve never asked.” 

Katya almost jerked back at the question but she knew better than to think Trixie was being genuinely rude. “Thirty six.”

“God, that’s hot.” Trixie’s delivery was so flat that Katya began to doubt herself. “I mean it,” Her mouth was close to Katya’s ear now, as if she were sharing a dirty secret, “Your spirit is more youthful than anyone’s here but there’s just something so sexy about an older woman. There are seven years between us. I only dare to think what you’ve gotten up to in that time.”

Katya bowed her head, a flush creeping up her neck. “What are you imagining?”

“The hundreds of women you’ve probably had, swooning at your feet and begging you to fuck them. The trail of broken hearts you’ve left behind wherever you go. Am I wrong?” Katya could feel Trixie’s lips upturn in a smirk. She didn’t dare to look at her.

“Not entirely…” 

Before their conversation could get into filthier territory, Katya was called up by Fame, who had finally finished, Pearl rolling her eyes as she strutted towards Trixie. Katya did a mixture of stupid and serious poses and thoroughly entertained the others in the process. Once Trixie and Pearl had done theirs, Raja called the group back together so they could keep to his schedule and move onto their next destination. 

It was roughly a twenty five minute walk to Jumbo Rocks, which would have been no problem in temperate weather. As they set off along the boulevard, the group ensured they drank enough water, Max in charge of informing the others every five minutes to get their Swell bottles out (if they hadn’t already). Chatter emanated into the wilderness of their surroundings, the formations receptive to their inane banter, to Trixie and Katya’s asides to each other, and everything in between.

Trixie talked non-stop for their whole journey time. She told Katya about how she used to have a pet bird, aptly called Birdie, and how she had been a vegetarian since she was nine years old after watching Charlotte’s Web, which had utterly scarred her. There was also an element of wanting to be different, apparently, and Katya couldn’t help but laugh, amused by Trixie stating the obvious. 

Trixie described her mom - an airhead wild child who never quite learned how to properly settle down or tidy up after herself or look after a family in general - and how Trixie was ultimately an accident in her late teens. “I was and luckily am still loved, I can feel it and she tells me every now and then but we had a difficult relationship for a while, especially when I was emancipated and in the fallout after that. It was hard for me not to constantly think ‘you always chose him over me’. Distance did us the world of good. Whenever I get pissy about my life decisions, I remind myself that it could be a million times worse - I could still be stuck back home.”

Jumbo Rocks weren’t dissimilar to Skull Rock, but there was a campsite with picnic benches and a lot more people setting out for the day or sorting out their campervans and tents. Raja took them on a circular route, let them stop for pictures whenever they requested and generally intermingled with the group well. So it didn’t seem like he was their guide, more like the friend who happened to also facilitate a once in a lifetime experience. 

Katya could appreciate how valuable their outing was. She wouldn’t be seeing the natural world in a form similar to this ever again, most likely. She lapped up as much as she could. She felt healthy and alive and she could breathe easy, and she smiled and smiled and smiled. 

They stumbled back onto the coach to get to Keys View, another twenty five minute journey. Katya made a show of praising the air con, bringing her hands to prayer position and shaking them towards the vents. She was soaked with sweat. Nevertheless, Trixie didn’t hesitate to sit next to her, to hold her hand and wipe the droplets making their zig-zag way down her face. 

The group reached the viewpoint, the sun high in the sky, white, almost, from its sheer brightness. The Coachella Valley lay before them, as did the San Andreas Fault. For the first time that day, everyone was silent, stunned by the scenery or from taking the time to connect to the earth, the sight of the hilly peaks of the horizon wondrous and yet somehow simple, too. The absence of architecture and the expanse of barren land brought to Katya a sense of modesty, a lack of complication and human involvement. She squeezed Trixie’s hand as they gazed outwards, together, peace between them, inside them, sweeping itself over the ridges and mountains and dusty plains. 

She was happy. And being with Trixie was transcendental. She didn’t know what would happen, but she knew, in that euphoric moment, standing on the edge of an infamous desert peak, that it would change her forevermore. Katya faced the vista and faced herself. Whatever the outcome, she was prepared for growth.


	6. Dharana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning to everyone - there's some discussion about a past sexual assault and the resulting effects of it in this chapter. I based that part of this chapter off of that live Brian did a couple of years ago about his experience with toxic masculinity and sexual violence. I remember watching it and thinking how important and good of him it was to share and how it would no doubt help others who had dealt with something similar, or at least bring more awareness to the issue within the LGBT community. So...that was my reasoning behind including this certain aspect within my story. 
> 
> Ok, now that's been said: thank you to everyone who has commented and given kudos so far. Much appreciated. I'm still writing the final chapter and tbh as much as I want to finish it, I don't want it to be the end! 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

Later that night, after a thorough shower and a nap with Trixie in her bed, Katya met Ginger for their cigarette. “How was your day?” Katya asked.

“Lovely, actually, I made a lavender sleep mask for my husband. He struggles to catch it a lot of the time so I’m hoping this helps. There’s only so many times you can chloroform your spouse before they start to get suspicious.” Ginger had gotten over her initial wobble and had established herself as part of the “old” group of women there. Katya had received a formal invitation to join their ranks if ever “the young, aryan-looking bitches” ever got too inane. “How was the hike?”

“Beautiful.” Katya answered somberly, internally recalling how Trixie’s firm grip on her anchored her further to the experience they were sharing together, grounded her in a way she wasn’t familiar with, like she could get used to it.

“What’s that smile about?” Ginger raised her eyebrows, knowingly. 

Katya didn’t let up, waved off Ginger’s enquiry by asking her another question. It played on her mind, however, throughout their conversation, how evident it must be to the others that she was falling deep and fast. She saw herself in one very particular way, often negatively, though she had been improving in that regard a lot throughout her most recent recovery. How others perceived her, she was learning, was vastly different. Furthermore, the transition from thinking solely about herself and her characteristics to considering someone else and all their range of flaws and charms was a fresh practice, but one she was coming to accept.

At dinner, the two groups recombined, sharing stories from their separate days and ingesting their food as if it were going out of style. Even Katya enjoyed her meal, a testament to both the chefs and the need her body must have had to refuel. Trixie managed to talk a mile a minute and Katya was happy to sit quietly and listen to her entertain. 

Fame was sat next to her too, equally as pensive. As chai was being served, she nudged Katya tentatively and Katya smiled, giving her the attention she probably hadn’t gotten the rest of the time, Trixie dominating her focus. 

“So what’s going on then, with you and Trixie?” Fame spoke in such a low volume that Katya almost didn’t hear her. The question didn’t come as a surprise but it nonetheless made her heart race and her palms sweat more than usual (which was saying something). 

“I adore her. She’s my favourite person.” Katya didn’t see the point in lying. She could trust Fame with her admissions, as she had quickly learnt, and she couldn’t stand not being truthful. Honesty was a vital trait she valued in herself and others, especially in Trixie. 

“And you can’t keep your hands off each other.” Fame supplied. 

Smirking, Katya shrugged. “What can I say, I’d be groping her huge, perfect ass right here right now if I could.” 

“Good to know.” Fame laughed. “Have you two…?”

“No, shockingly. I usually— not yet.” Katya dabbed at her brow with her napkin. “I haven’t had sex in a while and before that I usually just had one night stands but I don’t think Trixie deserves so little from me. I need to establish how I’m going to treat her with the utmost respect before I make a huge mistake, overthinking or underthinking.”

“It needs to be just right.” Fame concluded, pleased she could deliver a little punchline, Katya huffing a laugh. 

“Exactly. I sound like such a dyke - but I am, and I care about her so much.”

Fame nodded. “We as addicts also find it hard not to think of whatever we do as wrong, or like we’re doomed to failure, or that we’ll mess everything up and hurt the people we care about. Make sure you don’t let those thoughts prevent you from maybe having something amazing.”

“Easier said than done though isn’t it?” It was a rhetorical question as the both of them fully understood.

That night, everyone retired to their rooms early. Katya wasn’t overly tired but she appreciated the chance to relax with Trixie and hopefully get a good night’s sleep before throwing herself back into her newfound routine. She and Trixie held hands as they sauntered towards their building, silence between them except from the clacking of their heels on the stone pathway. 

Trixie opened the door for them and Katya entered first, confounded to come across a big bunch of flowers laid out on her bed. The yellows and oranges and pinks of their petals contrasted her white sheets and the smell they gave off was summery and sweet. 

“How did you—?” Katya began to ask, losing her voice to the surprise overcoming her. 

Trixie came up behind her, wrapping her arms around her stomach and resting her chin on her shoulder. “When you went out for a smoke. I stole them from the vase in the reception area. It’s the thought that counts, right?”

Katya laughed. “It is. Thank you.” She tilted her head to the side to lean her cheek against Trixie’s. She would have blissfully closed her eyes were she not transfixed on Trixie’s gift to her. “No one’s ever got me flowers before.” 

“Seriously?” Trixie enquired, no judgement in her tone, just pure interest. When Katya nodded, Trixie brought Katya into her even closer, so Katya could sense the smugness emitting from her expression and tight embrace. 

“Aren’t you put off by all this? My addictions and inexperience and general manifestations of mental illness?” Katya couldn’t help let slip. She pushed the worry down and focussed on the curiosity of their situation, on how unique Trixie was to seemingly accept everything about her whilst still maintaining her own sense of self. 

“I don’t know. I won’t sugar coat it and say those things don’t concern me. That comes more from a place of, like, I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I want you to be safe and happy and if I’m a part of all that then that’s an added bonus. And if not then I can appreciate your tits and joke about fucking you when you’re in down dog and it doesn’t need to go further than that.” 

Katya came to stand in front of Trixie and slung her arms around her neck. They faced each other and faced their predicaments and Katya smiled wider than she ever had, surely, because maybe this was what it felt like to truly fall for someone, and it was nuts because she had lived for thirty six years without a real hint of romantic attachment and all it took was a few days in secluded paradise for everything to shift. 

“Can I kiss you?” Katya asked for it was all she could do, to show Trixie how much she valued her understanding, how much she wanted her in that moment and perhaps even in many more to come.

Trixie didn’t reply, instead brushed her nose against Katya’s, before moving in to graze the smile line engraved on Katya’s cheek. Her breath caressed the little hairs above Katya’s top lip and it was too much to look directly into Trixie’s eyes, so she followed the lift of her lashes. 

Katya was the first to close the minuscule gap. She inhaled and pressed her lips against Trixie’s, as soft as she imagined, plush and plump and inviting her to spend as much time as she could lavishing them with meticulous attention. She was gentle at first, scared that her true force would scare Trixie away, wouldn’t demonstrate the tenderness she felt alongside the burning desire. She was careful, so much so that she didn’t realise she was shaking until Trixie pulled away to soothe her, to cradle her face in her large hands and rub her thumbs under her eyes. “Shh...shh.” 

Katya wrapped her arms tighter so that she could grip onto her own triceps, so that she could reassure Trixie that she was more than alright, that she was so fucking empassioned her body couldn’t quite react appropriately just yet. She smiled into their next kiss, moaning softly at the back of her throat and taking in Trixie’s exhalations. Trixie was warm and Katya ached to please her, to make her feel as wonderful as she made her.

Trixie’s tongue swiped at Katya’s lower lip and her mouth parted, letting her in, meeting her equally with hunger, less restrained as her faculties weakened and her senses honed in on Trixie sucking at her bottom lip. “Fuck.” Katya breathed and Trixie smirked against her, giving her a chance to recover. 

Katya licked into Trixie’s mouth again, flicked her tongue against her crooked teeth and moved her hands down her neck to her breasts, rubbing at them with increasing vigour. She tried fervently to take a firm grasp of them and Trixie huffed a laugh at her as they spilled out of her grip, quipping, “Your little rat hands have no chance.” 

In response, Katya brought her palm to the centre of Trixie’s chest and pushed, directing her to Trixie’s bed, the one free from a bountiful bouquet. She kissed her again and again until she felt the backs of Trixie’s knees bump against the mattress, the two of them so entwined that Katya could imagine every nerve ending in Trixie’s body. She pulled away to observe Trixie, cheeks blushed, makeup blurred, lipstick smeared. “Fucking beautiful.” Katya thought aloud. Trixie smiled so serenely, in such stark contrast to how the rest of her was the epitome of debauchery, that it took every ounce of energy for Katya to prevent herself from falling at her feet. 

Instead, she bent down and undid the straps of Trixie’s heels, tapping her ankle when she needed to step out of them. When Katya stood again, they were roughly the same height and she beamed at how it felt, deciding to keep her own shoes on for the meantime. 

“You like that, don’t you?” Trixie stated.

“Like what?” Katya asked coyly, feigning innocence.

“Feeling like you’re in control, like you’re bigger than you are so you can assert a dominance that you might not have otherwise, ‘cause you’re actually tiny.” She was purposefully mocking her and Katya fucking loved it. 

“Keep talking.” She ordered, starting to kiss Trixie behind her ear, lightly biting her lobe.

“You want me to gush about you, hmm? Want me to tell you how much I want you and how as soon as I got on that coach to come here and sat next to you I knew I would go crazy over you? How hot you are even when you’re gross and sweaty and red in the face from too many handstands...” Trixie became more and more breathless as Katya kissed her neck, pressing her tongue deep into her skin, along her pulse point. Her eyes were screwed shut like she was struggling to concentrate to formulate her sentences. “What I really want to tell you...is that I can’t wait to lick your pussy...so slowly...until you can’t take it any longer, until you cry.” 

Katya moaned without caution. She pushed Trixie down to sit on the edge of the bed and came to stand in between her spread legs. She nudged them apart a little further as Trixie ran her hands up the back of her thighs, under her dress, torturously slow, until she reached her ass. Then, she grabbed and squeezed with enough force for Katya to teeter off balance. 

“You’re…” Katya started but bit her lip, her train of thought cutting out when Trixie played with the edge of her underwear, fingers coming underneath and grazing her bare cheek. 

“I’m?” Trixie teased, lightly scratching Katya’s skin.

“You’re changing everything I thought I knew.” Katya admitted, eyes closed and head tilted skywards like she was receiving a blessing from heaven. She didn’t catch Trixie’s response, didn’t even know if she replied at all, headspace taken up by Trixie’s ministrations, her nails trailing up and down until she began to bring her hands around to the front of Katya’s legs, just above her knees. That snapped Katya’s attention back. Trixie was getting closer and closer to touching her between her legs and Katya couldn’t let her until she had devoured Trixie herself. 

Stepping back, she instructed Trixie to close her legs, lean back on her hands and pay close attention. Katya kicked off her heels and unzipped her dress, stepping out of it and leaving it in a puddle of gaudy material on the floor. Her boobs were pushed together by her padded bra, black and plain at the front but with intricate strapping at the back, making a complicated pattern across her jutted shoulder blades. She wore another of her favourite high waisted black underwear, this time with an impractical amount of sequins and beaded detailing.

Trixie’s stare followed Katya’s every movement, engrossed by every inch of her being uncovered. Her chest heaved with laboured breaths and Katya adored how she obeyed her, how patient yet eager she was. Katya stepped to the outer sides of Trixie’s legs, this time lowering to straddle her, enjoying being able to look down at her and study every effect she had. She shifted forwards so her pelvis pressed down on Trixie and traced her index finger from Trixie’s brow, down her nose, to her lips. She pulled on her bottom lip gently and Trixie’s tongue darted out to make contact.

Katya replaced her finger with her lips, surging at Trixie, unrelenting as she kissed her harder than she had before. Trixie whined, her hands roaming over Katya’s back, shoulders, neck - everywhere she possibly could. They breathed into each other’s open mouths, a fiery heat between them. Katya leant towards Trixie so that she fell back against the sheets, her hair fanning out and framing her face, and Katya followed her down. She took a hold of Trixie’s hands and pushed them up above her head. From that position it would seem as if Trixie was completely at her mercy, but it was Katya who was hanging on Trixie’s every whim, every moan or shift in expression. 

“What do you like?” Katya asked, so sultry, after another dizzying kiss.

“A lot of things.” Trixie replied, her dry humour undermined slightly by the tightness of her voice, frustration and arousal rising within her. “Eat me out. I want to come from your mouth.”

Trixie’s words sent a fierce jolt to Katya’s cunt. She was getting very wet, very quickly. The mere thought of getting to taste Trixie would have been enough but now she knew that was exactly what Trixie desired of her, she was insatiable. 

She kissed Trixie one last time, keeping her eyes open so she could memorise exactly what Trixie looked like in that moment. She peppered kisses down her throat to the neckline of her dress. “Sit up.” Katya commanded in order for her to take it off and, when she did, she could properly witness the pale blue balcony bra that barely contained Trixie’s breasts. The blonde hairs surrounding her areolas peaked out from the satiny material, her cleavage was deep and irresistible. Katya was desperate to plant her face there, lick the sweat that would collect. Trixie took off her bra.

She lay Trixie back, watched, entranced, as Trixie ran her hands down her body and cupped herself, tilting her hips into her own palm. She flung her head back into the sheets, baring her neck for Katya to kiss and sighed, commenting, “If you’re going to take your time, I’m not going to wait around for you.”

“Oh god, you are a bossy bottom.” Katya said into Trixie’s neck. She stroked her hand down Trixie’s stomach and firmly took hold of her hand, pushing it away and holding it to the side so she couldn’t move it again. “You’ll get what’s coming to you.” Katya half reassured, half warned before shuffling downwards. Her face came level to Trixie’s delicate underwear and Katya could see where her wetness was beginning to seep through. Katya inhaled, brushed her nose against Trixie’s covered cunt and held Trixie’s hips down, unwaveringly, onto the bed so she couldn’t buck up. Katya determined exactly what Trixie would receive and she knew it was driving Trixie wild.

Trixie tried her best to wriggle, to get a little more of her way, but to no avail. She was fixed like a moth pinned for observation. Just how Katya wanted. 

“If I let go, will you be a good girl and stay exactly as you are?” Katya asked.

“Can’t promise…” Trixie responded stubbornly. 

“Then I can’t eat you out.” 

“Fine.” Trixie made a show of huffing and Katya grinned before letting Trixie’s hand rest in its position. Katya then hooked her fingers under the waistband of Trixie’s underwear and glanced up, both to make sure what she was about to do was what Trixie deeply desired and to check her response to her touch. 

Arching her back but keeping her hands resolutely in place, Trixie writhed, visibly aching for Katya’s mouth. “Come on. Please, Katya.”   
Katya couldn’t bear to deny her any longer. She pulled Trixie’s underwear swiftly off and lay on her front, bending and spreading Trixie’s legs and noting how the cellulite on the backs of her thighs rippled, as beautiful as the sea’s waves, as the oscillation of the tide. Katya caressed the crook of Trixie’s knee, teased her tongue along the smooth skin there. She licked her way up the inside of Trixie’s thigh, stopping every so often to plant errant kisses. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Trixie gripping the sheets and the rush of knowing what she was doing to her was unlike anything else.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous.” Katya complimented. “And you have the prettiest pussy I’ve ever seen.” Trixie was too far gone to reply and Katya knew that was as big an indication as any that she was ready, would probably not last long for Katya had riled her up so much. Not just that night, but during many before it. 

Katya wanted to prolong these moments as much as she could, to learn how Trixie reacted, how she tensed and what really did it for her. 

She licked all the way up to where Trixie needed most. Properly settled, Katya came to wrap her arms around Trixie’s thighs and rested on her elbows, placed wide apart to support her. She pressed an open mouthed, wet kiss to Trixie’s clit then pointed her tongue so she could apply a sufficient pressure, circling around it and down towards her entrance, teasing there but not going any further. She came back up and eased into a consistent rhythm, flattening her tongue over Trixie’s swollen clit and closing her eyes to listen to the captivating moans escaping Trixie’s gaping mouth. 

Katya soon changed the pattern she was making, imprinting a figure of eight with her tongue. Trixie’s stomach quivered and her hips rose as she struggled to keep still. “More.” She demanded, breath coming in fits and starts. Katya trailed one of her hands up to Trixie’s breast, started pinching and rolling her nipple intermittently, in time with her licks. “Fuck.” Trixie let out, flinging an arm over her eyes.

“Put your hand back down.” Katya instructed, pulling away from Trixie’s glistening cunt slightly and only returning there when Trixie had done as she’d asked. This time, she shoved her face as close to Trixie as she could, her chin almost low enough to press against where Trixie’s ass cheeks bulged against the bed. She quickened her pace, spreading slick fluid from Trixie’s opening up to her clit. Trixie’s shaking legs collapsed outwards, unable to prop up any longer, so she was almost in butterfly pose. 

“I’m close.” She near-on shrieked and Katya let loose, dipping her tongue in and out of Trixie’s entrance, rough and with abandon. She massaged Trixie’s breast and kept her other hand at Trixie’s hip, clutching on for dear life. Her head bobbed up and down as she went to give Trixie’s clit one, two, three more brisk, zealous licks before Trixie screamed out, legs jostling as she curled up and in towards herself. She bracketed Katya’s head between her knees as her orgasm rushed through her. Katya kissed her intimately once more before she became too sensitive and Trixie collapsed back onto the bed, exhaling vociferously.

Katya’s own arousal was burning, her cunt throbbing almost painfully. She would have reached down and touched herself but she wanted to kiss Trixie, drape herself over her and feel her, solid and tangible underneath her, so she could reaffirm that what they had just done was real and messy and magnificent. She wiped at her face, the remnants of Trixie’s wetness slathered.

Crawling up Trixie’s body, still pulsing from the intensity of her climax, Katya placed gentle kisses in the most random places possible; the middle of Trixie’s forearm, the crease of her armpit, above her rapidly beating heart. “Oh my god, that was amazing.” Trixie gushed, seeking Katya’s lips for a kiss. Katya opened her mouth, slipped in her tongue to meet Trixie’s, the taste of her still present, scrumptious. 

“Yeah?” Katya asked. She was confident in her abilities to pleasure but, with Trixie, it all felt different. She couldn’t rely on her past experiences to enable her to make an informed judgement.

Trixie pulled Katya down to lie on her chest and wrapped her arms around her protectively, as if she could instinctively sense the little worries starting to creep up on her, even as she was thrumming with prurience. “_Yes_. Ugh, I’ll be thinking about that for the rest of the year. So good.” Katya smiled to herself before turning to nuzzle at Trixie’s collarbone, mind put at ease for the time being.

With care, Trixie stroked down Katya’s arm, index finger stroking over the amalgamation of tattoos, a strange mix of religious imagery and her own artwork. “You’ll have to tell me about these at some point. They’re both terrifying and cool and very, very you. I love them.” She brought Katya’s hand up to her mouth, turning it so she could kiss her palm. Katya watched her with uninterrupted fervency, in wonder at what she’d do to her next.

“I will,” Katya said hoarsely, “But I can’t think straight right now.”

“And why’s that?” Trixie prompted, simpering. 

“Because you promised to make me cry and I want to find out if you’re all you’ve made yourself out to be.” Katya rolled onto her front, pinning Trixie down in the process and kissing her senseless. She thought briefly, before sensation took her over, that she could die happy right there and then, knowing what Trixie tasted like, how her lips felt against her own, how her cunt quivered as her orgasm petered out. And yet, she yearned for Trixie’s mouth and the fire within her rekindled until it was ablaze and the mere touch of skin on skin was making her wetter than she had been in a very long time. 

Trixie snuck a hand in between them, pushed it down underneath Katya’s underwear. Her fingers scratched lightly at her pubic hair, pulled a little on the tufts each side of her lips. Katya let out a shaky breath, eyes closed, giving herself to Trixie. Trixie rolled her onto her back. Her fingers caressed each side of her pussy, teasing. “Keep your eyes open.” Trixie said. “Watch me.”

Katya strained to lift her head up, focussed her vision on the incredible sight before her. Trixie - hair askew, thoroughly fucked and mischievous minx Trixie, the temptress to end all others, in between her legs, pulling her underwear off, kneeling over her cunt like a vixen. Her breasts hung heavily so her hardened nipples grazed Katya’s skin, her shoulders hunched and sweat ran from the back of her neck down her spine. She was unlike anything Katya had ever seen and she couldn’t fathom how lucky she was to have had her way with her, to have her about to go down on her too.

Katya watched as Trixie kissed her stomach, bit down hard at the junction between her thigh and her pubic area. She squirmed, letting out an ecstatic yelp. Trixie licked over the bite, massaging it with her tongue. “Fuck.” Katya panted, the urge to flip them over and ride Trixie’s face taunting her, the interest in what Trixie planned to do overriding her brief fantasy. 

Trixie hoisted Katya’s hips up, taking a strong hold of her and positioning her so that she could have easier access. Trixie lowered her face straight away, tongue wide and flat against Katya’s cunt. She licked broadly up and down, moaning as she tasted her properly, lapping up Katya’s wetness. Then she rolled her tongue, swiping it from left to right over Katya’s clit before moving back down and playing with her labia. 

Katya struggled to keep her eyes open, Trixie’s touch dominating her, but she dazedly stared as Trixie’s head bobbed faster and faster between her legs. Her boobs jiggled from the movement, her grip on Katya tight but clammier and clumsier as her exertion heightened. Trixie’s licks grew sloppier and more desperate, the hunger within her obvious. Katya felt her cunt being drenched by Trixie’s saliva and her own arousal. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” She repeated over and over like a mantra. 

Trixie knelt back and let go of Katya’s hips just as Katya could feel a tightness arise in the pit of her stomach. “You taste extraordinary.” She said, wiping roughly at her chin, all lubricious and glossy, like she had gotten her fill already. Coming to all fours, she made a show of licking her lips, slowly, before tonguing the middle of her top lip where her cupid’s bow formed.

“You’re killing me.” Katya admitted, flopping her head back dramatically and making Trixie laugh at her theatrics. 

“You ain’t seen nothing yet.” Trixie quipped, like an old Hollywood film star. She ducked back down, hands possessively massaging the inside of Katya’s muscled thighs. She brought one hand across, her middle finger and ring finger parting the lips of Katya’s pussy, slipping slightly, so she could rub up to her clit. Katya tensed, all her lower body hardening, becoming rigid. She was close, so close to coming and she would hate to prematurely bring an end to Trixie’s grand plan. Trixie curled her fingers against Katya’s form, passing them over her labia and lower, to her entrance. 

As if she had been doused in cold water, she came out of her trance, out of the spellbound state Trixie had lovingly, attentively brought her into. Before Trixie could go any further, Katya sprang up, bolt upright. “Don’t.” She almost yelled, too groggy from unadulterated bliss to properly vocalise. 

Trixie sat back immediately, removing all contact, her face paling, eyes widening in shock. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, are you ok? Did I hurt you?” Trixie held her hands up as if she was surrendering to a crime. Katya felt guilt mount within her instantly. She had overreacted but the discomfort that she had felt was completely out of her control. 

“I’m alright, Trixie. I’m alright. I’m sorry, god, I’m sorry for scaring you. Everything was great, I promise. I just…” She took a deep inhale. “I don’t really like being penetrated. I’m sorry, I should have said as soon as it was evident where all this was going tonight and, shit, now you’ll feel terrible. Fuck! I’m so sorry, I should have thought. I just had tunnel vision, like, I was so fucking eager to be with you that everything else went out the window. I’m sorry, fuck, I’ve ruined everything haven’t I?”

The colour slowly came back to Trixie’s face as Katya attempted to get her words out, mouth racing to try and assure Trixie whilst also explaining herself as soon as possible. Trixie rubbed nervously at her neck, leaving pink blotches amongst the silky tan she had built up. 

“Katya, you haven’t ruined anything. Please know that.” Trixie sighed. “You should have told me, you definitely should have told me something as important as that. I need to know shit like that if I’m going to be intimate with you, in any way, not just sexually. I need to know your boundaries just like you require mine…I should have asked like you did with me and for that I’m sorry too.” 

Katya’s breath came ragged, uneven. A cold sweat dropped down her creased forehead as she wrapped her arms around herself, the distance between her and Trixie seeming vast like a canyon. She wanted to throw herself off the edge of it, picturing it in her mind. “I keep messing up. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do this.” 

“I think we both need to communicate better. We’re lesbians for god’s sake, we should be good at that.” Trixie joked faintly, managing to get a little smile from Katya, and it calmed her down a bit. She couldn’t grasp how Trixie was so patient. It hurt, knowing she repeatedly made mistakes, and her mind filled with self-judgemental thoughts, telling her she wasn’t good enough, that it wasn’t fair that Trixie had to expend so much emotional energy being with her.

“I’m really sorry.” Katya choked out, choked up. 

“Can you tell me a bit more about…?” Trixie asked carefully, still sat away from Katya but with a looser posture now, the initial shock wearing off.

Katya nodded solemnly. She trusted Trixie more than she did some of the people she had known for many years longer. She refused to be ashamed of what her life used to be like, what experiences (especially the ones less pleasing to common ears) shaped her when once they had perhaps crushed her. 

“When I went to college I had a mental breakdown because I realised I would never be David Lynch— I’ll go into that another time, it’s not so important right now. I was crippled with anxiety and when I had to present my work I would completely shut down. I’d smoked weed since I was in seventh grade but I got into harder stuff. I’d be completely off my face during an exhibition or a presentation but I could finally _talk_ and verbalise my ideas like I saw them and reasoned about them in my head, and of course just working a part time retail job couldn’t fund everything I was doing and I didn’t want to go into dealing as well. 

I...did a bit of sex work to top up my bank account. I’m lucky in that I had a mostly good experience with it - I chose my clients, I decided what I would and wouldn’t do and pretty much every one I had played by the rules. I had a lot of regulars, men mostly but a couple of so called straight women in unhappy marriages found me somehow, maybe word of mouth or— I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. 

They never touched me but I did what they wanted of me and sometimes it was enjoyable and sometimes it was like doing laundry, you know, like you know you have to do it and it’s fine once it’s done but you have to psych yourself up a bit. 

Before then I had quite a limited experience. My friend and I used to get each other off whilst we did our homework together in high school but she went a bit Jesus freak and sent me a weird letter later on asking me - get this - to join her in the Lord’s fight against the forces of darkness and then— I’m not making this up— _then_ she was brutally murdered.”

“What?!” Trixie had done a good job of not interrupting so far but this particular story she clearly couldn’t let pass. Despite the seriousness of her other admissions, how she retold them, interspersing with memories in her typical disjointed manner, it gave Katya relief, knowing Trixie’s interpretation of her experiences wasn’t all doom and gloom and unnecessary handwringing like she had begrudgingly received in the past. 

“She’d gotten into some shit in college, roughing people up and I guess she messed with the wrong person one time and that was that.“ 

Trixie let out a cackle. “Oh my god. What is your life? How are you still here?” She joked.

“I know.” Katya shrugged. “Anyway, yeah, didn’t have much experience and college was rough. I was too busy being anxious all the time and trying not to kill myself for hooking up - that was often the last thing on my mind until I got money from it. 

Eventually, when I got sober the first time, I quit the side hustle and that came at the right time ‘cause I had a new client who tried to finger me without my consent and at that point I didn’t really think much of it but he wouldn’t stop when I told him to the first few times. Looking back, it’s clear he thought what he wanted and getting his nut was more important than learning self fucking restraint or something.”

“Jesus, Kat, that’s awful. I’m sorry that happened to you. Men are disgusting, don’t care about anything else but themselves and what they want and they think the rest of the world should yield to their desires.” Trixie shuffled closer, reached out tentatively so her hand hung between them. It wasn’t a show of sympathy, but an olive branch. Katya took a firm hold, assured by Trixie’s affection.

“I always said that if you put a wig on a fire hydrant, there’d still be men lining up around the block to fuck it.” Trixie let out a scream-laugh. Katya had missed it, felt like how their evening took a turn had eradicated everything else they had formed together. That was her anxiety talking and she imagined it physically manifest like a fleck of dust before she brushed it, and the thought altogether, aside. 

“After all that, I’ve had a bit of an aversion to penetration. Was never a big fan as it was. When I hit 30 and suddenly got horny and fucked a load of women, I found a wonderful stone butch who understood exactly what my thought processes were and took the time and patience to get me comfortable. She was so fucking caring and hot and it must have been hours but I wanted to experience it and she got me there. It’s just really not my preference.”

Trixie ran her thumb over Katya’s knuckles, so lovingly and with a pressure that indicated her will to be present, be there with Katya and remain as they had been. “Thank you for explaining all that to me. I’m sorry I hadn’t asked before. We both need to be careful with each other, don’t we?” 

Katya nodded. “Are we ok? I know this doesn’t solve anything and I still feel terrible and I don’t want you to treat me like I’m glass that’s going to smash at any moment because that’s never the case and I know you know that but it needs to be said because, hey, we’re doing that whole communicating like healthy, stable adult human women aren’t we?” 

Trixie grinned. “We are. Though whether you’re actually human or just the corpse of Mr Burns is yet to be determined.” 

They spent the next hour cuddling, Katya barely talking, focussing on regulating herself and bringing her temperament back to its usual state after her panic. When she did speak, she kept her voice low and steady, doing everything possible to ensure her heart rate remained level. 

“Is there anything off limits for you?” She asked eventually, not wanting to begin that kind of conversation again but reluctantly accepting how necessary it was.

“I don’t like anything with pee. That includes pee related stories outside of sex, by the way. I can sense you’re the type who has at least one pee story.”

“Wow, talk about being read to filth.” Katya deadpanned before wheezing and flailing her arms about with hilarity. 

“Anything majorly kinky - I don’t do all that. What about you? Anything else I should know about?” Trixie asked when Katya settled again.

“No, you know me now.” Katya stated, frank and open. 

Katya propped herself up in Sphinx pose and lowered her head over Trixie’s. Pressing a ghost of a kiss to Trixie’s lips, she felt herself ease a little more and allowed herself to listen to the messages relaying within her, to the way her body reacted to Trixie’s and to the thrum of anticipation swelling once again. “I’d totally get it if you weren’t in the mood anymore...” Katya began, Trixie cutting her off with a searing kiss before she could even instigate anything herself.

Trixie kissed her as if she was about to disappear, as if that was their last moment before the end of the world. Katya couldn’t comprehend how she had such a force inside her, even in the position she was in. That she could take control of their interactions without disconcerting Katya was something refreshing and wonderful to experience. 

Their kisses deepened and deepened like an endless well. Katya manoeuvred them onto their sides, giving Trixie the space to trail her hand up and down Katya’s torso. Her abs tensed and released depending on Trixie’s proximity, her stomach fluttered in more ways than one. As Trixie planted open mouthed, wet, salacious kisses down Katya’s clavicle, to her collarbones and above her breasts, Katya could feel her arousal, knew she was becoming as wet as she did earlier. 

Trixie scooted further and further down the bed until she huffed, gave up and switched positions so her feet were where her head was and her face was mere inches from Katya’s cunt. Katya couldn’t control the gasp that escaped her when Trixie blew gently over her pubic hair, pushed her fingers against the direction of the stubble that was beginning to show from where she hadn’t bothered shaving again. 

“You’re gorgeous, Kat, I hope you know that. I hope I remember to tell you every chance I get.” Trixie murmured tenderly.

Katya didn’t know how to respond to such a lovely sentiment. She pressed her hips forward, instead, bumping her pubic bone against Trixie’s chin. Trixie took the hint and dived in, massaging her clit with her tongue with renewed intensity. Katya could feel her wetness dripping, keened for Trixie to lick it all up, pulling at her hair as if that would somehow convey her desire. Trixie moaned and Katya’s heart couldn’t contain all that she was feeling, knowing that she could trust Trixie with all that she had. 

Trixie picked up her pace, matched the ferocity of her licks with Katya’s increasingly ragged breath. Katya became more and more vocal, interspersing profanities with guttural moans and contrastingly high pitched whines. Suddenly, just when Katya clenched, curling her toes, Trixie pulled away. Katya groaned.

“I meant what I said.” Trixie stated. “I’m going to make you cry. I’m going to rile you up so much that you won’t know what to do.”

Katya could only push out, “Oh?” Too intent on bucking her hips towards Trixie’s mouth, getting whatever contact she possibly could. She couldn’t contain her frustration. It leaked out of her, through the sweat that seeped out of every pore and drenched her from her head to her toes. 

“You only deserve the best.”

The room was stuffy and hot and their sheets were a tangled mess on the floor, unneeded. Katya never begged, never in her life had done more than ask for her partner to go a little to the left or keep going or talk her through it. But as she arched her back, tried to attain a source of friction that wasn’t there, she whispered, “Please.” 

Trixie barely gave in, leaning back in to give her a few licks to tide her over before kissing her hips, her stomach, laving over the muscles that spasmed. Katya squirmed, her wetness spreading down the insides of her thighs. She was so close. All it would take was a few more seconds and she starved for climax. Starved. 

“Trixie.“ She choked out, the veracity of her adoration for her like a bomb ready to explode, to fracture all existing structures and norms to smithereens. Tears welled, her vision blurred. Katya clutched at whatever of Trixie she could, blind to where her hands sought her out. Because that’s what she was doing, all the time, ever since she set eyes on the chaotic Barbie fantasy - seeking her out like her heart had the answers to every one of Katya’s questions. 

Trixie’s pussy was in her face too, but all she could do was try not to let the tears spill over her waterline as Trixie grabbed her ass, the backs of her thighs, slotting her thumbs carefully each side of the pubic hair outside of Katya’s labia. Katya could smell the arousal emanating from Trixie all over again. 

“Please.” She pleaded, voice breaking. Trixie pulled herself away entirely and Katya’s stomach sank at the thought of losing Trixie’s touch altogether. She blinked away her tears, clearing her vision to see Trixie’s face before hers. 

“Oh my god. You are...I can’t even—“ Trixie stammered, bringing her sweaty hand to Katya’s sweaty cheeks. She kissed her, closed mouthed, eyes scrunched shut and Katya watched her, enthralled, as her forehead creased and eyebrows tried to press together. 

“Touch me, Trixie. Touch me, I’m dying.” Whispered meekly, leaning her forehead against Trixie’s. 

Moving one hand to Katya’s pulse point on her neck, one down in between her legs, Trixie rose up on her elbow but kept her face as close as she could to Katya’s. One lonesome tear tracked down her cheek, only joined by another as she came, so hard her entire body jolted, she lost control of her limbs, her nervous system altogether. Her orgasm was long, the waves of it crashing over her for seconds upon seconds, feeling more like minutes, and though her eyes were firmly shut, she sensed Trixie watching her with more amazement than she thought possible. 

Katya gathered Trixie in her arms as she came down, held her tightly and kissed her damp hairline. “I could go again,” Trixie said, “But I know we should sleep.”

“Hmm.” Katya’s eyelids were drooping already. “I suppose I should also say that once I’ve been fucked that spectacularly and come that hard, I’m dead to the world five minutes after.”

“Communication, Katya!” Trixie chided playfully and laughed, the rumble of it sending Katya further into unconsciousness, knowing she was safe, knowing she had something beautiful to focus on from then on. 

-

In the morning, Katya woke and all that she saw in front of her was white. It didn’t glow like she imagined, but in those first uncertain moments between asleep and awake, she was sure that she had reached heaven. It was, of course, not the case and, in reality, she had turned over in the night and was actually facing the plain painted wall, but that initial sentiment rang true for her. She had never been so elated, elevated from her basic human form to a higher state of being. 

She felt that thing blossom inside her, that thing everyone around her seemed to have found a million times before she had. She didn’t dare name it, yet she knew it was there.   
Trixie was still asleep. She didn’t have to turn around to know, could tell by the way her breath came out in long exhales, by how still the room seemed without her animated presence taking it over. Katya felt so at peace, not yet awake enough to start ruminating on the events of the previous night, her limbs feeling heavy and weighed down so she could remain inactive. 

She lay for a while, statuesque, in shavasana, keeping her head clean and empty, focussing on grounding. Then, Trixie stirred and everything came to life, like an industrial machine, cogs turning. Trixie didn’t say a word of greeting, immediately kissing her instead, slipping her tongue into Katya’s mouth and licking into her with as much abandon as the night before. It fired Katya up, kept her mind on one track. 

She rolled on top of Trixie, kissed her way down her body and spread her legs, hoisting each of them over her shoulders. They were heavy and rooted her further. Trixie keened upwards and Katya’s mouth met her, licking her clit over and over until she was panting and wet and slick enough for her to push two fingers inside. She crooked her fingers, feeling Trixie’s walls, learning where the slight bumps were that, when caressed, caused Trixie to shout out, to screech, “Yes.” 

Trixie came and Katya saw god and saw purpose and light and even herself from above, glowing like she thought heaven would. 

“What a way to wake up!” Trixie exclaimed and Katya kissed her, short but hard.

They both somehow managed to make it to their respective classes, Trixie giving Katya shower head and holding her hand all throughout breakfast before sending her off to Raja’s Ashtanga with Violet and Pearl. 

“You fucked!” Violet yelled, as soon as Trixie was out of earshot.

“Fucking finally.” Pearl droned.

“I didn’t even say a word to you yet, what makes you think—“ Katya falsely protested, a huge grin spreading across her face. 

“Don’t even try and pretend.” Violet cut in. 

“We fucked. And then again this morning. She got in the shower with me and ate my—“

“We get it.” Pearl interrupted, smiling despite herself. 

They reached the studio then, a huddle of other people there waiting for Raja, so Violet demanded that she tell them all the details after class. 

Katya was grateful that Ashtanga was scheduled that morning. It appealed to her pitta-dominant nature and the constant commitment to movement helped not to taint what she and Trixie had shared with spiralling thoughts. By the time she was doing the seated portion of the session, any chance of anxiety had diminished. She was filled to the brim with good energy, passion and positively aching muscles. 

Around the pool, the group of them reconnected, knowing smiles on all of their faces as they waited for who would say what first. Trixie did the honours - Katya tried to get a word in here and there but with not much luck. It was evident how pleased Trixie was, as were the other women, and that reinforced just how right everything was, like it was destined to happen. 

“We should celebrate!” Fame suggested, eyes bright. 

“What, like a champagne toast to these two finally becoming scissor sisters?” Violet intoned.

“Please don’t ever say that ever again.” Pearl said from behind her hands, cringing and laughing with the others simultaneously. 

The rest of the day passed in a pleasant blur. Katya went to her afternoon class with Fame and Violet either side of her, the three of them linking arms and chattering away. Raja must have heard the gossip from someone as he greeted Katya with a knowing wink and a cheeky grin. She tried not to assume his speech about “celebrating love and its physical expressions” at the start of the session was about her and Trixie. She blushed nonetheless, and it didn’t help that Fame gazed over at her with a stupidly chuffed expression. 

Katya didn’t see much of Trixie throughout the day as Trixie went to both of Michelle’s classes, but before they reconvened in their room to get ready for dinner, Trixie filled Katya in on how much she enjoyed Michelle’s Zen Yoga class, a concept Katya hadn’t come across. Trixie spoke highly of the fluidity of the movement and Katya could easily picture her floating her arms up and down in Warrior II gracefully, her broad shoulders easing away from her ears as the class went on. 

They had roughly an hour before dinner was served and Katya was eager to make the most of it. As soon as their door had closed, she had hugged Trixie, grabbed her ass and lamented, “Sorry, I’m so horny.” 

Katya tackled her down onto the bed, practically tore off Trixie’s yoga pants and sports bra, and fingered her like she had imagined on that first night, minus the cigarette in hand - hard and rough, slotting a third finger in as Trixie loosened, her wetness dripping down Katya’s palm to her wrist. She finished her off with her nipple in her mouth and her calling out so loudly that Max politely slipped a note under the door telling them that, although she was very happy to know they were together, she would appreciate it very much if they didn’t get too “vulgar”. Trixie cackled and resolved to tell Violet as she was sure she would find that particularly hilarious. 

Ginger was waiting for Katya at their spot, complimenting her floaty, Ukrainian-style black dress with floral embroidery before launching into what she’d heard. “You dirty whore!” She’d exclaimed when Katya had told her the full story. “Seriously though, you sound so happy. I’m glad you found each other. And I’m jealous that you’ll be getting it this whole time away whilst I’m drying up!” 

“Threesome?” Katya joked, making Ginger cough from laughing and smoking at the same time. 

That night, they barely made it to their room before their hands were in each other’s underwear. They got each other off, Katya pushing Trixie against the closed door and kissing her sloppily the whole time so Trixie’s makeup was completely ruined and on Katya’s face more than her own. They came within seconds of each other, moaning into each other’s necks and clinging onto each other, gasping for air. 

Once they’d properly undressed, they stood shoulder to shoulder in the bathroom, looking at one another in the mirror above the sink and pulling silly faces as they cleansed, toned and moisturised (upon Trixie’s insistence). Getting into Trixie’s bed in the darkness and draping her body against Trixie’s back felt like easing herself into her favourite yoga poses, like the act itself was enough to fulfil her physically, spiritually, emotionally. 

Katya knew all too well that to treat Trixie like a deity, placing her on a pedestal and directing all her mental energy towards her was damaging to both of them. Focussing attention on a single presence was only useful in meditation. Katya knew she wasn’t fixating and for that she was proud; it was a testament to her recovery that she had remained grounded in her yoga practice, that she was spending time with other people and that she hadn’t acted too rash. 

“What are you thinking?” Trixie asked, voice muffled by her pillow. 

Katya kissed Trixie’s bare shoulder and shuffled imperceptibly closer. “About how excited I am not to lose myself to you.”


	7. Dhyana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh heyyyy there. Well, I'm about 1,500 words away from finishing writing this story. Originally I planned to only post chapter 7 when I was done with chapter 8 but I couldn't wait tbh so here we are. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it! Thanks for reading :)))

The first week of the retreat passed and Katya was deep into experiencing the extent of its benefits. Michelle had warned everyone on the seventh night that that was when everyone’s emotions had fully processed and would begin to come to the surface. Her class that afternoon focussed on fluidity of movement and the release of tension and Katya came out of it with a lot of feeling. Everyone did, and the mood that evening was one of distinct contemplation. Most of the group took time out alone in the spare couple of hours before dinner, either meditating, journaling or just sitting with whatever was coming up.

Katya resisted going for a smoke, instead finding a spot by the pool in the sun. Dangling her legs in the cooling water, she sat tall, the crown of her head lifting as if everything would rise up out of it. 

Being with Trixie had done her a world of good and she had learned a lot about dealing with difficulties but still striving for a vibrant life from her. She admired how determined Trixie was, how she wouldn’t let her trauma hinder her but would use it as a motivator to excel in whatever small or large way. They had shared a lot of what they were working through together, however, as the week came to an end, Katya saw the value in setting aside time for herself, without Trixie or the other women. 

She closed her eyes, took slow and careful breaths and focussed on the expansion of the backs of her ribs, letting her mind bring to the surface whatever it needed to. She trailed through the years when she lived above Jacques’, when she’d perform at night on coke or meth then head upstairs to bed as the sun rose, and the first time she went on stage sober, limbs stiff and movement stilted, terrified. 

What troubled her, often times, was the guilt that came with having a sturdy, safe upbringing - a loving family - and still having such long lasting, persistent problems. Her clients came to her with innumerable traumas stemming from abuse, broken homes, poverty, heartbreak, the lot. And yet she’d been lucky enough not to experience any of those things. It plagued her, along with her usual existential crises, knowing that she had held so much pain from so little stimuli. 

As the years passed, she became more comfortable with the knowledge that addiction and anxiety are illnesses that can happen to anyone at any time, and that understanding came hand in hand with removing herself from blame, from the thinking that she must deserve what was handed to her because of an innate fault. She wasn’t special. She was human with conditions and that was far more common than she was initially comfortable with. 

The retreat was more impactful on her than she had acknowledged until then. She had quickly realised how Michelle’s words of wisdom had brought her a new perspective, but practicing yoga so diligently everyday, surrounded by the energies of such a variety of people working through such a variety of processing, was a different level of an emotional journey. 

Dinner was a quiet affair, some of the group choosing to take their plates to different parts of the grounds to eat alone. Katya was tempted to do the same but knew she would be less likely to eat, too occupied by her thoughts, if that were the case. Trixie wasn’t at the table and, as everyone pretty much abandoned all attempt to get properly dressed that evening, Katya hadn’t seen her since the class they shared that afternoon. 

Violet, Michelle, Raja and Kasha were sat eating by the time Katya arrived. She took an empty seat next to Kasha and greeted everyone, voice low as if she would disturb the equilibrium otherwise. “I was right, huh?” Michelle said and everyone nodded. 

“It’s pretty crazy really, how intuned everyone is to each other.” Violet remarked. 

“I think it says something about how we deal with things in the day to day that it’s taken pretty much everyone a whole week for these emotional responses to surface.” Raja commented. 

“Definitely. It’s opened my eyes.” Kasha added, taking a long sip of water as if it would wash away the remnants of whatever had been brewing. “We go about our busy lives and think we think - we often overthink - but it’s not the kind that helps us attain growth.”

Katya tucked into her salad first, stomach too heavy for anything else just yet. The burst of juice as she bit into a pomegranate seed was sweet and refreshing. She needed to drink plenty of water. She wasn’t dehydrated but was drawn to the thought of flushing whatever she could out of her system. 

“You’re quiet tonight, Katya. You ok?” Michelle asked, carefully. 

“Yeah. I think I’ve dug up every point of my life, so now I’m ready to bury it and let it be. Got a spade by any chance?” The group laughed, Kasha placing her hand on Katya’s forearm and leaning into it for balance. 

“I could do with one too, but more to bury a few bodies!” Raja joked and a chorus of agreement and laughter rang around the table. 

Katya felt a lot better after she finished her food, a little more weighted and solid. Her recollections had spirited her upwards, coming out of herself to reflect. The simple act of eating and sharing conversation had helped ground her again, reset her body and mind. 

That night, she borrowed a pen and some paper from reception and went out to her smoking spot. She lit a cigarette and began to write - all that she was forgiving herself for, all that she was leaving behind. She wrote about the theft; the screaming episodes in her car when she subsequently lost her job and gained a horrifying skin infection; the times she didn’t respect the boundaries of a person she cared about, too high for reason, so they called the police and enforced a restraining order on her; when she kicked her neighbour in the balls for talking about ET too much; about refusing her mom’s help more times than she could count; about glossing over the many things she had done that were helpful or kind or even just practical, too busy lamenting over the apparent fact that she couldn’t function in the world, that certain behaviours would cause a certain string of events and another set of behaviours would cause ones completely different. 

She re-lit her cigarette, blown out from the desert breeze, before bringing the flame to the corner of her stack of pages. She inhaled and repeated in her head, “I am ready to let go. May I accept my suffering as a path to greater knowledge. May I be at peace with who I was, who I am and who I will be.” The flames licked at the paper, curling its edges, blackening them before they floated away. As the fire came closer to her fingers, she released her grip, the burning remnants escaping her, some coming to the ground, some being swallowed by the growing flame. Soon, it was all gone. 

She found Trixie walking back to their room. She followed at a distance behind her, observing the tiredness in the slump of her shoulders, the heaviness of her steps. Katya was always taken aback by her beauty, how it shone through even when she was down and dull. 

They prepared for bed in silence. Katya didn’t want to pull her out of the state she was in until she could bring all her attention to her, to help her through it if that’s what she wanted or to watch over her from afar if not. Katya had always had a lot of love inside her but by the time she had salvaged herself to put it to use, it seemed like she had missed her chance with anyone outside of her circle of friends and family. 

Trixie collapsed into bed first and Katya asked if she could join her. “Of course.” She said, voice flat. Katya peeled back the covers and slotted herself in. Trixie lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. Katya planted a gentle kiss on her cheek. 

“Do you want to talk?”

“Not yet.” Trixie replied and Katya breathed easier knowing what that implied, that Trixie trusted Katya enough to share her innermost thoughts even when she was evidently struggling with them. “I want you to fuck me.” She turned her head then and Katya felt impaled by her gaze, burning with intent like the flames she had just ignited outside. 

“Are you sure?” Katya asked.

“Yes I’m fucking sure.” Trixie grabbed Katya’s hand and pulled it down, underneath her shorts, underneath the cotton of her underwear, to her pussy, ready for her already. “Feel how wet I am for you.” 

Katya moaned and came to hover over Trixie, hands each side of her head. She lowered down, so achingly slowly, like she was doing Chaturanga, yet stopped just millimetres away so her lips didn’t touch Trixie’s, teased them instead. She bumped noses, stared into Trixie’s eyes like they were her world view. Trixie huffed, strained her neck upwards so she could kiss Katya, impatient and desperate. 

Katya took charge, sucking at Trixie’s bottom lip and pulling on it so that when she let go, a trail of saliva still connected them. Katya licked it up, licked Trixie’s top lip too, licked into her mouth, their tongues meeting. She moved to start pulling up Trixie’s vest, took a breath and broke the kiss to get it off her and reveal her soft skin beneath. Katya kissed each of Trixie’s shoulders, bit down on her left one and huffed a laugh at the perfect imprint it made. Trixie inspected it, joked how hers would certainly not look symmetrical like Katya’s did. 

Katya pulled off Trixie’s shorts next, then her sports bra, which was a lot tougher to do, it tight and prone to twisting. Trixie helped her out and took Katya’s crop top off too. She was bare underneath. Trixie keened up, took Katya’s nipple in her mouth and sucked, pushing her tongue onto it to apply pressure as she swirled a tantalising pattern. Katya ran her hands through Trixie’s hair, brushing her gorgeous blonde strands out of her face. 

They kissed languidly, the stiffness lessening in Trixie until Katya had her completely malleable beneath her. She lay her back, drew her hands up and down Trixie’s torso before taking her underwear off. She placed a gentle kiss underneath her belly button, another one on each of her hip bones. She squeezed the fat of her stomach and Trixie told her off with a smile for spending too much time on her spare tire and not enough time on her pussy.

Katya wasn’t in the mood for teasing that evening and soon enough made her way in between Trixie’s legs, licking her clit and circling her entrance with her fingers. It didn’t take much for Trixie to be wet enough for Katya to start fucking her, starting off slow and building and building until Trixie’s head was close to banging the headboard with each of Katya’s thrusts. Trixie didn’t speak but moaned whenever Katya reached a certain spot inside her. 

“You’re so sexy.” Katya began. Trixie was usually the one to start off the dirty talk, but Katya could sense that she wasn’t in that place and Katya was more than happy to take over for a change. “I can get wet from just looking at your boobs. I want to bury my face in them and drown in you until I’m gasping for breath.” Trixie gasped as Katya paused to give her clit a little more attention. 

“I’ve dreamt of finding someone like you. Your ass— I need you to sit on my face sometime soon so I can eat you out and all I’ll see is your perfect, perfect ass.” Katya crooked her fingers, stroked harder and added a third, feeling Trixie stretch around her. “I love how you can be a bit of a bitch. It’s hot knowing that I get to see so many sides of you, that I’m lucky enough to receive your kindness and compassion, and that I get to share my bed with someone so fucking good at making me come. You’re the best I’ve had. You’re the best I’ve ever had.” 

Trixie came at those very words, clenching around Katya’s fingers and gripping her hair. She spasmed for a while after, little aftershocks surprising her here and there. Katya only pulled out when she was still, sucking each finger into her mouth to lap up Trixie’s wetness.

“Did you mean that?” Trixie asked, seeming far away, spaced out and sated, scrubbing her face with her hands and stretching luxuriously, looser. 

“Yeah, I’ve never come so hard as I have with you.” Katya admitted unashamedly. She wanted Trixie to know - she couldn’t keep things to herself anymore now she had set so much free.

“No, I mean, what you said about dreaming of someone like me.”

“Oh...I don’t believe I’ve manifested you or something. That’d make me crazier than I already am, I just—”

“That would be quite romantic really.” Trixie interrupted, smiling and motioning for Katya to lie down. She did and Trixie came to rest her head on her stomach. Katya watched as her head pulsed up and down in time with Katya’s heart beat, twirled her hair in between her fingers. 

“I don’t know. You’re...right for me. You make me want to be right for you too.” 

Trixie lifted up her hand so Katya could hold it. “I’ve been thinking a lot today.” Trixie said, eyes fixed back to the ceiling. 

Katya started to massage each of her fingers, rubbing at her palm and then pulling on her digits, some clicking from the action. Katya tried not to worry but couldn’t help the quickening of her pulse at the potential of what Trixie would determine about their future, if she had even considered it at all. Katya knew from the start that it was only fair for all the balls to be in Trixie’s court. She had the final say, the only say. Her word was gospel. 

“Kim would probably be telling me off for getting involved with you. She’d be all like ‘Trixie, you need stability and a clear path!’” She put on a lisping Korean accent before reverting to her own. “Farrah would be wary. Before, I’d have taken their advice and run with it, which I’ve been doing for a couple of years now. They’re incredible, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it’s like I don’t get to make a decision that’s a hundred percent mine.” 

Katya didn’t know where this was going, couldn’t say anything, her mouth feeling like it was filled with cotton wool. All she could do was nod. 

“I’ve had an idea while I’ve been here. Like, a collaborative event in LA. I’ve met amazing people and I’d be the first to admit I thought it’d just be old hippie women giving me funny looks for not joining their hemp weaving group or whatever.” Katya wheezed a laugh and Trixie joined in, giving her a peck on the cheek when they had mellowed. 

“What’s your idea?” Katya asked. 

“I want to host, like, a night, all different performances - music, aerial stuff, dj sets, maybe even talks or whatever beforehand or something - for women, by women. Invite Violet, Pearl and Fame to do their thing. They all have big followings and I’ve amounted a bit of one too. Fame can host a makeup masterclass, Pearl could host the after party. Celebrate women’s talents and empower others in the same way. What do you think?”

Katya thought her chest was about to explode, the admiration she had for Trixie so powerful and uncontainable. “That sounds incredible, honestly. This has got to happen. I’m sure the others will be up for it.”

“Yeah?” 

“Of course. Trixie, you’re onto something great here. Believe in it, and yourself.”

Katya arranged them so they were face to face. She stroked Trixie’s cheek, looked deep into her eyes and felt everything she had ever thought was beyond her reach bubble up and threaten to spill out of her mouth. She kissed Trixie to try and stop it, to show her how much she valued her ideas, admired her initiative. Katya held Trixie’s face, kept her as close as she possibly could until they both ran out of air. 

“So about that face sitting you mentioned...” Trixie wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and Katya laughed. 

“It’s my turn first.” She said, sobering before pushing Trixie onto her back and pressing her hand into Trixie’s chest with enough pressure to establish her intentions. 

Trixie let out a small gasp, her plump lips parting and her tongue darting out suggestively. Katya stripped off completely and came to straddle her properly, and Trixie ran her hands up and down her sides. Katya canted her hips back and forth, rubbing herself on Trixie and leaving a wet patch just above her pubic hair once she had used her to her satisfaction. Trixie was staring at her in wonder, as if it were the first time seeing her naked, unabashed. “Come on,” Trixie said, “Let me taste you.”

Katya leaned forward to kiss her before crawling up Trixie’s body and raising herself. She placed her knees each side of Trixie’s head and spread her thighs wide. Trixie looked up at her like she was witnessing a miracle, her breath quickening and her body minutely shifting so she was in the optimal position. Katya didn’t lower herself yet, wanted to give Trixie a chance to look at her or bring herself up to her if that’s what she yearned for enough. 

Trixie wiped the sweat from above her top lip, licking over where her hand had been and glaring at Katya for making her wait. 

“Got your fill yet? Or should I give you a few more minutes?” Katya asked mischievously. 

Trixie rolled her eyes and made a show of petulance. “You were being all caring and considerate before. I want that Katya back, what have you done with her? I was gonna wife her up, U-haul, the lot.” 

“You’d get bored with her. Plus, she isn’t as hot as me.” 

“No one’s as hot you.” Trixie stated, eyes dark and hungry. 

“You know just what to say.” Katya smiled and braced herself so she could lower enough of a distance away for Trixie to lick her cunt but not bury her face. 

“Oh, fuck.” Trixie groaned, flicking her tongue over Katya’s hood. Katya felt herself swell, felt the blood rushing to that spot she ached for Trixie to reach. “Let go.” Trixie encouraged and Katya didn’t need telling twice. She released the tension in her thighs and sat down properly, beginning to rock back and forth in time with Trixie’s licks, the force of both of their movements strong and synchronised. 

Katya came and looked down at Trixie and her damp chin and tangled hair and wondered how she had gone so long in life without her. Her fixed point to return to no matter the direction she had explored earlier that day. Her balance, her equal, someone to give her love to, who would hopefully handle it with care, as she had handled Katya so far.

As they fell asleep sharing the same pillow, Katya imagined what it would be like to have Trixie in her bed back in Boston, dared to even picture herself in Trixie’s in LA. She thought of domesticity for the first time as a concept actually, remotely attainable and didn’t push it away, deeming it ridiculous, like she might have before. Unconsciousness took her, dreaming of morning afters and lazy kisses, a stark contrast to Jacques’, to how she thought her life trajectory had limited her possibilities. Trixie inspired her. Katya vowed to do something about it.

-

“Shit! Oh fucking shitty fuckballs!” 

Katya was wakened at god knows what time in the early hours of the morning to the sounds of Trixie Mattel furiously scrambling about in the bathroom. There was an opening of a cupboard, the slamming of its door and vicious rustling akin only to that of a racoon in the garbage. 

“Baby, what are you doing?” Katya called from the comfort of the bed - their bed, for now - stretching and stifling a yawn behind the covers. Then her eyes shot open. She had called Trixie baby. She had never called anyone a pet name before, let alone one so tenderly like she had. Before she had a chance to (over) think it through, Trixie emerged in what could only be described as a total strop, arms folded over her ample chest, shoulders hunched. 

“I started my fucking period.” She pouted, the light from the bathroom shining behind her, making her out to be taller and more stocky than she was. 

Katya didn’t quite get what the histrionics were for. “And does this not happen every month?” 

“Of course it does, you bitch.” Trixie rolled her eyes, turning off the light and coming to flop down dramatically on the bed. She covered her face with her hands. “Ugh, just as we getting to the really good stuff.” 

“What are you talking about?” Katya rolled over, coming to lean on her forearms next to Trixie so she could look down on her, huffing and floundering. 

“Sex, Katya.” She deadpanned. “My periods last five days. Five fucking days without your mouth on me and I think I’ll go back to the state I was in before I got here. Might as well just stare blankly at the walls and refill my prescription for Citalopram now!” She slapped the bed, sighed again and flipped onto her front, practically face planting into the mattress. 

Katya couldn’t help but burst out laughing. She was ridiculous, the most ridiculous, beautiful, cranky, stupid and wonderful creature she had ever come across and she never wanted to let her go. 

“Why are you laughing at my misfortune?” Trixie exclaimed. Katya shook her head in total disbelief before climbing on top of Trixie, hands resting on her ass. She ensured her weight, slight though it was, didn’t press on Trixie’s stomach, her ass coming to rest on the backs of Trixie’s thighs. She massaged her lower back, that being a place Katya often got pain when she was on, and Trixie groaned, letting go of some tension she was unwittingly holding.

“Are you seriously telling me not one of your girlfriends has ever gone down on you during your period?” Katya was incredulous.

“No. I mean, I never asked them to. I kinda grew up with the opinion that periods were gross and no one wanted to know about them never mind get all up in them. Guess it’s a bit of a hard thing to shake off, even now. Nobody had questioned it before.” Katya could see a smile forming. “Trust you to.” Trixie commented affectionately, twisting her neck as far as she could so she could glance at Katya and melt her heart for the millionth time that week.

Katya smirked. “Well, I am a mountain biking vampire witch from the future and I’m here to make it clear that there’s pretty much nothing that would prevent me from wanting to have sex with you. Like, your vagina could literally be a fucking oozing scab that I’d have to lick over and over and I would do it.” 

“Thank you...I think.” Trixie laughed and Katya spent the next twilight hour showing her just how much she meant what she had said. 

The rest of their day was spent separately, Katya once more attending both of Raja’s classes with Violet, Fame and Pearl. Trixie took the morning off and lay in the sun, trying not to down all of her painkillers in one go. Katya checked on her at every opportunity she could and entrusted Ginger with the responsibility of being Trixie’s nurse. “Great.” Ginger had drawled but Katya saw the glint in her eye. 

That night, Raja had arranged pillows and blankets around a makeshift campfire out by the back of the yoga studio, piling wood upon the dusty ground, circling rocks around his formation. Everyone gathered to watch the fire alight, sticks in hand, ready and eager to toast some s’mores complete with gelatine free marshmallows. The flames towered and reflected in everyone’s eyes as they sat and watched, hypnotised by their dance in the refreshingly chilly breeze. Katya wanted to tell Trixie about what she had done the day before but reasoned it wasn’t the time, even if it was the place.

Katya looked around at the group that had come to be her home away from home. Kennedy was bickering with Ginger over the best brand of chocolate, staunchly refusing to accept Hershey’s as a quality product. Kasha and Tempest were deep in a hushed conversation which looked more intense than they probably realised. Violet and Fame were cuddled up and talking to Max about their past experiences with Bikram, Violet impersonating a particularly mean teacher she’d had who had turned her off of the style of practice once and for all. Pearl was sat, introspective, waving her marshmallow-ended stick around like a wand, absentmindedly. April and Michelle were discussing her insomnia. 

And Trixie…Trixie was draped over her lap, demanding to be fed because Katya wasn’t giving her her undivided attention. Katya didn’t even bother trying to resist her.

They spent the rest of their time outside in the same position and Katya both revelled in and feared the fact that she was so unbelievably comfortable, stroking Trixie’s hair, holding her hand, kissing melted chocolate from the corners of her mouth, talking easily with everyone beside them like they were a unit now, a couple, even. She rubbed soothing circles over Trixie’s stomach. She sensed when her cramps were getting too much for her and gave her her tablets without her even asking for them. They had cultivated a sixth sense around each other and Katya was amazed at how she was calm about it all. 

When the majority of the group had gone to bed, Katya, Trixie, Fame, Pearl and Violet huddled together and were put in charge of ensuring the fire was extinguished safely once they were done. Katya could feel Trixie brace herself and then she proposed her idea to the others, wasting no time. 

“Oh my god, that would be brilliant. I’d love to do that. It’s great to see a lot more men get into makeup but the majority of my viewership is still women. It’s so interesting looking at Google Analytics and finding out demographics. I mean, it’s important for business as well but it’s just cool to see if there’s a 70 year old woman from Taiwan watching me review highlighters.” Fame waffled on, clearly excited by Trixie’s proposition regardless. 

“I’m in.” Pearl said. “I was looking at a programme where you can teach teen girls, like, the tech behind DJing and I was gonna do it but I hate kids so that would have been a disaster really. This is a nice bridge between what I’ve always done and something a little more worthwhile.”

“I’ve got loads of contacts with venues, if you need any help with that.” Katya felt Trixie bristle slightly at Violet’s assumption that she might not have any of her own. “I’m in too, of course. What will you be doing, Miss Russia?”

Katya’s mouth fell open, stomach lurching. She hadn’t considered herself a part of these plans. Not for one second. Trixie had mentioned the others several times and had also talked at length about wanting to debut some new songs she’d been inspired from this time away, to start writing when she returns home. She hadn’t included Katya. Katya only began to feel a little hurt once Violet had thrown out her presumptuous question. Katya could feel her muscles tense beyond her control, her body seizing up from both the expectation of deliverance and the chance that Trixie wouldn’t want her there, wouldn’t see the need for her. She wouldn’t blame her. From Trixie’s perspective, Katya thought, it didn’t seem like Katya could hold it together long enough to do anything worthwhile in front of an audience. 

“I, er…” She pushed out, eyes darting from Violet to the wilting flames. 

“If it’s not something you’d be comfortable with, I wouldn’t blame you one bit, but it might be useful for a female audience to get the chance to listen to someone who’s been through…” Fame trailed off, ducking her chin nervously, evidently fearful of overstepping her mark or revealing the secret they shared when she wasn’t sure who was aware of it or not.

“Addictions?” Katya supplied, nerves heightening her voice. She noted Violet and Pearl’s heads snapping towards her as quick as a shot, before they both tried to mask their surprise. She didn’t blame them. 

“I was thinking exactly that, actually.” Trixie said quietly, drawing Katya close and hugging her from behind. “I didn’t want to say straight away, in case it came across like ‘oh, Katya can talk about drugs ‘cause of course that’s what someone in recovery is expected to do’, y’know what I mean?” 

Katya twisted around so she could take a good look at Trixie. Her face was open and honest and, god, how she cared, how she thought about Katya like nobody outside of her support network had done before. She kissed her, a hard, closemouthed kiss that pushed Trixie back and caused her to fling out her hands onto the ground to stop herself toppling over altogether. Violet wolf whistled but Katya barely registered it, too intent on how Trixie’s breath caught in her throat, how she had managed to have caught her off guard.

When they broke apart, Katya turned her body fully around and kept her face close to Trixie’s, whispering, “Would I not bum everyone out? Do you think I could even do it, speaking in front of such a large crowd?” 

“I have every faith that you would do your best. I know your purpose is to give other people a chance to hear the knowledge and advice you’ve learnt yourself. It’ll be like your normal job, in that sense, just on a slightly grander scale...” 

“Slightly.” Katya’s mouth upturned and Trixie kissed where her skin creased and wrinkled. “I’ll think about it. I would love to be involved in any way I can. I just wouldn’t want to let anyone down if I freaked out.” 

“That’s understandable.” Trixie said, giving her another kiss before giving the middle finger to Violet who was mocking them affectionately, making over the top kissing noises towards Pearl, who looked positively not amused. 

“Whatever happens, we’ll all be there for each other anyway. I still get horrendously nervous when I host events or do meet ups. Like, even after so long, it’s those things that can trigger my thoughts towards alcohol and sometimes I have to get someone else to remind me of the good I’m doing and how far I’ve come and their voice overrides my own.” Fame shivered, whether from the night air or the prospect of ever going back to how things were, wrapping a blanket around her pale shoulders and extending her feet further towards the now-feeble fire.

Katya knew all too well that no matter how long had passed, she was an addict for life. It sounded bleak when she said it out loud and people had often given her a disapproving look for being so ‘negative’. It wasn’t negative, they just didn’t understand how the whole thing worked and that being an addict wasn’t some colossal shame to carry around like a heavy, wooden cross. 

Getting into bed that night was a relief. Katya tried to push her turbulent worries regarding Trixie’s event away, reasoning that nothing was set in stone yet, that it might not even come to fruition and that Trixie surely wouldn’t judge her for whatever she decided to do. Trixie climbed in after her and immediately gathered her in her arms, kissing her hairline and nosing behind her ear. She trailed her hand down Katya’s bare arm, drawing invisible patterns with her index finger on top of the tattoos already there. 

“Which is your favourite?” Trixie asked, motioning up and down. Katya had amalgamated a lot of tattoos in a short space of time over the previous year and she loved how much Trixie loved them. She wouldn’t have taken Trixie for someone who found tattoos hot but she gravitated towards them every time Katya was naked, every time Trixie had a spare moment when they were in bed together or lounging by the pool, to caress where they were placed, carefully enough so that they never overlapped and eclectic enough so that they complimented Katya’s overall air of eccentricity. 

“Probably my cards.” Katya rotated her arm so Trixie could stroke her tricep where her other tattoo was. 

“How come?” Trixie kissed each corner of the design. 

“I got pretty into tarot during my latest recovery period. My friend, Vada, does readings and we’d spend hours sometimes, going into it all. She’d give me readings over Skype even, she was always on call for me and tarot was a big comfort when I felt uncertain about my sobriety.” 

“I can see why these are important to you then.” Trixie said. “Did they hurt?” 

“Like a bitch!” Katya exclaimed and cackled when Trixie flinched at her sudden outburst.

“I don’t think I’m very good with pain. I might get a tattoo in the future though, if it seems right. Never say never, y’know.” 

“You’d look hot with some.” Katya grinned. “You look hot without.” Pulling Trixie in for a deep kiss, she smiled, content with Trixie caressing the designs upon her skin, lightly scratching the uneven lines of her own illustrations given a permanent mutation. 

They lay together in silence, Katya watching where Trixie’s fingers danced and swirled. She couldn’t help but think now, as there was nothing else to divert her attention, about what Trixie said regarding Kim and Farrah. She wasn’t an idiot, she knew any reasonable friend would be wary of her, to say the least. She’d never needed to seek the approval of strangers - her only experience was of trying to convince doctors and therapists that she was all fixed and ready to go.

“Could you imagine me as your girlfriend?” Katya asked, the forwardness of her question coming unexpectedly, causing her to sit up abruptly, shifting Trixie off of her. She covered her open mouth with her sweating palm. “Shit, sorry, that— I didn’t mean to—”

Trixie sat up slowly, keeping the distance between them, and Katya’s heart raced from the possibility that she had freaked her out too much this time, like she was overdue it. She had certainly freaked herself out. (How had she not broken Trixie yet? How was she still as patient as at the start?)

“Look,” Trixie sighed, clearly not expecting to be having The Conversation, especially after such an emotionally taxing day. Katya felt guilty as Trixie met her gaze, “I want that. I’m a total Pollyanna, like, you’re into me, I’m into you, surely this can work no matter the distance or the circumstances...Sometimes I can imagine it and then sometimes it’s more difficult. But I’ve been imagining it. A lot. And I have a feeling you have too, else you wouldn’t have asked me this.”

Katya looked into her lap where she was fidgeting with the bedsheets, crumpling them anxiously. Trixie’s admission should have delighted her. It was what she had been hankering after, after all. Shame ate at her nonetheless. She understood how stupid it was to put all the responsibility onto Trixie, to expect her to take control over this aspect of their relationship so Katya didn’t have to shoulder the potential burdens of anything going awry, but the truth was that she didn’t know how to steer them both safely, to look into the eye of the storm and have it be plain sailing from thereon out. 

She couldn’t hurt Trixie. She’d survived a lot of things but that would be something she would never recover from. 

“Kat,” Trixie coaxed her to face her again, “I know it hasn’t been long and I know this is new, but the end of this trip is creeping up on us. I can only imagine how scary it is to feel like this when you’re not used to it...” Trixie shuffled closer, cupped Katya’s face in her hands, “I’m not going to pull you along behind me, though. You’ve got to walk beside me. D’you get me?”

Katya pushed herself forward, nodding as she kissed Trixie with a knockout force, the clumsiness of her emotive actions causing her to bump her forehead into Trixie’s a little too harshly. “Sorry.” She mumbled against Trixie’s open mouth. “Sorry.” She repeated, for everything else. When they broke apart, Katya looked deeply into Trixie’s eyes, took both her hands in her own and brought them to her chest, to her heart where it threatened to give out for all she was putting it through. “I’m with you.” The first inklings of a grin passed across her face. “You’re trapped now, Tracy.”

Trixie mirrored Katya’s expression and kissed her over and over. When they broke apart, Katya lay them both back down, stroking Trixie’s hair as her head rested on Katya’s chest. “I feel like I can say anything to you.” Trixie’s tone was serious, her voice was quiet with tiredness but perked when she quipped, “It does help that you’re, y’know, off the deep end and grizzled ‘cause I’m never gonna shock you.” 

Katya wheezed into Trixie’s hair, enamoured by how she balanced her heartfelt declaration with an equally heartfelt insult. “Oh yeah.” She felt Trixie cling to her tighter. “That first night— I’m an open book but it felt so natural to just tell you shit about myself. I never had much doubt that you’d value what I told you, that I wouldn’t have my words thrown back in my face later down the line.”

“I’m glad. I cared about you already.”

“I cared about you already then too.” Katya kissed Trixie’s hairline. “I care about you now. A lot.”

Trixie’s body relaxed even further into Katya’s, molded to her jutting angles and weighed down on her, anchoring her without restriction. Katya could sense her smile against her breastbone, the delicate shift of her lips brushing against her skin. “If everything goes to plan and I actually managed to organise this event, you have no choice but to fly out and see me in LA.” 

“Good. Because I was planning on coming anyway. I’m like herpes - you can’t get rid of me!”


	8. Samadhi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I finished this story today, in the sun, surrounded by dragon flies and birds near glimmering pond water, and immediately went home to proof read once the sun was setting. I might have shed a tear. Not to toot my own horn but I'm incredibly proud of what I've done here. I'm a poet at heart and haven't written any one thing as long as this. Ever. Thank you to everyone who has read or given feedback in some way. Tbh, even if no one else so much as glanced at this, I would still be as chuffed - it's brought me so much joy.
> 
> As I've mentioned, I've got my idea for my next story, which I'll probably start writing tomorrow jwdohjeioh. I'm wondering whether you'd prefer I post the whole story in one go or in chapters over time like I have done here? Let me know if you want :) 
> 
> Thank you, again.

Three days before the end of the retreat, the group were given the day off. No activities, no classes, just uninterrupted time to appreciate Ru’s Farm, to relax in the sunshine and breathe like they were all absolute embodiments of peace itself. The sky seemed even clearer than previously, beams of sunlight projected at clean angles throughout the buildings, their giant windows enabling brightness to permeate every corner, every speck of space. A pleasant breeze swept across the outside areas, making it a lot less oppressive to sunbathe nonstop. 

Trixie and Katya got up early that morning to secure two well positioned loungers. They ate their breakfast - an array of fruits and granolas - before taking chilled smoothies and a jug of infused water out with them to the poolside. “Now this feels like a holiday.” Trixie commented. Katya smirked. Trixie sometimes still pretended she wasn’t into yoga, that her salty remarks were genuine, not an act she put on when she forgot she was actually enjoying herself. Katya was fascinated every time she slipped up and laughed at her like she had told one of her carefully crafted jokes. 

For a short while, it was just the two of them out there and Katya pictured them in Hawaii, maybe, or even Palm Springs, on a proper vacation. She wondered whether they would get bored of each other, whether an activity-free week would be enough before petty arguments began. She couldn’t imagine getting annoyed with Trixie, falling out with her over inanities such as wet towels on the bathroom floor and mini bar doors being left open, like she assumed most couples experienced. She could much more easily imagine Trixie becoming sick of her, however, and she swiftly pushed the thought away, returned her focus to Trixie’s face, bliss radiating from her upturned mouth, her closed eyes and tranquil body language. 

Trixie was wearing a 50s style bikini, her underwired top pushing her breasts upwards and together, leaving Katya’s mouth practically watering. Rivulets of sweat ran beneath the magenta material, as well as pooling where her stomach dipped as she reclined. Katya wanted to lick up every drop, would have in a shot were it not for the others bound to appear soon enough. 

Part of her wanted to take her, right there and then, spread her legs each side of her lounger, bury her face in her cunt and eat her out until the whole damn place could hear her scream, no care or consideration for being viewed in the open air. Katya shifted, uncomfortably hot all of a sudden, pulsing. 

“What’s wrong?” Trixie asked, rolling her head to the side so she could peer at Katya over the rim of her sunglasses. 

“Horny.” She stated plainly. 

“Again? As if we haven’t been fucking multiple times every day?” She affected being affronted but Katya was too attuned to her now not to miss the smirk, the satisfied tone of her voice. 

“The beautiful outdoors and your huge tits have me feeling some type of way.”

Trixie scream-laughed. “Oh wow, you truly sound like an old person being all ‘hey, fellow kids!’” 

Regardless of Trixie’s ribbing, Katya couldn’t help flit to another fantasy, to visions of her climbing atop of Trixie, roughly pulling down her bikini bottoms, flipping her over and thrusting into her from behind. In her mind, she saw herself from above, totally covered up to contrast Trixie’s vulnerable nakedness, reaching around Trixie’s hips with her free hand to tease at her clit, pulling back and away whenever Trixie was getting too close. Trixie would arch her back, Katya thought, would moan salaciously as Katya scissored her fingers, easing her further open so she could get deeper, touch her more roughly but still with indescribable care. 

“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?” Trixie’s voice clawed its way back into Katya’s consciousness. She shook her head, bit her lip, raised her eyebrows in invitation, in the hope that Trixie would take the bait. Katya huffed when Trixie flopped back onto her lounger. She even closed her eyes! The sheer cheek of it all…

And then inspiration hit her, and she sprang up, her arousal temporarily curtailed by the sudden movement. “I need to—” She cut herself off, not giving much of anything away before jamming her feet into her flip flops and heading back to their room. She didn’t look back, didn’t show any consideration towards Trixie, despite her being all she could think of, all she was desperate to gorge upon. She needed Trixie to be surprised, for her curiosity to run into overdrive. Nevertheless, the thought that she might just leave her be, leave her to her own desires also riled her up even more.

She barged through the door, threw herself onto the bed and immediately shoved her hand down her bikini bottoms, cupping herself with more pressure than she would usually and reflexively bucking up into her own fingers, seeking gratification, the pleasure Trixie wasn’t giving her. She tilted her pelvis forward, starting massaging herself a little each side of her clit, not going full force just yet, holding off just in case. The idea of Trixie coming to find her, walking in on her like this turned her on more than she could comprehend in that utterly addled moment. She was tameless, moaning and writhing on top of her crumpled sheets, getting wetter and wetter from the lasting images of her poolside fantasies. 

Her fingers began to slip as she coated them, moving purposefully away from where she truly wanted them most and making circular motions above her entrance, bringing her fingers lightly up every now and then to send a jolt of pleasure throughout her succumbing body.

She thought of what Trixie would do if she was there, held her breath as she imagined her crouched between her trembling thighs and licking her in that teasing way she did so well. She moaned as she recalled the feeling of Trixie’s breasts brushing against her, the caress of her hair when it fell out of place, the bloom of gratification she experienced every time Trixie told her how hot she was, and how detailed she could be when analysing her actions, splaying her open both physically and with her honest words. 

Katya squeezed her breast as her other hand rested for a while, aching from forbearance. She let her soaked fingers dry, inspecting how they had wrinkled, wiping them off against the sheets, and she ached for Trixie to witness her do that, for her to come and take her fingers in her mouth instead and taste every last drop of her. 

Katya loved her. She loved her so much and it terrified her but in the way that anything truly exciting did, like if she were to parachute out of an airplane above a canyon and willingly fall towards the impenetrable, jagged rocks. Despite the panic, she knew she was safe. Even if Trixie decided not to pursue a relationship with her, even if she ghosted her completely, Katya was comforted by the knowledge that, for the first time, it wouldn’t end her. It would hurt but it wouldn’t _kill._

And part of why she was so sure about that was because she was certain - could feel it in her bones and her bloodstream - that Trixie wasn’t about to throw her aside. She was all in. Katya was overcome by it every time they fucked, every time Trixie kissed her, bit her where she liked it. Katya would happily smother herself if it meant all she could breathe in was Trixie’s scent. No one had had that effect on her before. So she knew. She loved her. 

Picking up her pace again, she thought of the many ways she could tell Trixie. How she could whisper it against the dip of her back or scream it as she was coming from her fervent tongue or blurt it as she laughed at one of Trixie’s sniping comebacks or add it as an afterthought to one of her own many long and winding tangents. The possibilities were endless and the mere suggestion to herself of disclosing her love worked her closer and closer to climaxing, that tantalising mix of fear and excitement thrilling her almost as much as her own touch did. 

She almost didn’t catch the footsteps in the corridor, the pause at their door. She didn’t need to put on a show, was already audibly panting so anyone walking past their room could hear her. It was Trixie, she knew, by the way the person listened in, by how they didn’t rush away, embarrassed, knowing what they had stumbled upon. Their presence was deliberate. 

Katya was undoubtedly a few more touches away from coming. She dragged her fingers up, through her pubic hair, up towards her navel, her chest. She played with her nipples, watched the trail of wetness cool on her fluttering stomach and waited for whatever Trixie would decide.

The sound of the key card brought the biggest smirk to her face and she tipped her head back, moaned as she pinched herself roughly in just enough time for Trixie to walk in and see. 

She felt her before she heard her, stealthy and sneaking to kneel up at the end of the bed and peer down at her, at her pussy dripping and her skin red and blotchy and sweaty. “Oh wow, you really meant it, huh?” Trixie said in that flat-toned way of hers that Katya couldn’t imagine not hearing every day. She came to sit back on her heels. Her knees touched Katya’s left shin and Katya stopped altogether. 

Having Trixie there, after what she had just been thinking about and getting herself off to, was electric. She wanted to convey it by eye contact alone but realised she probably just looked wild and manic and desperate to be fucked. Not the tender admission she might have favoured…

“I don’t lie - anymore. I might forget to mention a few important things,” Katya caught Trixie schooling her features so she didn’t laugh, “But I definitely don’t lie.” She stated confidently, her hands frozen in place on her chest, wrists loose and flimsy. 

Trixie cocked her head to the side, stared her down. “So you’ve not lied to me?”

“No.” Katya rushed to say, her forehead creasing and her eyebrows scrunching together in confusion.

“When you said I was the best you ever had, that was one hundred percent the truth? And when you told Fame that I’m your favourite person—”

“How did—” Katya tried to interrupt, to no avail.

“That was completely true too?” Trixie acted coy but, god, did she know what she was doing, Katya thought.

“Yes.” 

“So if I asked you some things - anything - now, whilst you finish yourself off, you’d answer me with total honesty?”

Katya inhaled sharply, her arousal returning with a vengeance. “Of course.” And then, because she really was head over heels, she did the one thing she had never expected of herself, apart from fall in love. She said, “Tell me what to do.”

“Keep your nipples hard. That’s all I want for now.” 

Katya watched her intently as she did as she was told, rubbing and pinching and picking up where she left off. She tracked Trixie’s every minute movement, as Trixie bit down on her bottom lip, as she leant forward to get a better view, as she rested on her hands causing her boobs to push together. A moan escaped Katya’s lips and Trixie’s breath stuttered, cheeks colouring more than they had already from the heat. 

“Open your legs wider, I want to see exactly how wet you got.” Katya, who couldn’t resist an opportunity, no matter how small, to break the rules a little, flung her left leg over Trixie’s thighs to clamp them down and her right over to the opposite corner of the bed. Trixie had to lean to get to see what she wanted. Katya’s grasp on her breasts began to get more forceful and frenzied. Her breath was laboured and she ached to touch herself (or be touched) between her legs again. 

“Pretty wet, apparently.” Trixie hummed. “Bring your hands to your inner thighs.” Katya followed her instruction, pulling on the flesh there as if she were holding on for dear life. “Who have you fucked the most times? Not counting your former clients.”

Katya was that inflamed that merely hearing Trixie say ‘fuck’ evoked another moan, which seemed to have been brewing deep within her chest. She was sure she would soon have bruises on her thighs in the shape of her futile fingers. “I don’t know for sure but it’s probably you.” Katya was pleased that she was able to sound relatively steady when speaking. By the upturn of the corner of Trixie’s mouth, it was clear she hadn’t fooled her for a single second. 

Trixie came to hold onto Katya’s ankle, stroking over her achilles tendon. “And is there any fantasy or, like, expectation I’ve not fulfilled for you yet?” 

Katya’s hands began to shake from how tightly she was gripping onto herself. It took all her willpower not to pounce on Trixie, push her facedown into the mattress and have her way with her, enact every filthy scenario she could conjure. Her thoughts culminated, too fast and frequent for her to pinpoint one over the other straight away. But then she found her voice and detailed, “I want to take you from behind. I’d still have all my clothes on and you’d be bare for me with your fucking perfect ass sticking up, ready and waiting. I’d fuck you rough and hard and you’d be so fucking loud that everyone in a ten mile radius would know exactly what I was doing to you.”

Trixie gasped, shifted, and her hips rotated so she could rub herself over her heel, getting her first bout of friction however she could. Katya couldn’t control herself any longer, cupped herself and tilted towards her own sweating palm. “Stop. Right now.” Trixie tried to sound commandeering but her own arousal was wearing her down. 

If it weren’t for how intrigued she was to see where all this would go, Katya would have demanded Trixie to make her, would have given her some attitude and put up a fight. Instead, she trailed her hand all the way up to run through her knotting hair, tugging at the strands at the crown of her head, arching her back and letting her eyes fall shut.

“Fuck.” Trixie whispered and Katya wondered if she would give up her game. “Do you have any idea how much better about myself you make me feel?”

Katya’s eyes shot open at that. This wasn’t the type of question she expected and she briefly wondered whether Trixie had caught herself off guard too. “I do?” Katya asked, noting how open and vulnerable Trixie appeared, whilst the flush spreading down her neck to her chest simultaneously reinforced how turned on she was. Katya was doing that to her. 

“I felt so shit before I got here. At the start I couldn’t quite believe that practicing yoga everyday really had such an impact. It just seemed like one of those stupid things people say when they know you have depression.” Trixie put on a high pitched valley girl voice. “Have you tried yoga? It works wonders!” Katya huffed a laugh, didn’t add to the conversation for fear of delaying what Trixie was about say. “But then doing Michelle’s classes actually started to help me and getting to know you...You don’t realise how amazing you are and the way you treat me and, like, uplift me without being overly intentional about it is really helping me get back my self worth.”

Katya couldn’t stop herself. She sat up, grabbed Trixie’s shoulders, turned her and pushed her down onto her back. The strength of Katya’s movement caused the bed springs to creak, Trixie’s body bouncing until she settled with a quick, loud exhale. For how sudden she had been, now, with the weight of what Trixie had conveyed, the sight of her wide eyed and pliant below her stunned her still. Perched above her, hands each side of her head, Katya stared, mouth agape. _Holy shit._

Katya didn’t know who budged first but lips crashed upon lips and hands squeezed at flaring skin and everything was so wonderful and instantaneous that she couldn’t keep the words from flying out of her. “I think I love you.” She gasped into Trixie’s mouth. “I think I love you and it doesn’t scare me and I’m trying to be as good as you say I am because you are as good as I say you are and—”

And Katya couldn’t say anything else because Trixie crashed their mouths together again and pulled her as close as humanly possible and brought her fingers in between her folds to rub once, twice - only twice - and Katya was coming, hard and fast and with an ecstatic squeal that she would have been mortified about in any other situation. “_Fuck_!”

Her chest heaved as she came down, seeing stars. She sat back on Trixie’s hips, straddling her. It took her a while to realise Trixie was canting up to try and get some stimulation. Her eyes were screwed shut and the look of sheer pleasure on her face was more than enough to promptly shake Katya out of her post-orgasmic daze. She leant over Trixie. “Open your mouth, honey.” She said, gently but with a hint of her usual dominance. 

Trixie sucked on Katya’s fingers, curled her tongue around them and coated them sufficiently so that when Katya retracted, a string of spit flowed down to her knuckle. “I can taste you.” Trixie murmured, leaning up to graze Katya’s lips. “I can’t get enough of it.”

Katya raised herself onto all fours, hooking her fingers under the waistband of Trixie’s bikini bottoms and swiftly tugging them down and off. Trixie gasped at being exposed so suddenly, eyelids fluttering closed and cheeks colouring. “Spread your legs.” Katya instructed, leaving Trixie enough room to take up as much space as she needed.

Katya dove in, no teasing, no easing open. She ate Trixie out, her tongue lapped at her entrance and her nose jammed against her clit. Trixie was wetter than Katya had ever felt her and soon enough, she deemed her ready.

Pulling away, Katya licked her lips, her face covered, filthy. “Fuck, look at you.” Trixie moaned at the sight and Katya preened, allowing herself a few seconds to revel in Trixie’s adoring gaze before bringing her attention back to enacting the idea that had been driving her crazy all morning.

She roughly took hold of Trixie’s hips, her hands full from her soft flesh, bountiful as if she were made in such a way as to test how much Katya could grab each time. She tugged so that Trixie’s entire right side lifted off the bed and pushed her the rest of the way. Trixie let out a sharp exhale, face squished half against a pillow, half against the mattress so her neck was at an odd angle. Katya got off the bed, grasped Trixie’s ankles and pulled her further down so she was lying on her front completely flat. Katya saw the red marks on her skin where her bikini top had been digging in and unhooked it to free her, expose her even more. Trixie was naked and willing, starting to raise her hips, tauntingly, so that her ass was in the air. She wanted this as much as Katya did.

Katya knelt behind her and eased her hands from Trixie’s shoulders to her lower back, to her ass, where she massaged, pulling her cheeks apart, studying where she had hair and where she’d purposefully removed it. Every little thing about Trixie interested her like she was her specialist subject, from the dispersal of blemishes on her skin to the way she’d accidentally insult someone because her delivery was often so dry. 

“I know you said you weren’t into any kinky shit, but an ass like that deserves a spank or two, even just gently.” Katya smirked although Trixie couldn’t see. “I promise to kiss it better.” 

Trixie huffed a laugh, buried her face deeper as if embarrassed. “Alright. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m letting you do this.” 

“You must really like me then, hey?” 

“Hmm, you’re acceptable for now.” 

Katya took the opportunity. It presented to her almost as wonderfully as Trixie herself, keening for her touch. Slotting her hands underneath Trixie’s stomach, she brought her upwards so her ass was pressed against Katya’s pubis. Katya rocked against her so her pubic hair tickled Trixie’s skin, where goosebumps began to rise and sweat mixed with leftover sun cream. Then, she eased backwards as if she was about to sit on an invisible ledge, her thigh muscles barely straining despite the effort it took, and brought her hand up, diagonally, aiming for where it would hurt Trixie least. 

The smack resounded in their room, otherwise silent apart from their desperate breaths mingling together. Katya didn’t use much force, wanted her hand to treat Trixie instead of sting her. As soon as she made contact with Trixie’s ass, Trixie moaned so loud that Katya couldn’t quite believe it was her underneath her. Of course, she was talkative and could rival the best porn star out there for how she conveyed her pleasure, but that time was beyond merely vocal. It was guttural, primal.

“You like that?” Katya asked, her question redundant, before dipping her head and licking over where she had slapped Trixie, not waiting for an answer. There were no marks and none would appear - she was precise and careful enough - but she wanted to look after her nonetheless. She pressed a wet, open mouthed kiss over a certain spot and brought her fingers to Trixie’s cunt to check just how aroused she was. 

Trixie moaned again and wiggled to try and get Katya’s fingers against her properly. Katya took them away. “I _had_ planned to just fuck you quick and hard and have you coming in record time.” She mused aloud. “But first…”

She administered another slap, then two right after the first, planting them on each cheek, on mirrored spots, nearer to Trixie’s hip bones than otherwise. Trixie gasped, called out each time. “You can do it a bit closer to my…” Trixie trailed off but Katya caught her meaning. She didn’t want to overdo it and overwhelm Trixie, so for her last slap, she brought her hand to the centre of her right cheek. “_Yes_.” 

Katya got Trixie to brace herself on her forearms, ducked so her face was as close to Trixie as she could get it and laved her skin over and over. Trixie whined, pushed back on Katya’s tongue and shifted to direct her to her pussy but Katya was having none of it. She gripped the back of Trixie’s neck, shoved her into the mattress, kept her ass in the air and slid two fingers inside her, retracting them almost as quick. This was as rough as she’d been with Trixie and, whilst she fully understood that Trixie was no delicate flower, she had been enjoying keeping everything more loving. Because loving was what she was doing, in that moment and in every other. 

“Katya.” Trixie whimpered as she practically fucked herself on Katya’s fingers, Katya barely having to move once she’d settled into a rhythm. Trixie met her more than half way. “More.” 

Katya scissored her fingers then went deeper, as deep as she could, reveling in the reality of being inside Trixie, of being the one she tried something different with, of being the lucky witness to Trixie losing herself, wholly and unselfconsciously. It was an absolute dream to watch the arch of her spine and the jiggle of her ass and the trembling of her arms as she rocked back and forth, quicker and quicker before coming with a scream, uninhibited and raw and so fucking hot that Katya was wet again already.

“Oh my god.” Trixie flopped, pillowed her head in her folded arms, body utterly lax. As she made her way up the bed, Katya kissed Trixie’s ass a few more times for good measure, then her shoulders. She draped herself over Trixie, tangling their legs together and trying to position herself so that her hip bones wouldn’t dig into Trixie too much. She leant in to press a kiss to Trixie’s cheek.

They lay there like that for a while, comfortably silent and restful, as if they had both got something they needed to out of their systems. The imminence of their departure (and thus their separation) was a cloud over their heads they could only shake away for a few hours at a time. Then it would be back, creeping up on them. It started off unsuspectingly but, with two more days left, they became resigned to the bouts of dread, expected it and shared the quiet moments it would bring together. 

Eventually, they got up and returned to the pool where the others were sunbathing. “Here are the lovebirds.” Violet announced, Fame making a ‘witwoo’ noise and Pearl rolling her eyes. The group of them lounged together for the rest of the day, soaking up the sun, sipping non-alcoholic cocktails and taking turns to jump into the pool (Katya did a somersault dive, not quite managing to fully rotate in time so she belly flopped rather spectacularly, creating quite a splash for someone so small; Trixie purposefully cannonballed to wet Violet). 

As the late afternoon began to cool down, the group of them sat around either wrapped in sarongs or wearing oversized t-shirts. Trixie had left her things back in the room so Pearl joked that she should share her top like conjoined twins as it was big enough. They all fell about laughing when the two of their heads poked out of one ripped scoop neck.

“It’s going to be weird, not seeing you all every day. I’ve really got used to it.” Fame said once the hilarity had died down. Katya nodded because, without even realising before then, she felt the same. She’d spent a lot of time thinking about when she would next see Trixie and, if Trixie’s event went ahead, what it would be like to be reunited with everyone else, and she had thought about being back in Boston, but not specifically about going through her ordinary daily routine _without them_. For as much unease she had experienced at the start of the retreat from being away, the thought of returning was starting to give her those very same feelings. 

“Please tell me how I’m going to survive without you talking about yourself non-stop for twenty minutes at a time.” Violet responded sarcastically. The slight smile on her lips and sadness of her eyes undermined her cutting remark, however. 

“We all need to make sure we have each other’s numbers and socials and keep in touch.” Pearl said and there was unanimous agreement, the five of them promising to bring their phones to dinner so they could follow everyone’s instagrams and twitters and set up a group chat on WhatsApp. 

“I’m not ready to go back.” Trixie complained.

“Me neither.” Katya said.

“You two have had quite the good time, eh?” Violet raised her already-dramatic eyebrows and Katya wheezed.

“You can’t even begin to imagine, miss thing.”

-

Katya was panicking and she was trying really, very hard not to. She hadn’t slept much the night before but, thankfully, had managed to sneak out of their room without waking Trixie and had slunk back into bed in the early hours of the morning undetected. Trixie only found her out when she woke to the stench of a whole pack’s worth of cigarette smoke in Katya’s hair. She’d brushed it off as restlessness and kissed away Trixie’s enquiries. 

The truth of it all was this: Katya had told Trixie she thought she was in love with her. Trixie hadn’t responded and hadn’t brought it up since. Katya had thought she had built a stable and fulfilling life for herself in Boston. Trixie lived in LA, the place Katya now associated with her incredible retreat experience (Joshua Tree was part of California, LA was part of California - Katya wasn’t a geographer so to her it was all the same) and the feeling of properly accepting herself for the first time in her entire life. Katya didn’t want to leave Ru’s Farm but she also yearned to be able to flourish anywhere in the world, for it was her connection to inner peace and stability that would enable her. Did she have that longevity? 

Katya was panicking. And she was in scorpion pose. It felt suitably poetic, to be bracing all of her weight on her forearms, splaying and balancing her legs at a precarious angle so that even one small sway would topple her over completely and do her some real damage. She took long, deep breaths and stared fixedly at one secure point slightly in front of her mat. Sweat beaded and ran down the side of her cheek, the bridge of her nose. It started to get into her eyes and sting and she wondered if she was actually crying without realising again and if Raja would have to come to her rescue once more, too. She wanted desperately to be able to handle this blip herself - in two days she wouldn’t have these beautiful people to rely on.   
“On your next out breath, come into child’s pose.” Raja instructed. “Clasp your hands at your lower back.” Katya focussed on Raja’s voice, on the feeling of her knuckles aligning, coming together, on how her heart exerted to keep her going. “Patanjali said that the sequence of mutation occurs in every second, yet is comprehensible only at the end of a series. We might not always feel like we’re on top of things, or that we’re reaching our goals but everything takes time. As we come to the end of this class and as we come to the end of this retreat, I want you to consider this sutra and take it with you beyond these four walls.” 

Settling into Shavasana, Katya cradled Pantanjali’s wisdom in the centre of her forehead and let the tension free from her body, one part at a time. She imagined it spreading throughout her, like Raja’s delivery of it was smoothing out any creases, any knots and stress to her muscles from holding her poses at the same time as holding her anxiety. Going back home was the end of this particular series but it helped to understand that there would be many more, and that she would only feel the true benefits of her time at Ru’s Farm when she was away from it. She managed to clear her mind, totally release her body from its rigidity and listen to her breath and her breath alone.

At the end of class, Raja brought everyone up to sitting. They chanted Om three times, raised their arms wide above their head and brought their palms together, down to their heart centre. “Thank you for sharing your practice today. Let’s honour our time here, on and off the mat. Namaste.” Raja brought his hands to his forehead and bowed, closing their session with a gentle smile. “As always, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to come and speak to me.” 

Katya felt like everything in the past ten minutes or so had been a sign from the universe to her. And now, as Raja was sat on his mat, catching her eye whilst those before him packed up, Katya knew the right thing to do. She left her mat and came to sit in front of him, mirroring his position.

“Got a question for me or are you just that eager for this afternoon’s class?” Raja joked, knowing.

“Whilst I can’t get enough, for sure, I was just...I don’t know. I had a bit of a panicky feeling come up about leaving and then you picked that particular sutra. I guess I just want to say thank you. It resonated.” She shrugged a little.

“I’m glad. Anything in particular about leaving that’s worrying you?”

Katya nodded. “I want to be able to replicate the contentment I’ve found here. I’m w— no, scared, I’m _scared_ that I won’t be able to without you all. Without this.” She waved her arms around as if to indicate exactly what she meant, even when she wasn’t one hundred percent sure herself. 

“It won’t be the same, Katya. Retreats aren’t a model for how life in the real world will be here on out. They’re a chance to reintroduce yourself to yourself, to relax, to eat, to meet people.” Raja smirked at that and Katya did too. “Most importantly, retreats give you what you need so you can use it in the future. You don’t need Michelle and I breathing down your neck to release tension or whatever. You know that, you’ll remember it when you practice yourself. The same goes for any part of your time here that you’ve found enlightening. You’re not going to forget it. It’s with you for life, for every sequence of mutation.”

Katya looked down into her lap, smiled, understood. “Thank you. For everything. This has been the best two weeks of my life. My memory can be temperamental at times but I’m now in that place where I can determine what’s important, what’s real, and what’s not.”

“It’s been an absolute pleasure. If you do need anything, don’t hesitate to email me.”

“I appreciate that. I’ll try not to send you pictures of bad taxidermy by mistake.” Katya left the studio to the sound of Raja laughing. She held her head high, closed her eyes and felt the heat of the sun on her face, the brightness of the day gather her up and propel her onwards and upwards. She vowed to soak up every last bit of her retreat. 

She met up with the others at their spot by the pool. Trixie jumped up to greet her, kissing her square on the mouth and pulling her into her side. Katya felt protected. “Hi, hello there, how are you, hello.” She beamed and Trixie laughed at her odd greeting. 

“We’re here too, you know!” Violet exclaimed, affecting displeasure.

Katya huffed a laugh, moved delicately out of Trixie’s hold and jumped atop of Violet where she lay to the right of Fame and Pearl. “Would you like a kiss too, sweety?” Katya made over the top kissy noises near Violet’s ear before she was unceremoniously shoved away.

“Oh my god, I take it back, don’t even look at me ever again.”

Trixie scream laughed and Katya trotted back to her, cackling along too. They sat together on the same lounger and the group discussed what they’d choose for lunch because that was their biggest problem right now and they all wanted to relish in that fact whilst they still could. 

After their afternoon class and meditation, Trixie and Katya went back to their room and fucked like animals until Trixie’s alarm signifying they had twenty minutes left to get ready went off. They showered together to “save time” but ended up getting each other off again and turning up to dinner late. “We all know what you were doing,” Ginger shouted to them from across the table when they hurried their apologies. “Just sit down and keep it PG.”

Katya watched fondly as Trixie wolfed down her food and tried her hardest not to talk at the same time. For once her hunger outweighed her need to chat. Katya smiled to herself and tucked in, too, appreciating the luxury of having food like this, of not having to feel guilty about eating takeout for the third night in a row because she couldn’t bring herself to cook. Boston still seemed like a whole world away but she was starting to think of her habits there and she was relieved to note how it didn’t give her a total fright like it had earlier that day. 

The whole group decided to stay up late with Michelle and Raja to watch the stars around the campfire. They didn’t have s’mores this time but they did have vegan brownies and Katya wasn’t one bit sorry for eating seven in a row. “Where do you even put it?” Kasha exclaimed. “You’re so slim!”

“I have the body of an Irish rock climber, don’t be fooled.” 

They all huddled together under blankets, watching the flames dance as the desert air cooled and mellowed. Pearl kept everyone entertained, absentmindedly playing with Violet’s hair. She recalled her experience visiting a shaman and completing the ritual of Kambo, detailing how the poison was administered and its effects, and how, despite throwing up an awful amount, it wasn’t much different to the Ayurvedic practice of Panchakarma - only instead of using ghee, you were given the secretion of an amazonian tree frog. Trixie’s eyes widened as the story went on and Katya couldn’t help but titter at her unfamiliarity with alternative medicinal traditions. 

The night rounded off with each of them naming one thing they would take away with them from the retreat. There were several mentions of listening to the body more than the mind, to slow down and take the time to breathe when things got too much and to return home with a more dedicated and understanding practice. 

“Mine is definitely to listen more.” Fame announced. “I’ve spent so much time either being in my head too much or talking too much but being here amongst such incredible women - and you, Raja - has allowed me to sit back and evaluate how I am and why that is and what I need to do in order to continue to grow. Whether that’s listening to someone else, listening to my instincts or just sitting to embrace some silence, I know I’ll be better off.”

The group nodded and smiled before Violet spoke up next. “A lot of what everyone has said applies to me too so I won’t repeat all that. Something I’ve only just thought about over the last couple of days here is not wearing makeup so much. I know that might seem silly compared to everything else we’ve discussed but I’m a very aesthetically driven person and my job relies on me turning out a look, y’know? It’s nice not having to bother about any of that during the day and I want to try and be in my natural state a bit more at home.”

“I’m trying that out, too.” Michelle chimed in.

Pearl was next and explained how she wanted to embody a new type of energy whilst simultaneously taking more time to relax and be out of the clubs. She still loved what she did and would never quit until it was really negatively impacting her life, but she knew how essential it was to regularly get a break to refuel. “This came at the perfect time.” She added. “From now on, I need to start actually making schedules that work for me.”

Then, it was Trixie’s turn and Katya was surprised (if not a little concerned) by how shy and withdrawn she had become all of a sudden. She immediately started to stroke her lower back, discrete from the rest of the group, to do whatever she could to ease her. “Sorry, I’ve been fine all day and now it’s just hitting me. I’m no doubt gonna start doing what I’ve always done when I’m uncomfortable and rely on humour but please know that I’ve had a great time here and that the one thing I’ll take away from this trip is Michelle’s details so I can start coming to her class on a regular basis back in LA.” 

“Yes, bitch!” Violet yelled and led the round of applause and general whooping that rang around the group instantaneously. 

“Can’t wait to see you there, doll.” Michelle grinned and gave Trixie a wink.

“So, last but not least is our very own Red Scare.” Raja announced, causing Katya to wheeze-laugh. She spread her legs wide open in the air and did jazz hands at her side, pulling everyone into hysterics.

Once the furore had died down, Katya took a deep breath, making brief eye contact with Trixie first to see her encouraging smile. “When I got here, you all let me show you that I’m good enough. And now, I actually, truly believe it myself, and I can’t thank you enough for that. For the first time, I feel like I’ll not only be alright in the big bad world, but like I’ll be great, no matter what happens, because of everything I’ve learnt. So this is what I’m taking with me: like they say in Russia, я звезда - навсегда. спасибо большое.” 

“What does that mean?” Trixie asked, voice soft and inquisitive.

“I have a carburetor outside that I just have to do some work on.” Katya replied comically, voice loud so she could reap the reaction from the group that she wanted. She would tell Trixie properly later but for now she wanted to lighten the mood, to play the fool and bring about some refreshing amusement amongst otherwise serious topics of conversation.

Michelle wiped a tear from her eye, caused by laughing or crying, or both, Katya wasn’t sure. “I’m going to miss you. All of you. This has been the best retreat I’ve held so far.”

They talked and talked until the flames died out and their voices began to give up on them, traitorously. They were taking every opportunity as the following night would be an early turn in - the coach back to LA was booked to leave at seven in the morning. Katya had devoured a grand total of eleven brownies and Trixie had resigned herself to the duty of rubbing her stomach as it gurgled and churned from overuse. “If you end up shitting the bed because of this, we’re over.”

By the time they stumbled to their room, Katya’s digestive system had kicked in and Trixie was (temporarily) assured that no shit would touch anywhere apart from the toilet. “You’re so sexy.” Trixie quipped as she got inside first and promptly took off her dress and bra. Katya watched, leaning against the closed door, as Trixie rubbed at where her underwiring had dug in from slouching for too long, as she massaged her shoulders where her straps had, too. The marks of femininity, Katya thought, easy for her to mock or escape sometimes because she was skinny and white and able in her body (though not always her mind). Trixie didn’t escape it and sometimes it was calculated and sometimes it wasn’t yet either way Katya couldn’t control how much she admired her beauty, natural or made up, because she was, without a doubt, stunning. The most beautiful thing Katya had ever laid her eyes upon. 

“Get over here.” Katya said once Trixie had zipped up her suitcase and stood almost naked, except for a delicate white thong. Trixie came to lean her forehead against Katya’s, shoulders hunching because of their height difference.

“You need to know, Katya,” Trixie said, forehead creased as she forced her eyes closed, looking positively pained, “You need to know that as soon as I say goodbye to you on Saturday, I’m going to text you nonstop and I’m going to call you every day and there won’t be a fucking minute that goes by where I won’t be missing you.”

Katya kissed where her skin wrinkled near her brows, over each eye, lashes tickling her lips. She kissed the tip of her nose and the curves of her top lip. She didn’t kiss her mouth. Instead, she brought her hands either side of Trixie’s face and coaxed her to look at her, so she could tell her how much better her days would be with Trixie a part of them. “Even if we aren’t physically together— it’s like Raja said to me. Just because I’m not there breathing down your neck, it doesn’t mean we won’t feel the things we’ve been feeling here.”

Trixie laughed. “Raja said _that_?”

“No, he said— the breathing thing was ab— never mind. You know what I mean, you bitch.”

“I know what you mean.” They both smiled, sadness tinging the edges but not taking them over. They studied each other, silent but for their breathing, in time, synchronised and circumambient. Katya wanted to memorise as much as she could of Trixie, hadn’t had the urge to draw and paint and create something to capture what she saw (and felt and adored) in such a long time. 

“Are you alright now?” Trixie asked. “I’m pretty sure you were gone, like, half the night, chain smoking.”

“You got me. I was fretting about leaving. Class helped, and Raja. It’ll be hard but it’ll be doable.” Katya found that she honestly believed herself.

“Yeah.” Trixie pecked her on the cheek. “As soon as I get back to LA, I’m gonna start enquiring about dates and venues for my event. Once I have a bit of an idea of a time frame and everything, we can start planning your visit.”

Katya kissed her properly in response, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her flush against her chest. “Can’t wait.” She said against Trixie’s lips before bringing their mouths together once more. Katya sucked on Trixie’s bottom lip, swiping her tongue across it and nibbling. Trixie inhaled sharply and brought her hands under the hem of Katya’s dress, raising it up so she could squeeze Katya’s ass and pull at her underwear, not down, not yet, but so the material went taut against her cunt, applied a teasing friction. 

Gathering all her strength, Katya brought her arms around to the top of the backs of Trixie’s thighs in order to hoist her up. Trixie moaned and wrapped her legs around Katya’s tiny waist. Though she struggled and was more out of breath than she would have liked by the time they reached the bed, Katya carried her and laid her down so her legs dangled off the edge. She yanked Trixie’s thong off, knelt on the floor and brought her face as near to Trixie’s pussy as she could without touching her. Then, she licked at her in long and achingly slow strokes but with a tantalising pressure that caused her jaw to ache in no time, which she dutifully ignored. As much as Katya wanted to ravish her, she wanted Trixie to luxuriate in pleasure, to have it drawn out for her as long as possible. 

Katya took her time, so much so that, by the end, Trixie was shaking all over, could barely articulate. She came silently but her body spoke for her, the way her limbs became rigid and her toes curled. Trixie calmed down from the high of it with her hands over her face. Katya’s heart swelled and that intense feeling didn’t stop the entire night. Not when Katya was riding Trixie’s face, not when she fingered her as Trixie ate her out, not when she held Trixie in her arms and made sure she was alright after their campfire confessions. Katya fell asleep thinking of all the ways she could continue to do her best by her. 

By morning, the end of the retreat didn’t seem as scary anymore because it was just the beginning for them.

-

The final day came and went quicker than Katya could ever have imagined. She managed to rouse herself to attend Raja’s morning class despite the self imposed lack of sleep she had had. Each session that day was programmed an hour earlier to give everyone time before dinner to pack and get themselves sorted for departure. 

The main sequences of the class focussed on opening the chest and offering the heart up towards the sky, to extend positive energy outwards rather than keeping it within. Katya liked how Raja started them with low level lunge, encouraging them to get their hips as close to the floor as possible without overshooting the knee, whilst simultaneously easing into a backbend and bringing their palms together overhead, index fingers pointing. As the progression built, they came into Ashta Chandrasana, before Ardha Chandrasana and Ardha Chandra Chapasana. They moved through revolved chair pose before their vinyasas and wild thing and wheel. Then Raja gave them some seated stretches to round off the class before Shavasana and Katya was well and truly floating in that enchanting place between being energised and tired out.

Katya had promised Trixie that she would go with her to Michelle in the afternoon so they could spend their last proper class of the retreat together. Katya was not only flattered that Trixie had considered such a thing, but was also curious to see Trixie’s development. They hadn’t taken many classes together, in the grand scheme of things, and, when they had, Katya had still been working through how to keep her mind balanced around Trixie.

All throughout lunch, Katya was excited. She animatedly talked with Fame about binge watching all her videos when she would get home and listened intently to Violet and Pearl discussing how, despite being in such visually centric careers, they (as well as Fame) would miss “slobbing about” in leggings and bare faces so much. She held onto Trixie the entire time, even when it became tricky to eat her food. She had her priorities. Trixie scream-laughed at her creepy voices she put on to talk exclusively in her ear and kissed her cheek when she made a particularly sweet remark, defending one of Trixie’s outfit choices from friendly critique. Adrenaline was slowly filling Katya up as she anticipated the night ahead before their goodbyes. 

As desperate as she was for some alone time with Trixie, Katya made sure to meet with Michelle one last time. They sat together by the pool, watching the water ripple and the ice in their glasses melt into their chai lattes. She didn’t mind being out in the open for their conversation anymore and couldn’t quite get her head around how much she would miss Michelle’s presence. “You need to make sure you come to one of my classes too, then.” Michelle winked, embracing Katya tightly and rocking her from side to side. 

“I’m hoping to come back to LA in the next couple of months.” Katya said.

“To see Trixie?” Michelle asked like she already knew the answer and, when Katya nodded, she grinned so tenderly that Katya had to pull her into a hug all over again.

“You’ve been so wonderful to me.” She gushed as Michelle kept a grounding grip on her hand, squeezing as Katya relayed everything she had found conducive, everything she appreciated and wanted to replicate in Boston. “It’s strange to think that I help people like me for a living and yet, before now, I’ve never treated myself the same way. There was always something I’d hold back from or hold onto so I couldn’t view whatever I was dealing with neutrally, or at least with more compassion. I’m not saying everything is going to be peachy keen one hundred percent of the time but...I feel like I can be kinder to myself from now on.”

Michelle brought her other hand to her heart. “I’m so glad to hear that. Do you think you met your intentions, then?” Michelle smiled, referring back to one of their first interactions and making Katya smile, too, from how it had become a little inside joke between them. 

“I think I have. I fucking have.”

She reunited with Trixie outside of the studio once Michelle had gone on ahead to prepare. Ginger was there too, with Tempest, Kasha and April. The mood was sombre but celebratory and Katya couldn’t help but feel it all tenfold. Their last session. It was monumental, to her at least, and she wasn’t reluctant to admit it aloud to the group who either hummed in vague agreement or added their own profession of unwillingness to acknowledge their time was coming to an end. Trixie held her and kissed her forehead and, when Michelle let them into the room, kept ahold of her hand for as long as she could. They sat on adjacent mats and gazed at each other until Michelle brought their attention to their practice. 

They started on their backs, noting every part of their body that met the ground. After a while of silence, Michelle’s voice eased everyone into a gentle bridge pose. She gave the option for them to raise their arms above their heads in sync with their breathing for the next round before instructing everyone to put their hands behind their knees and swing themselves up to sitting. There, Michelle gave them a range of side stretches and shoulder stretches before they got into cat and cow, moving into downward facing dog once their lower back had suitably warmed up. The group were given multiple options for their standing poses and Katya noticed, fleeting thoughts amongst concentrating and enjoying her own body’s performance, how looser Trixie seemed, how she could stay balanced for much longer and could keep her navel tucked in so her posture was more streamlined. 

By the end of the class, Katya couldn’t stop smiling. That was what she appreciated about Michelle’s approach to yoga. It was lighthearted but purposeful, fun yet stabilising. She enabled the joy to bubble up from deep within. Back in Shavasana, Katya was awed at how looked after she felt, then her mind cleared completely as she entered her meditative state and her breathing softened, just like the rest of her. And if she and Trixie held hands throughout, nobody (apart from Michelle) would know.

\- 

Trixie’s kisses were more addictive than any substance she’d used before. Usually, she would have scoffed at such a cheap saying, spewed nonchalantly by those who had never truly been involved with the mechanisms of drug dependence. But now she understood. She thought, as she slipped her tongue into Trixie’s needy mouth, she could easily spend the rest of life with her lips against Trixie’s. And it might have been for the fact that she wouldn’t have the privilege of doing so from the following day onwards, but Katya was rapacious. Trixie was struggling for breath and Katya just kept taking and taking and taking.

“The time has finally come,” Trixie managed to get out in between Katya’s kisses, “You’re literally going to murder me.”

“Does that turn you on?” Katya joked, ravishing her with sloppy licks into her mouth, getting her saliva onto her cheeks and chin, and roughly grabbing onto the hair at the back of her head. 

Trixie laughed into their next kiss. “Oh yeah.” She moaned exaggeratedly, pornographic, before forcefully pulling away and flopping down on the bed, her dress riding up and flashing Katya her lacy pink underwear. She’d saved the best for last, apparently, and had refused Katya even a peak when they were getting ready for dinner. Katya had sat through the whole evening, mind half crazed over imagining just what was beneath Trixie’s crimplene, and she didn’t feel one bit guilty.

There had been a toast of non-alcoholic sparkling wine and Michelle had made a heartwarming speech and there had been hugs and tears and the christening of the JT Yogis WhatsApp group, and Katya was wading through it all, trying not to let it overwhelm her or upset her too much. Having Trixie’s little taunt to run wild with drove her a different kind of insane and, as much as she was tormented, she welcomed the splitting of her focus. 

Katya needed a moment. She watched hungrily as Trixie opened her legs to give Katya a better look at what was between them. Katya smirked, dipped her chin. 

She turned her head to where the flowers Trixie had given her were close to dead on top of the bedside table next to the window. They had used one of the glasses from the bathroom as a mini, pathetic excuse for a vase and had to prop the flowers up at just the right angle against the wall to prevent the whole set up from toppling over. There’d only been one major spillage since that memorable evening and even though the petals were browning and curled, Katya couldn’t bear to move them even an inch, never mind throw them away and take them off their place of pride. She wanted them to be there even when she couldn’t be. 

“I think that was the one time I would have stood up in court to defend theft.” Trixie said.

Katya snickered and faced her again now she had breathed. “You’re an idiot.”

“Only for you.” Trixie crooned, promptly shook her head and followed up with, “No I’m a fucking idiot all the time, but it gets a billion times worse when I’m around you. You’ve rubbed off on me in more ways than one, clearly.”

“Want me to rub off on you now?” 

Despite the unoriginality of Katya’s line, Trixie scream-laughed and slapped the bed with her palms, kicking out with her legs. “Come here, you fuckin’ bitch.”

Katya crawled over Trixie, the appliqué of her jumpsuit dragging up Trixie’s bare legs in the process. Once she brought her face above Trixie’s, she came to lie down next to her, shifting her so their bodies mirrored each other. She cupped Trixie’s cheek gently with her hand and brought their mouths together, soft this time, slow and patient. Trixie ran her fingers through Katya’s hair, twirled her messy fringe and expertly avoided the spots where she tended to get knots. Trixie knew her details and Katya wanted her to keep up with any new quirk she developed, because she was evolving quicker than she ever had and couldn’t imagine Trixie not being an intricate part of that.

“I can’t believe this is our last night.” Trixie whispered as if it was the first time sharing such sentiment. 

“We’ll make the most of it.” Katya reassured like she was strong enough to determine their fate. 

Trixie sat up and unzipped her dress, pulling it off to reveal a bodysuit underneath. 

“You…” Katya trailed off in awe. Trixie flung her dress away and sat like she was a mermaid upon a peninsular rock, hair draped over one shoulder, enticing and captivating and so fucking beautiful that Katya felt winded. The glimpse of pink Katya had gotten previously was nothing in comparison to the full thing. Trixie’s lipstick shade managed to match the high leg body exactly. It had an underwired bra and was accented with sweet bows, lace trims and cutaway detailing at the back, where her ass was perfectly framed by the thong. “Trixie.” Katya exhaled, speechless. 

“I’ve shown you mine, now you need to show me yours.”

Katya wasn’t anywhere near as sensual in her movements as Trixie but she did her best to put on a show, standing beside the bed to take off her outfit as slowly as possible. She slipped the straps down her shoulders, her bare chest heaving with anticipation and something heavier. She shimmied her hips so her jumpsuit fell to the floor, and she stood in what seemed to be the most run-of-the-mill black underwear. Then she turned her back to Trixie, giving her the view she was hankering after. Three straps swept around her hips to meet at the back, where the curve of her ass began to meet her cunt. A striking cage effect patterned her cheeks, pushing them up to make her seem more shapely than she was.

“Oh my god.” Trixie let out as Katya bent over to give her the proper experience. 

Back on the bed, they lay close together, their hands running over each other insatiably. Their kissing became more needy and dirty and Katya’s hand wandered with purpose towards Trixie’s cunt. She popped open the body and pulled it up just enough so she could reach Trixie’s clit. She began to rub up and down, minute movements until Trixie bucked up further and further to meet her. “Let’s come together.” Katya murmured. Trixie brought her hand underneath the waistband of Katya’s underwear and matched her pace and pressure. 

In no time, they were breathing desperately into each other’s mouths, moaning along with one another, eyes scrunched shut and hips stuttering. Katya knew Trixie would take longer than her if she didn’t have anything insider her, filling her up. She wanted to maintain the identical nature of their fucking, however, it exhilarating to know Trixie was sharing the exact same experience as her. She did everything she could to hold back, to wait for Trixie as she would a million times over in a million different ways. 

When Katya felt Trixie’s hips become more insistent against her and her moans get louder, Katya increased the pressure against her clit, used Trixie’s wetness to help her stroke faster, bringing her to where she was. They came, their orgasms drawn out and powerful, the sounds escaping Trixie’s mouth seemed almost anguished. Katya kissed her, felt a tear fall against her hand. 

“Are you alright?” Katya checked, pressing kisses to Trixie’s cheeks, nose and chin.

“Just gonna miss this. You.” Trixie said, voice weak and croaky. 

Katya nodded and wiped her hand on the sheets before wrapping her arms around Trixie, maneuvering her so she lay pressed against her chest, her racing heart. 

“I think I do too, y’know.” Trixie mumbled into Katya’s damp skin. 

“What?” 

“I think I love you too.”

-

Katya was silent as she stepped onto the coach. Trixie was infront of her, keeping a hold of her hand. She was tired and down and confused by the feeling of emptiness and the simultaneous fullness of her heart. The two of them had stayed up until 5am, talking, kissing, fucking and holding each other, bereft when they had to let go and get up to get ready to leave. 

Trixie sat by the window this time, leaning against it so she could turn her body to Katya, hold her as she buried her face into Trixie’s neck and breathe her in until all she could smell, all she could think about, was Trixie. They didn’t talk much throughout the journey. Trixie pressed kisses into Katya’s hair at regular intermissions and Katya squeezed the fat at Trixie’s sides to let her know that she was still awake, still with her. 

The rest of the coach contained a strange mix of conversation and quiet. Katya barely noticed anyone else. 

When they pulled up outside the yoga studio in downtown LA, Trixie had tears in her eyes and Katya was soothing her as best as she could when she felt equally shit. “We’ll see each other soon. No matter what happens.”

“No matter what happens.” Trixie echoed. It had accidentally become their saying and they both believed in it more than any faith they had experienced or endured before. 

After collecting their suitcases, the whole group stood on the sidewalk, hugging their goodbyes and wishing for safe journeys home. Katya’s flight was due to depart in just over two and a half hours and so she needed to call an Uber then and there. She made her way around everyone, pulling Violet into a hug tighter than her corsets, slapping Pearl’s ass playfully and kissing both of Fame’s perfectly contoured cheeks. She ordered her taxi and, once she checked it was five minutes away, pulled Trixie to the side, putting distance between them and the rest.

She held both of Trixie’s hands low near her hips, like they were taking their vows. Trixie looked down at them and smiled, so sadly that Katya truly believed her heart was breaking. “You should be proud of yourself, Trixie Mattel. Not only have you got _me_, of all people, to fall in love with you in under two weeks - no mean feat so unheard of I genuinely think my mom will have a heart attack when I tell her - you’ve also turned it the fuck around, become inspired again and have inspired so many of us in the process. I’m so, so lucky to have met you and, while I hate that I have to leave, I’m grateful that I have something to come back here for. I fucking love you. I fucking _love you_. And your whole chunky ass.” 

Trixie half sobbed, half screeched with delight and Katya didn’t care one bit that her car had pulled up and was waiting. She had to kiss Trixie one last time, had to revel in the sensation of her body pressed against hers. “I don’t have time to say everything I wanted to say to you. How have we run out of time?” Trixie’s voice broke. 

“It’s going to be ok, baby.” Katya wiped the tears away from both their faces. “It’s going to be beautiful and _real_.” 

Trixie nodded into their next kiss, only pulled away when the driver beeped his horn at them. “Jesus, he’s really not giving us our movie moment is he?” Trixie quipped and Katya laughed into her shoulder, like she had that very first night. 

They let go of each other and Trixie helped Katya get her suitcase into the boot of the car. With one last kiss, Katya left her, her Trixie, on the pavement and smiled when the others instantly surrounded her. “Я люблю тебя!” She shouted to Trixie specifically and then yelled, equally as loudly to the others in her Russian accent, “Take care of her. My wife, she’s beautiful but her big ass causes trouble!” 

Driving away, she didn’t look back, didn’t need to. Because thereon out, she only looked forward.


End file.
